Okay, so I guess this is the second fascinating question that I'll put in my nonexistent FAQ: you don't care if it looks like shit you're not particularly fastidious and have a good hat to wear if you accidentally make a bald spot.
Step One
Wake up and have your husband tell you your head looks like a duck's ass.
Step Two
Retort smartly, "Oh, if only my head could look more like a duck's ass."
Step Three
Rusty scissors? Check.
Step Four
Take off the sweater that earlier in the day your husband mimed unzipping, removing from your shoulders, balling up, and throwing in the garbage. Also remove fabulous glasses. We're flying blind now, baby!
Step Five
Now, was that so hard?
Step Six
Grab a hunk off the back and try not to lop off your thumb.
Step Seven
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Step Eight
La la la. Ooh! I have a hairy monkey neck.
Step Nine
And now I will do this interpretive dance to express how I feel about home haircuts.
Step Ten
Yeah, I know what you're thinking: This is supposed to be an improvement?
Step Eleven
Voilà! A Braun clipper with a dead battery.
Step Twelve
Don't have a fucking clue what's going on back there.
Step Thirteen
Maybe this dirty old Aveda compact will assist in making the cords in my neck stand out just that much more.
Step Fourteen
A shower has rinsed away all the tiny little itchy hairs that get stuck in your bra and drive you MAD.
Step Fifteen
Believe me, if you're looking for some shit to paste into your hair that will make you smell like a piña colada, look no further.
Step Sixteen
A vigorous scalp massage increases blood flow to the follicles, which allows the piña colada mix to reach deep down into your brain, thus creating A Tasty Zombie Treat™!
Step Seventeen
I had to brighten the hell out of this photo just so you could see what's going on with that paste stuff. Shit is miraculous.
Step Eighteen
The transformation back to pinhead is complete!
How in God's name do you cut your own hair?
Answer: It's easy! Especially ifStep One
Wake up and have your husband tell you your head looks like a duck's ass.
Step Two
Retort smartly, "Oh, if only my head could look more like a duck's ass."
Step Three
Rusty scissors? Check.
Step Four
Take off the sweater that earlier in the day your husband mimed unzipping, removing from your shoulders, balling up, and throwing in the garbage. Also remove fabulous glasses. We're flying blind now, baby!
Step Five
Now, was that so hard?
Step Six
Grab a hunk off the back and try not to lop off your thumb.
Step Seven
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Step Eight
La la la. Ooh! I have a hairy monkey neck.
Step Nine
And now I will do this interpretive dance to express how I feel about home haircuts.
Step Ten
Yeah, I know what you're thinking: This is supposed to be an improvement?
Step Eleven
Voilà! A Braun clipper with a dead battery.
Step Twelve
Don't have a fucking clue what's going on back there.
Step Thirteen
Maybe this dirty old Aveda compact will assist in making the cords in my neck stand out just that much more.
Step Fourteen
A shower has rinsed away all the tiny little itchy hairs that get stuck in your bra and drive you MAD.
Step Fifteen
Believe me, if you're looking for some shit to paste into your hair that will make you smell like a piña colada, look no further.
Step Sixteen
A vigorous scalp massage increases blood flow to the follicles, which allows the piña colada mix to reach deep down into your brain, thus creating A Tasty Zombie Treat™!
Step Seventeen
I had to brighten the hell out of this photo just so you could see what's going on with that paste stuff. Shit is miraculous.
Step Eighteen
The transformation back to pinhead is complete!
92 Comments:
Very V for Vendetta...
That is pretty much EXACTLY how I cut Alex's hair. Except I drink a Pina Colada and leave him smelling like baby shampoo.
And I love your glasses.
Voila, Pinhead! Very nice.
holy shiiiit!!! come on!!! no really, how did you get something going on in the back that doesn't look like you are a cutter (not a hairdresser) in your spare time? My most recent visit to the hairdresser went like: "Get this crap off the back of my head. I cannot style what I can't see. Yes, I was growing my hair. That is in the past. Just cut it." It went swimmingly.
It sort of reminds me of when Johnny and Ponyboy cut their hair with a knife after Johnny killed the Soc.
Except their hair looked a bit crap, and yours looks so completely anti-crap.
Stay gold, Ponyboy.
I love the d:fi. It's my secret ingrediant for straightening my hair but now I guess all of the internet knows.
hmmm... methinks there is more to it than that.
seriously...do you cut it off all even at the same radius...do you do little snippy ends...or is it really all that random? what? what?
