Shameless Marketing Day

On May 1, 2006 by Eden M. Kennedy

This is a long one, so buckle up.

Jennifer Margulis, who is an editor at Literary Mama, asked me if I’d let my blog be a stop on her virtual tour for her new book, Why Babies Do That. And I said, sure! But only if you let me ask you a bunch of smartass questions about babies! And she was all, “Uh, how about you see if your questions are answered in the book first? You can read, right?” And I said, No! I can’t! I have a trained alpaca who does all my reading for me! And she was all, “Damn it, I knew I should have gone to Parent Hacks first.”

Well, it turned out that Ms. Margulis, Ph.D., wrote a very nice and serious and interesting book. And she did answer the one normal question I thought to ask her. Because a non-parent might think a lot of the questions she tackles in this book are pretty obvious. The answer to “Why do some babies shriek in terror when a stranger tries to pick them up?” probably boils down to something like “Because grandma smells funny,” nine times out of ten. But when you’re a new, freaked-out parent nothing’s obvious, there are 8,000 ways to change a diaper and 200 books and/or relatives to tell you about it. So I asked her if she wrote Why Babies Do That as a way of reassuring new mothers and fathers that there are actually sensible explanations for infant behavior they may, in their sleep-deprived brains, find baffling? And she patted me on the back (virtually) and said (typed)

“Exactly! Unlike many Americans, I spent a lot of time around babies before my first child was born.”

No kidding! I yelled at her e-mail. Being an American, I was terrified of children, even when I was one.

“I worked on a child survival campaign in West Africa, I babysat an infant while I was pregnant, and I had a sister 23 years younger than me (long story). But I still found my daughter’s behavior totally baffling at times. And I found motherhood completely overwhelming. I loved it but I was totally overwhelmed by this tiny creature who needed so much care (to say nothing of being overwhelmed by the huge blood clots coming out from between my legs and the fact that it felt like it was raining in my bed at night from night sweats)”.

Dude! The blood clots! I had one the size of a tennis ball! I thought my uterus was falling out of my body. Which is one of my all-time favorite conversation stoppers. Fortunately, it usually only works on men, and Jennifer didn’t hear me say it because, again, I said it to my computer. But she did go on to say (type),

“This is a book that helps a little with the transition to motherhood. It isn’t a how-to book. . .

Thank god.

. . . but a book that aims to translate infantese into some semblance of English. Babies talk to us through their actions (some people would say husbands do that as well) but when you’re a new parent it’s really hard to decipher all of it. So “Why Babies Do That” tries to help inspire and inform new parents.

So there you go, a new book that you could totally put into one of those gift baskets you’re always making for your friends’ first baby showers. And don’t even try to deny that you’re really into glue-gunning stuff all over the handle.

Item number two!

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I had some freelance projects going? One of them was that AmericanBaby.com decided it was a good idea to give me $200 to rewrite my birth story for them. So you can either read the original blog version here or read the somewhat rewritten, interestingly edited, and scandalously titled version here and be as surprised as I was to find that I “hissed” at my midwife during transition. I recall being uncannily dry and to the point at that moment, but AmericanBaby.com would have it otherwise. They also changed “coochie” to “vagina” when I think they actually meant “vulva,” but no matter. I’ve already cashed the check.

The other thing I did was a little book review for Alpha Mom Hot Spot.

And then, joy of joys! I got some free K-Y in the mail! From a fancy marketing company in Washington D.C. But it’s not regular K-Y, it’s K-Y “Sensual Mist,” which is another way of saying “spray-on lube.” It works pretty well, though I think there’s some waste as it tends to scatter unevenly around the affected area and I hate the way dried lube makes my skin feel cold and tacky. But lo! They also included a bottle of K-Y Sensual Mist Warming Mistable Personal Lubricant. I took one look at that and said, Uh-oh, and Jack said, “Did I ever tell you about the time I jerked off with Vick’s Vap-O-Rub?” And I was all, “Did I ever tell you about the time I let someone spray Binaca on my lady parts?” Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to put anything mentholated on their sexual organs, please, just tell them right now, I don’t care if they’re only three years old, do them a favor.

End promotional content, possibly forever. We will return to regular old blogging in this space tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest. Thank you for your forbearance.

Comments

comments

27 Responses to “Shameless Marketing Day”

  • Christ, I’m going to be singing “Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to put anything mentholated on their sexual organs” all day, now. Thanks a LOT!

  • ack! “did i ever tell you about the time i jerked off with vick’s vap-o-rub?” made me choke on my bagel! heh. it sounds like you two are a match made in heaven. a dirty, sexually depraved heaven, but still. it’s nice you found each other. heh.

    congrats on all the writing gigs!

  • Holy crap, the KY people contacted me about that new mist stuff too and I thought it was someone jerking my chain. Er, so to speak. Now that I know it’s for real … hmmm. Maybe.

