Ten Reasons Why I Didn't Marry You Instead Of Jack
I'm coming up on ten years of being married to Jack and for some (probably obvious psychological) reason something overtook me in the shower this morning -- you know, when I was all wet and soapy and naked -- and I began thinking about the ones who got away, and the ones whose paths croseed mine but sort of diagonally, and the ones who slept over but who I couldn't quite look in the eye the next morning.
Lists are fun!
Ten Reasons Why I Didn't Marry You Instead Of Jack
1. You appeared, during a bar conversation, to be smarter than me.
2. You appeared, after seven months of sleeping with you, to be stupider than me.
3. You hinted on our one and only date that your penis was pierced but wouldn't be any more specific.
4. You freaked out and left after I told you I had an STD.
5. You vanished.
6. I had no idea what to do with you in bed because:
a. your penis was unconscionably large, or small
b. your penis was actually a vagina
7. You were actually perfect for me but were too shy/inattentive/full of yourself/in love with someone else for me to notice it.
8. I was dating someone else and you were too much of a gentleman to interfere.
9. I had to go to every bar in town to find your drunken ass and bring you home.
10. I really loved you, but not in that way.
Lists are fun!
Ten Reasons Why I Didn't Marry You Instead Of Jack
1. You appeared, during a bar conversation, to be smarter than me.
2. You appeared, after seven months of sleeping with you, to be stupider than me.
3. You hinted on our one and only date that your penis was pierced but wouldn't be any more specific.
4. You freaked out and left after I told you I had an STD.
5. You vanished.
6. I had no idea what to do with you in bed because:
a. your penis was unconscionably large, or small
b. your penis was actually a vagina
7. You were actually perfect for me but were too shy/inattentive/full of yourself/in love with someone else for me to notice it.
8. I was dating someone else and you were too much of a gentleman to interfere.
9. I had to go to every bar in town to find your drunken ass and bring you home.
10. I really loved you, but not in that way.
46 Comments:
Ahh! Your list is incomplete!
11. I never met you, because you decided to attend college in the Midwest you big moron (and your penis was unconsionably large).
Wait, I have another one that you missed:
12. You became a fish farmer, and as much as living on a houseboat sounded like fun, the stench of concentrated fish offal and the random seal shootings in order to protect the stock just did not make for a rosy-looking future.
13. Jack is very hot.
14. You (unlike Jack) have the spidey-sense to say, "You're acting pregnant", before I (in this case, I being you) even knew it.
15. Your name didn't work with "son" at the end (ie Gray, Jay, etc)
17. Jack IS totally hot.
I could give you 50 more reasons why you didn't marry me instead of Jack.....
,
,
I love lists, and now I'm gloing to have to steal your idea...
Great list...love it!!!
18. Jack is totally hot. and has a sense of irony.
ditto. all counts. except my husband's name is andrew (he is also hot).
19. Because you didn't ask me
This post is that high caliber writing and emotion that makes me again glad the dog parade inter-photo post didn't come to fruition.
20. When you left crumbs in the bed, I DID want to kick you out.
why does every list have to include a transsexual joke?
mister e:
i'm a stranger here, but i think maybe that was a lesbian joke.
21. When we went on our first (and only) date, you hit on the waitress AND made me pay for my own meal.
22. You dipped your french fries in college cafeteria mayo.
23. You told me that you wanted to have sex with my best friend
24. You said that Democrats might as well "worship the devil"
25. You said that you could never be with a virgin.
Number 25 being my personal favorite.
26. You only ever spoke in one to three word sentences.
27. When you kissed me you covered my whole mouth with your mouth. (gross)
28. You were really gay and trying to prove you weren't to people by forging a sexless relationship with me.
29. You were caught in bed with your best friend's girlfriend, who btw was a skank.
30. You kept finding excuses to move to other cities, only returning each time I said I wanted to break up. You did that three times, you wanker.
I find it amusing that mister e assumes that the person with a vagina was a man...
Oh, I don't have anything amusing to say. I just like the way you wrote this.
Number 8 made me sad.
31. You said only losers go to the school I wanted to go to.
32. It turned out you were already engaged.
33. Because your dad told you never to marry the first girl you loved.
34. because my farts were louder AND stinkier than yours.