You rock, Alice!
I like to take a bunch of hair and twist it all up around my finger and then snip. Kind of gives it a more punk feel, which I like when doin' the short hair thang.
Love it!
oops, i meant Eden...too much red wine tonight...
The things you do to amuse us.
Where's that PayPal link again?
I guess there is more to it but I kind of reached my limit with the tripod and camera timer.
I love your short hair and am SO impressed with your skills! I'll be living vicariously thru your haircut since I didn't have the courage to cut mine short recently - I totally wimped out!
Hi Eden
I too cut my own hair, sometimes, but it is at my shoulders, not mega short like yours. It needs, when it's first cut, to be able to be pulled into a ponytail- the shortest hairs must just make it into the elastic. The hardest part is the looking in the mirror, at the back of my head, holding another mirror, while trying to cut a straight line... luckily my hair is pretty wavy,so probably a lot of sins don't show.
Actually, I wanted to say that Kai my 4 yr old grandson ADORES the fussy shirt, which was meant for his sister actually, but, hey, whatever. He is also growing his hair, speaking of hair, "long enough to sit on"-he has a way to go. We will be going to Seattle to see them in a month- do you want a pic for your site, where you show people in the various shirts?
Katie is a doll- we have two big dogs who are also couch/ bed sleepers Give her a kiss from me on the poor flatter side of her sweet head.
Been reading a while, now de-lurking and with my own blog so, hi!
Grammacello
When my hair was short, I used to go that route as well. Because it would always grow so quickly anyway, what did it matter?
Now that it's longer, I'm much more particular. Maybe that's another reason to go back to short hair... I just hate all the products.
Funny...and thanks. :)
Wow, looks pretty good. Now, have you ever tried the faux hawk look? I'm certain you could pull it off.
ROTF-WMP-LMAO! Wow, how I needed this laugh! Thanks, Eden! You did an excellent job, by the way. Your hair looks pretty darn intellectual and chic--and not like shit. Like Mimimom, I wimped out on a short cut recently...but since I bleach it platinum blonde, I probably already have enough shit to do to it without adding having to get a haircut every three weeks.
Your site's awesome. Thanks for the laughs!
Oh, that was just plain fabulous. Thanks so much for the giggles. I love a good play-by-play!
when I had short hair I always just let it grow so most of the time I looked like I had a mullet. Yeah, you know it was hott. The upkeep (none) of long hair is much more suited to me. That and I don't have your nice chin that doesn't baloon up when hair isn't surrounding it.
I was reading your archives last week and I have this to say: You saw the Clash in concert and I am forever jealous.
woo double negatives in that last comment.
Even though it's been a year since I cut my hair, and even though said hair is now shoulder length and fairly well behaved, my S.O. *still* calls me duck butt, in honor of my erstwhile early morning duck butt head. Or maybe my ass actually does look like a duck's. Either way, your hair looks nice.
I so love your hair and while i have the cajones to cut my hair this short, it is verboten due to the extreme unattractiveness, nay even ugliness, on my very very very round double chin type of face.
I cut my own hair too. That is why I wear it up in a clippee or under a hat.
Makeover, anyone?
i love the whole process and the play-by-play and the duck's ass and the monkey neck, but am commenting mainly to say that the two pictures of you in the white bathrobe are really incredibly attractive.
I feel very warm and fuzzy inside knowing I am not the only female human in the world with a hairy monkey neck. Except I have long hair that I just twist up in what I call the "woman who has given up" hairdo, so my monkey-neck is on display for all to see. Love the interpretive dance, very Sarah Lawrence.
Highly irritated that I had to create a Blogger blog to post here (not that it's your fault, Mrs.K., just noting that The Man will demand his pound of flesh for all the pleasure we get out of your hair epic).
And, this way, no stylist chit-chat, which at my salon seems to revolve around when I am going to get married.
You have pina colada Stuff? My Stuff smells like Christmas cookies!
Your bathroom (?) looks so clean!
You make me want to quit this growing my hair long thing. Except - I think that if I did take scissors to my head, it would look incredibly bad, paste or no paste.
Mrs. Kennedy, you have style I lack.