    This is what happens when you put an email address on your blog — people try to send you sexual enhancement products. Let that be a lesson to you kids.

  • Thank you for the uproarious laughs, Mrs. Kennedy! In the middle of a shitty day that only seems to get more shitty, the part about Bianca and Vicks Vap-O-Rub made me laugh out loud. Bless you!

    And yes–I, too, will be singing your new words to Willie & Waylon “Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to…” Sheesh, there it goes again!

  • Choking on my granola over here. Vicks, Binaca, and tennis balls – oh my!

    Congrats on the gigs. I look forward to comparing and contrasting the REAL birth story and the edited-by-American Baby version.

  • I read it as “sprayed Bianca,” which is way hot.

    I learned early on that using hand soap as a personal lubricant can help a young man achieve the effect he’s going for, but then a few hours later your (read: my) penis looks like it will fall off soon.

  • Oh my gawd. Binaca? Really? I flinched, I really did.
    The only thing worse than that that I’ve heard was from a former coworker. She went in for her pelvic, realized she hadn’t showered, grabbed what she assumed to be a wet-nap from the little tray… and swabbed her girly bits down with rubbing alcohol.

  • This is my favorite promotional content, possibly, ever.

  • Oh, so many links to read and two preschoolers that really need lunch…hmmm….does that book help with this decision?!? ;)

  • Thank you so much I needed to laugh like that today.

  • OK, that so put my KY review to shame…

  • Hee.

    Also, I’m expecting my first child in September, and feeling rather stupider than usual at the prospect. So I really do appreciate the book recommendation! I’ve added it to my Amazon wishlist.

  • “Babies talk to us through their actions (some people would say husbands do that as well)” – I can vouch for that one- six years later, my husband keeps grunting and gesturing at me and saying, “You need to learn my SiGNS!” I keep telling him to use his “big-boy words”.

    Ever play the Altoid game? Its as dirty as it sounds, but much more fun than mentholated lady parts.

  • I impulse-bought some of that KY warming stuff but I’m afraid to try it. You’re adventurous…you try it and let me know how it goes, Mmkay?

  • Way to jack, Jack.

    (Sorry. It had to be said.)

  • Ok, I have to say this. I have been coming to your blog for a couple of years now and one of the first things I read was your birthing story. I thought it was FABULOUS. My friends think I’m nuts for reading stuff like that (still in university). Weird thing is, today I read your story, written as an article. Very same day, one of my friends has it linked in her blog (she’s pregnant herself).
    My point being:
    1- small world
    and most importantly:
    2- You’re getting FAMOUS Mrs. Kennedy! You pop up in the weirdest places..!

    Alright. enough.

  • What is it with men and the Vicks Vapor Rub? My husband’s done that, too. They know it’s going toburn like hell – how massochistic! I, too, have had a burning experience – not with Binaca, but with Altoids.

  • Baaaahaaahaaahaaaa!!!

    I just read the “before” and “after” articles… “Eden’s Birth Story: I Almost Gave Birth into My Toilet”…. now THAT is one that has to get pulled out of the babybook on prom night!!

  • Please don’t take this the wrong way, Mrs. K., but I think I love you. Or at least your writing…

    Yours most sincerely,

    Mama Cooks (with FOOD, Eden, with FOOD)

  • where the heck was that book when my shark-obsessed sons were growing up, for cryin’ out loud? (do i sound bitter? i should, because i am.)

    a K-Y sample in the mail? what mailing list are you on?

  • Oooo I also got free K-Y! Okay, maybe I shouldn’t say that like we’re bonding over that one. :)

  • I think with all the busy work your fingers have been up to, it is high time to give the coochie some sensual mist.

    Funny how the US Postal Office knows exactly what you need…

  • I awoke one morning about a month ago to a terrible noise that my husband was making in the shower; kind of a strangled sob. It turns out that you should never use mint body wash down there either.

  • It’s too bad us Americans have no experience with children! Since none of us have ever had siblings, or cousins, or friends with siblings or cousins. And who baby-sits? I certainly didn’t baby-sit my entire middle school and high school career to make some extra money.

    Yeah, warming spray (or gel)? Not such a good idea. Unless you are using it on your back to relieve muscle tension (and I doubt that will work anyway) that stuff is painful! Maybe that’s why they are giving it away for free.

  • Oh. My. God. Jerking off with Vick’s Vap-O-Rub? Letting someone spray your nether regions with Binaca? What’s wrong with you people?

  • Shutup, spray lube!

    I’m getting some TODAY.

  • At last, someone who knows a vulva from a vagina. People, it is so cute when three year olds say vagina, but they are really talking about the vulva! Or mons pubis…or pubic region. If you’re going for technical accuracy, please correct this common mistake.

    Oh, and ouchie on the Binaca and Vick’s.