Edison at the Espresso Machine

On June 5, 2006 by Eden M. Kennedy

A while back I was at the grocery store with Jackson, which is always a mistake. You can take a two-year-old to the store and as the kid is filling your cart with Vienna sausages and L’Oreal Extreme Auburn Red you can express your gratitude for all the help while quietly returning the half-off dented spaghetti cans to the shelf. But a four-year-old shops with more purpose, and may have grown persuasive.

On this particular excursion, while in the dairy section, Jackson started pointing and begging for chocolate milk. And normally I’d be all, “WE HAVE HERSHEY’S SYRUP, I’LL MAKE YOU SOME CHOCOLATE MILK WHEN WE GET HOME.” But then I noticed something that would soon become another cobble on my own personal driveway to Hell: the $4.00 half-gallon of Horizon Organic Chocolate Milk.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you that this is the best fucking chocolate milk I have ever had in my life and it surely beats the crap out of 2% mixed with syrup. Beats out the crap and renders feeble for the duration.

So it’s a few weeks later we’re regularly stocked up with the most expensive chocolate milk known to man, but I’ve started becoming rather nonchalant about where we stand with the regular milk.

Now, normally the anchor of my morning routine is the act of firing up the espresso machine and making some sort of artful combination of coffee and milk, a homegrown cross between a cappuccino and a latte that Jack many years ago dubbed The Fuzzy Coffee.

You see where this is going.

On this particular morning I got back home nearly crippled from yoga (ha ha! not really crippled, but sometimes my hips get opened halfway to the gates of Satan’s laundromat and it takes me an hour or so to learn to walk again) and I was humping my way around the kitchen gathering the materials for a fuzzy coffee when I discovered that Jackson had used the last of the regular milk to cut the effects of some particularly fine powdered sugar french toast.

Well, what else would one do in this situation?

One would have no choice but to mix one’s espresso with chocolate heroin.

And thus it was that I created the astonishing, creamy, somewhat-too-sweet* but beguilingly named: ChocoLatte.

Smoother than a mocha, yet chocolatier than a latte.

I know, I’m a genius, right? I know, there are probably eleventy-hundred coffee bars in North America that have been making something same or similar for years and it’s no suprise to them, but I hadn’t heard of it before, and so. Take that, Starbucks! If you steal my idea I will sue, sue, sue.

*After some experimentation I do recommend cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk, or water, in a pinch, but you have to do what’s right for you.



24 Responses to “Edison at the Espresso Machine”

  • I made the mistake of buying a little case of the individual Horizon Chocolate Milks at Costco the other day.

    Too, too good. And portable.

  • Promised Land Midnight Chocolate is even better.

    I’m serious.

    I never joke about chocolate.

  • Yup, I’ve done this before, too. Promised Land milk (if you can get it in CA) is waaaay better than Horizon.

  • oh, i think i have to have this right now. NOW, i tell you!

  • Someone handed me a free little carton of chocolate milk at the Farmer’s Market Saturday morning. You’d have thought they’d handed be a hundred dollar bill, I was so excited.

    You’re absolutely right, though. Mixing syrup and regular makes a fine chocolate milk, but it just isn’t the same as the real stuff.

  • Here in Minneapolis we have this milk from Cedar Summit Farm and it is like drinking big puffy yummy fatty clouds. They make chocolate too and, I have to say, it makes Horizon seem a little “eh”.

  • just how far are the gates of satan’s laundromat from where you live, anyway? and how are the dryers there — hot?

  • Careful, Mr. Hughes. She might call you a big gay hippo.

  • A big, gay cheese-loving hippo!

  • I don’t suppose you want to even hear about Ronnybrook Farms chocolate milk then?

  • I use the Horizon Chocolate Crack to make iced coffee–toss the milk and the cold coffee in a martini shaker with a couple ice cubes and shake shake shake!


  • OMG Satan’s laundromat…fuck me that was funny.

    Doesn’t Dora the Explorer have a little song about Chocolatte? Now I’ll be thinking of you when she sings that. Hopefully NOT thinking of any laundromat crotch positions though. Cheese and Rice!

  • We got into the k hole of individually cartoned Horizon chocolate, strawberry and vanilla milk. From there we began scoring the bulk individuals from Costco. I also broke out in a cold sweat seeing the large carton on the shelf. I am now knee deep in plastic cups with no straws, melted lids and a strange smell coming from my car that I presume is a missing cup. Damn you Horizon and your chocolatey creaminess……….

  • OMG that is the friggin best chocolate milk evah… Tastes like melted chocolate ice cream!



  • The coffee/hot chocolate combo in a coffee house is called a “happy marriage.” Certainly more tasty than my husband…and caffeinated too!

  • the yoga center that I work at makes yogi tea for students, and instead of the dairy or soy milk they usually offer, I have mine with chocolate soy milk. Chocolate chai…it’s good if you use a lot of milk and just a splash of tea. So I guess it’s really nothing like fuzzy coffee :)

    but mmm.

    and the hip thing…I know it and it’s not my friend. After 5 years of 2 hour practices 6 times a week, I was wobbly. Running caused days of hip pain. I had to do physical therapy to find some kind of balance. I swim and run now in addition to my ashtanga practice so that I can play sports :)

  • Try Promised Land chocolate milk. It’s even better than the Horizon. And it comes in a glass bottle!

  • …halfway to the gates of Satan’s laundromat…

    OK, that one made spit my coffee (without organic chocolate milk) all over the computer screen! Damn, you should change your blog’s name to Funny, Mrs. K.

  • Mmm…that sounds wonderful. Although I think that may be my sweet tooth talking right now more than anything else.

  • This post is genius.

  • Yeah, the MochaLatte is somethng else. I found the horizon chocolate milk and came up with the same idea. Now, when we have meetings, my boss always wants to have them at my house so he’ll get homemade lemon poppyseed muffins and my Kona mochalattes. I’m not getting paid enough to keep up his coffee habit.

  • Now I’m thinking of that one PTA mom who made me come over to her house to help with her computer, and she made me a latte… and dropped a Dove bar in there and mixed it around.


    - badgermama

  • Bate, bate, ChocoLatte!

  • Oh. The fantasy makes me a bit tingly all over. Maybe they have this at WholeFoods Market? I will be searching out the chococoffee crack tomorrow.

    I came by to tell you I got my t-shirt yesterday and my chest is sassy and my tits are exploding and Thank You!