I love it! You look great. Maybe you should start your own business? Though I guess with your experience only cutting your own hair, you couldn't start a business cutting other people's hair. Instead, they would have to pay you to watch you cut your own hair, so then they could learn to cut their own. But you've just gone and given it away for free on your blog! An entrepreneurial opportunity missed!
love the hair. and i just happen to have that same old dirty aveda compact which i often use to look at the back of my head. small world.
I totally blame you, Alice and Angela (Fluid Pudding) for inspiring me to cut off all my hair back in October. I think it was all the BlogHer photos that finally put me over the edge. I wasn't brave enough to do it myself, so I had my stylist cut it.
Unfortunately, instead of a Sexy Pixie Blogging Lady of the Internet, I looked kind of like a pre-surgery Mickey Rourke. I even bought that d:fi shit and it didn't help, alas.
I, too, will live vicariously through your fabulous haircut. And your glasses, which I love, but I've tried on similar pairs and they make me look like a mosquito. Which was EXTRA attractive with the Mickey Rourke haircut, let me tell you.
I'd like to say that while the haircut you gave yourself was a total winner, the duck's ass was freaking adorable. Next time you have one, I don't feel like you need to consider that some kind of clarion call to action.
damn! you look fabulous!
i used to keep my hair short like that... but as i got a bit older, it got a bit thinner, now i'm scared to shear it off again...(which is why i hang on to my hats!)
seriously, you get an A+++++ for your hot/chic/ballsy style! bravo!
I liked to all messy
I grew up with pixie haircuts and hated myself in them, so I am now she of the long red locks. Does the d:fi stuff work in curls, though? 'Cause I'd love to smell like pina coladas!
You are the nuttiest of the nuts - I love this post!
I luff it.
No matter what you do to your hair, you can get away with it because you have a great face.
I liked the duck's ass, too.
there's something so incredibly satisfying about cutting your own hair. i used to do it all the time. my saving grace is that with the crazy curly hair that i have, if i messed it up, no one was the wiser. trying to grow it out for locks of love though so sadly i've had to keep my hands off it for ages now.
Eh, I for one miss the good old days when we were all waiting to see how long it would take you to get sick of growing your hair out.
Eh? I was equally sick of taking the photos and thinking of captions. I have Internet commitment issues.
I have a spouse who checks to see if I've left stripes in the back of my hair because I am not secure enough to use a compact.
This post was PRICELESS. Thank you.
Only you, Mrs. Kennedy, can get away with this and end up so chic and gamine.
This post was excellent because now I can sculpt a completely accurate 3D model of your head which is something I've been menaing to cross off my list.
Aha! We have pretty much the same technique. Snip, snip, snip, shower, plaster it up with good-smelling goo. My hair goop is orange scented, however.
You make 'stylin' look so damn easy!
hero
i think i'll cut MY hair now. start a fussy trend.
Dude. If I could get those kind of results, I would always cut my own hair. Except knowing me, I'd accidentally lop off a digit or two.
Fantastic! I'll have to look into getting some of that paste.
you ROCK as usual Mrs. Kennedy!
Hilarious AND beautiful! :D
That was incredibly hilarious. Thanks for the laugh-out-loud funny on a stressful Monday;>
I'm alway so impressed by people who can cut their own hair. Nice job!
NO WAY! That is so funny! Have you considered investing in a Flowbee? Your hair looks great, but I am concerned about your thumbs.
This, of course, is coming from someone so incompetent, I had to grow my bangs out, because I wasn't even capable of cutting them. This also coming from someone who attempted to cut my son's hair when he was three years old, and ended up taking an emergency trip to Great Clips to remove the mullet I created.
I'm already pretty impressed with your ability to clip your neck hair. However, you will enter the realm of idol-worship if you did all that AND took the pictures.
I always cut my own hair and it's easy!
But!
It's curly! And long-er-ish... so you can't tell if it's freakishly uneven, so yeah. I'll just shut up now.
oh, wow. i would never have the guts to cut my own hair. at least, cut it so that someone would actually NOTICE the cut.
i'm totally not above obsessing about split ends and sitting on the couch with a pair of sharp scissors on a Saturday night searching for them, though.
Jes
Duck's ass...I guffawed out loud, then said it out loud and snorted a few times. Hubby thinks I've lost it.
I think your hair rocks. My mom cuts her own hair, too. I have always been blown away by that ability.
From duck's ass to beautiful in eighteen easy steps!
Although, I kinda like the duck's ass look.
Woman! Your bathroom! It's so white and clean!