35. Because, on our first (and only ) date, when I asked you a question, you said, "We can talk about that later while we're having sex."
36. Because you said to me "I like you better when you're quiet". I mean, I don't talk all the time, but guy, talking and laughing, it's kind of ESSENTIAL.
37. Because you kissed with a pointy tongue like you were trying to use it as a spear to stab MY tongue.
38. Because through the entire dinner, all you could talk about was The Simpsons. I mean, good show, yeah, but...?
This might be my favourite list of all times. And I LOVE lists.
This made me smile so much! just had one of those "not in that way" cnversations and man was i pissed. if i have your optimism in 10 years i will be happy!
complimenti!
hee, hee - every time my fabulous husband makes my ribs ache with laughter, I thank god that I didn't end up with one of the many men that didn't meet my impossibly high (if not ridiculous) standards.
Because you never actually broke up with your last girlfriend like you said and you were with both of us for a year and a half. It took me that long to figure it out.
11. You fell asleep during Citizen Kane.
i've heard # 8 before.
8. I was dating someone else and
I had to go to every bar in town to find your drunken ass and bring you home.
39. Because you slept with my roomate, and her best friend, in my bed, while I was away for the weekend and you were "watching my dog".
40. Because after we went to the clinic for me to get an abortion, you insisted we take the bus home.
41. Because you had Amy Grant in your itunes
42. Because you actually said (on our first and only date) "I tend to feel smothered in relationships"
43. Because you were perfectly nice, very attractive, creative and smart, but there was no chemistry between us (but I slept with you anyway).
44. Because I didn't have your email address or phone number after we slept together
45. Because it was unequivocally the worst sex I have ever had (and you didn't speak English)
46. Because you told a mutual friend "I think she stopped calling me because I told her I was a Marxist"
47. Because during sex you said (more than once), "awesome", "bring it on", and "my turn!"
48. Because you called me "dude"
49. Because you told me that if I wanted you to stop comparing me to your ex-wife, I should stop acting like her.
50. Because on our second date, you said breathlessly, "Let's grow old together!"
Because your penis was a vagina.
If I had a nickel for every time I had to tell someone that... I'd be broke, but now I'm going to pester my wife with that line until she throws something at me.
51. Because you didn't really like me, even though we moved in together and got engaged and everything. You were just in it for the sex and the company. It turned out I didn't like you in that way either.
52. Because you shared with your your stepsister's "soft shells". Thanks. A lot.
53. Because your habit of shoplifting was cute and disturbing (but thanks for the Queen tee shirt)...and you ended up in prison. You're dead now and I think of you intensely, and with intent, at times. I should have kissed you that afternoon.
54. Because you called 6 months too late and other trains were already rolling and I didn't want to hop rails. I still think of you, 22 years later.
(edit of 52: should read "shared with me". "Crabs of '84" causing typos)
55. Jack's very attractive. Well done.
56. Because when I asked you whether you'd rather have me weigh ten pounds less or ten pounds more, you said "ten pounds less." I weighed 103 at the time.
57. Because when I broke up with you you yelled, "It's your fucking fault I went to college, bitch." and now you're in law school.
I know who #9 is. I think I know who #2 is. But do I know 6b?
A lot of people went thru that store. Do you remember the one who looked like James Franco? Hmmmmmm. Talk about cute.
Maureen
Oh, there were several 6b's. I always did have a hard time making up my mind.
58. You wanted to take me to Sizzler for prom.
59. You tried to throw my out-of-town friends out the night after 9/11.
60. You left me a tape of yourself playing the piano and singing cover songs, including "These Are A Few of My Favorite Things," and a note saying "You have not seen the last of me."
61. You broke my fucking heart.
62. You dumped me the day after you didn't call me all day which happened to be Thanksgiving Day. Then you moved away and NEVER got rid of the facial-hair lambchops even five years later. Now you're married to someone else and I only know this because I googled you even though I am happily married and just had the cutest baby ever on Thanksgiving Day. Am I awful?
Oh, and reading through these addendums makes me think how each one could be a funny story. Especially 59.
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