Fun things to do while both you and your one-year-old are sick.
1. Pin him down while he flails around and try to wipe the snot from his nose with your shirt.
2. Lie on your back on the floor all afternoon while he runs in and out of the room, occasionally bringing you:
(a) a bar of soap with a bite taken out of it
(b) a dirty sock
(c) a can of lighter fluid
3. Invent new sign-language signs
(a) Turn on the Yankees game and get him to raise up his arms every time you say “Jorge!”
(b) Get ready for the upcoming basketball season with signs for various hoops slang like “put the seed in the hole!” (will no doubt be vaguely pornographic)
4. When he gets cranky in the grocery store, take him out of the cart and let him run around the feminine whosits aisle pulling all the “personal foam wash” products off the shelves. Then don’t put any of it back.
5. Go online while he naps and order a Michael Graves Beechwood Banana Hanger.
6. Give him a bunch of cold medicine so he conks out so you both can sleep, sleep, sleep.
Let's Panic About Babies! is a book I wrote with the delightful Alice Bradley. You will like it if you are currently pregnant, if you have children, or if you have absolutely no intention of having children. Not just because it's funny, but because you can burn it to stay warm.
Clicking on the cover will take you to the publisher's web site, clicking here will take you to Amazon.com, or, you can go to Let's Panic! the web site, preview some of the material in the book, and read a whole lot of bonus stuff we post for free when we feel like it, which isn't often anymore. It's a full-time job managing the enormous wealth that comes from writing a fake parenting book.