You are a little intimidating in that first photo with the scissors. I can't help but feel like you'e going to cut my nose off.
LMAO! Your pictures are great!
wow, you are brave. i am in awe. the right product makes a big difference!
ps: your 60 bugs shirt will be on its way soonly. i'm such a whore pimping on your comments, too. heh.
Do you have any tutorials on bang cutting? I'm in desperate need b/c I hate draggin my arse in to the salon for just a silly bang trim.
I don't think this has much to do with poker. Is this what girls focus on all the time?
About thirty minutes a month, no, that probably doesn't qualify as "all the time," and I'm not really much of a 'girl" either. Maybe you should get out a little more?
you still have hair? evolve already, sheesh.
It's going to take at least five more generations to get rid of that monkey neck. And the thumbs on my feet.
I would copy this post on how I simply DO my hair, but it would take about 50 frames just to fit my big ass hair (ummm... that's bigass hair - no, really. My ass isn't hairy) into a step-by-step process. Black girl hair is SOOOOO fickle.
dear lord, that is total makeover heaven. i have a feeling if i did it i'd look like danny bonaducci after he'd done some drunked razor bet. the key here *is* i think, the pinhead. large lumpy head, and very straight hair. well, it could get ugly.
MY TURN!!! Do me next! :)
I too have short hair that I cut myself, and that's exactly what I tell people when they ask, "how in the world do you cut your own hair?" First, you really have to not care so much about the results... :)
Also, funny -- someone else recommended d:fi to me, the woman who is allergic to almost every product under the sun, this weekend. Currently I use Joico's Brillantine, which smells like pineapple LifeSavers.
eeek. I would never do that, I cry if the hair dresser messes up, this way I'd only could blame myself and that's not good.
Have you considered growing it out, or have you always liked the "boy style."
Brave women there...brave indeed.
I'm so glad I'm not the only "do-it-yourself-er" who is crazy enough to chop her own locks. Very cool cut!
I think I love you. :)
Thank you So Much for this post. You have no idea how much I've missed the daily hair update. And I can testify to the power of the D:Fi shit. I also like their pomade. And that superbright photo? Sister, you should front a band. That is album cover art, right there. xoxo
Right back to where we started! Watching your hair grow back is how I first started to become a fussy fan. :)
Love that creme stuff...wish it would work for me!
Goodness there are a lot of us who have missed the hair report!
Part of the reason you're able to cut your own hair and have it look great is 'cause you're so cute!
*sigh. i miss cutting my own hair. it's so freeing. and cheap...
I pay a hipster $70 to cut my hair to look like you did when you first got out of bed.
Amazing. And no more having to tip anyone in Supercuts! Any suggestions for a guy wanting to take off some of his back hair by himself?
You need the Flobee, or what ever that vacuum suction hair cutter is. Seriously. Suck and cut _ not cuts that suck.
Glorious.
Stumbled across your page via Dooce's blog. Checked out the hair history -- third grade, ohmygosh! I have the exact same "skunky" Avon pin in my old jewelry box . . . (I'm a packrat and have a difficult time getting rid of goofy little things like that . . . )
I admire your haircutting skills, but I also liked the original duck's ass 'do. It gives new meaning to "The Donald."
You rock that pixie cut like no one else.
I'm jelous. I've attempted that cut many times, but it just looks like a shrunken hair helmet. Not flattering at all.
omg! so cute!
I followed in your footsteps last night, because I needed a haircut, I'm too cheap to part with even $20, and I have always wanted to give it another shot since that horrible haircut-gone-wrong-shaving-my-head incident in the late 1990s. It's not bad! I could use a little practice with cutting the back, but I have definitely been converted.
That's one way to avoid having cleavage pressed into your face as the under-deoderized, over-perfumized stylist takes over an hour blow drying every strand separately just to maintain my normally limp look.
brilliant photo-journey of the cut -- i wish i'd done that when i was cutting my own hair. i started after getting a totally crappy cut from a friend and i figured if she can fuck it up, i can at least try and fix it. it can't get any worse.
i used to gel it and make it all stand on end, then i would come along and cut it w/ scissors while it was all standing up on its own. it was fun. but then i decided to grow it out, since i'd had exactly the same basic style for 8 years. now i just don't know what to do. oh well.
I Love It
It Inspires Me To Lop Off My Locks And Apply Paste Like ... Sytling Goop =]
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