Maybe you read this New York Times article about how the author used what she learned from researching a book about animal trainers to get her husband to stop hovering over her in the kitchen? It pretty much boils down to this:
“The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don’t. After all, you don’t get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.”
So this afternoon I thought I’d try this tactic on the American Kid. Jackson’s behavior had been verging on aggressive-psychotic for a couple of days, mostly because one of his best friends had moved away and the only thing he could think of to occupy himself was to stand behind me while I was working on the computer and say, “Mom? Mom? Mom?” until I finally said, “WHAT?” and then he’d say, “You’re stupid.”
This because I asked him to spit out his gum and tell me what he wanted for lunch.
But it was nearly two p.m. and he really did need to eat something beside spearmint Orbit*. So, I cleverly decided to ignore the behavior I didn’t like and reward behavior that worked!
Of course, we were at the point where none of his behavior was working.
So I shut him in his room.
I held tight to his doorknob while he yanked from the other side and cried, “YOU’RE A MEANIE!” for a good two or three minutes.
It wasn’t long before he broke. “FINE!” he yelled through the door, “I’LL DRINK YOUR STUPID MILKSHAKE.”
I made him a Monkey Flip, which consists of banana, peanut or almond butter, vanilla ice cream, chocolate chips, milk, protein powder (if you have it), and a few ice cubes just so the blender can lurch out of your wet hands at unexpected moments.
I poured it into his Lord of the Rings light-up goblet, gave him a straw, wrapped him up in his lap robe, and cuddled him up on my lap while advising him on how best to avoid an ice cream headache. I told him I liked how he calmed himself down. After wiping his tears on my t-shirt he drank his Monkey Flip with perfect docility, pausing at one point to remark quietly, “This is pretty good.”
So, I don’t know, I think he just wanted me to quit working and pay attention to him.
But perhaps, over time, the genius of Shamu will help keep us all from killing each other.
*Which contains Xylitol!
I’m totally making myself a Monkey Flip for supper.
I try the ignoring tactic over and over and it just seems to encourage rather than eliminate unwanted behavior. Those who stand by it would tell me I have taught her not to give up by giving in just when the ante hits a certain level. If that is so, well, OK. I suck. But then what I really need, in order to succeed, are industrial strength ear plugs, and perhaps a helmet.
(I snickered a little at the mom? mom? mom? you’re stupid thing–sorry.)
aww well i don’t think your stupid! and he doesn’t either, he was just a little frustrated.
Put some brandy in that and you have a nice bedtime snack. Or morning Mommy’s helper.
I work part time as an assistant dog trainer along with one of my friends. We do the whole ‘ignore bad behavior, reward good behavior’ ALL the time with people. You’d be surprised how often it works.
The next time Jackson doesn’t want to drink his Monkey Flip I will!
that post is motherhood in a nutshell. no matter what has gone before, it all ends up with trying to get protein inside them and cuddling.
Who wouldn’t be happier drinking a Monkey FLip out of a Lord of the Rings light-up goblet.
I wonder if I stand behind my husband while he is working and annoy the crap out of him if he’ll make me one, or send me to my room all alone. Either one would make me happy.
There’s a great old movie where Sandra Dee tries to train her new husband, Bobby Derin, using a book on training dogs. It’s cute right up until she sucks it up and becomes subserviant 60′s wife at the end.
That’s called operant conditioning, which my father, a psychology teacher, taught me about when I was nine or ten. Ever since, I’ve been able to get five bucks out of him whenever I want.
You’ve got it! It’s called extinction, and I used it both in the classroom and at home with my three daughters. It does work!!
That Monkey Flip sounds great!
that recipe is making me salivate.
It’s always about the attention.
But I promise to ignore you if you make me one of those milkshakes!
I’m gonna have to look into that. We currently subscribe to the Dog Whisperer (National Geo Channel) method of child behavior modification. I think they’re pretty close, except TheBigE has learned to heel and not beg, instead of leaping out of the water with a neoprene-clad mom balanced on his nose.
I didn’t read that article (yet), but I PROMISE you that you can absolutely apply the theories you learn from Karen Pryor’s books, most notably “Don’t Shoot The Dog,” to human relationships. Get the book, try it, and be AMAZED. It works on dogs, kids, spouses, parents…it’s all about conditioning, and it’s brilliantly simple.
Ooh! I read that article. I particularly enjoyed the redirect modification. Don’t want your husband up in your grill while you fix dinner? Redirect that man with some chips and salsa!
Brilliant. Heh.
Interesting theory and I can see how it would work. Also add in anything monkey and how can it fail?
That is a sweet story. He just needed some mommy love and attention. Poor little guy.
And that recipe sounds really good.
The way I read this, it was Jackson who trained you! Not that that’s a bad thing.
Umm…yes, Mrs. Kennedy? Whom shall I send the doctor’s bill to once I have the portion of plum removed from my nasal passages that happened to get imbedded in there while masticating AND reading: “Mom? Mom? Mom?” until I finally said, “WHAT?” and then he’d say, “You’re stupid.”
Then again, I suppose I should take responsiblity for my own actions and know better than to be eating or drinking while reading your posts.
So now we’re all sitting around and reminiscing about Monkey Flips and our favorite at Kaisers – the Hercules Flip. We try to recreate them at Blenders in the Grass, but we miss the 2for1 Flip special…
a monkey flip? hmm… i thought that was something done with a running leap propelled off the bouncy arm chair and landing on the sofa. how wrong i was.