More recent nicknames for The Nut:
Baron von Roughhausen
I went for a “well woman” checkup with Anna, one of my midwives, yesterday. The Nut was typically flirtatious and entertaining throughout the visit, even while I was getting my cervix checked. Afterward, Anna was going through all my vitals and she asked, “So, what are you using for birth control?” Well, the sorry answer is, who feels like it? With a baby hanging off my tit all day, all I want to do when I get into bed is sleep. But I had been worried about my flagging sex drive; enough to wonder if I should see a shrink about it, or a marriage counselor. But Anna just waved her hand and said, Ach, it’s so normal, breastfeeding keeps your estrogen and progesterone levels low so of course you don’t feel like it — it’s Nature’s way of helping you space your kids apart. But, she continued, don’t expect Jack to feel the same way; he may understand, but he’ll still want some action. (Is it also Nature’s way of encouraging men to take more than one wife, or support their local whorehouse?) So you have to get really good at blow jobs, she says, and get yourself some Astroglide. And I’m thinking, Holy Mother of God, you’d never get this kind of advice at the HMO.