Day One! Or, Snatching My Child’s Nuts from the Jaws of Defeat

On November 1, 2006 by Eden M. Kennedy

I always thought my mom was kind of lazy and distracted — I mean, NOW I understand all the responsibilities she had with three kids and all the stuff she kicked ass and took care of, but when I was little all I saw was her sitting on the couch watching One Life to Live while my brothers broke windows with hockey pucks and I amused myself in the kitchen eating vanilla ice cream sprinkled with chocolate Nestle’s Quik powder until I threw up.

One of my mom’s tricks that I’ve successfully incorporated into my repertoire is to wait five minutes after the kid asks you for something before actually getting up to do it, hoping that in the interim kid will forget what kid asked for and you can continue watching Six Feet Under reruns.

I demonstrated this technique by taking Jackson to buy a nonreturnable ninja costume for Halloween but not having him try it on until he got home, where we found that the torso was so short from shoulder to crotch that it rendered him a hunchback and carved his wee nutsack in twain.

But I had a whole month to ignore the problem and so, thinking that it would somehow solve itself — thinking perhaps that a five-year-old would shrink for my convenience — I went back to doing whatever it is I do with my life. Until yesterday, the morning of October 31, when I was getting Jackson dressed for school and found his wee nutsack was still being cleaved like something cloven by the tiny ninja outfit.

Then I said, Hey! I know! I’ll just cut a hole in your crotch and put some black underpants on you. No one will ever see! And your nutsack will bulge freely out of your costume, which will make your cry and not want to get out of the car when we get to school.

So Jackson put on his regular clothes in the back seat, and he actually seemed kind of relieved that he wouldn’t have to spend his life getting over that time in kindergarten when his mother made him wear his scrotum on the outside of his Halloween costume.

Jack quickly dispatched himself back to the now-nearly-empty costume store to comb through the remaining goods, and look what he found!

Worth every penny.

And so everyone trick-or-treated until their pillowcases popped, and I have promised myself that next year I will order my October priorities so that my child will not suffer last-minute genital humiliation.

Comments

comments

62 Responses to “Day One! Or, Snatching My Child’s Nuts from the Jaws of Defeat”

  • That’s a pretty damn good find on the day of!

    And now he has the added bonus of someday being able to reproduce!

  • It seems as though everything worked out for the better. That gorilla costume is awesome!

  • I’m trying so hard not to laugh out loud that it’s actually hurting me!

  • Oooh, I like you! Here from Jennyology. I’ll be back.

  • What a memory you brought back. No, no, not the costumes or halloween…

    Vanilla ice cream covered with Nestle Quik! When I was little I used to gorge myself with this stuff. I loved stirring it until it was like chocolate soup! I’m such a weirdo.

    Great costume! I’m fortunate that my kids are now teenagers and they participate in a haunted garage with costumes already provided. No thinking necessary on my part. Wee!

    Happy NoBloPoMo!

  • carved his wee nutsack in twain and cleaved like something cloven have me biting my lip in an attempt to keep from laughing out loud at my desk. Hee!

  • Great 1st day out!!

  • Wow. That would have been one hell of a story for his therapist one day! Thank goodness it didn’t happen. Thank you even more for the laugh.

  • My mother was a One Life to Liver too. But she never got up when we asked for something. Five minutes later or otherwise.
    But I don’t remember my brother ever suffering the bisected nuts Halloween costume (but then I think he only had one to begin with.)

  • I used to stand in the kitchen and gorge myself until sick, too, but vanilla ice cream and Nestle Quik sounds much better, more delicious, and a much more mentally stable habit. My drugs of choice were spoonfuls of salad dressing (every one we had at any time in the fridge except for Thousand Island), and Kool-Aid – the powder straight out of the canister. (The presweetened kind, of course.)

  • Hey! It’s “Six Feet Under!” You’ve got to have your priorities! :)

  • I’m thinking that THAT costume = sweaty balls.

  • If there is a funnier word than “nutsack” I don’t know what it is.

  • well, i’m sure he didn’t look as bad as this:

    http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/4742/spride0ro.jpg

    (probably not work safe… maybe… yeah, probably not)

  • Those wee little fingers on that scary gorilla are just too absolutely hillarious. But! That is an awesome costume for something last minute!

  • That is a GREAT costume. Hope he had fun!

  • Alas, I too barely glanced at the costume the husband ordered from a catalog a month ago until half and hour before school yesterday only too find out that it was 3 sizes too large. I sent my little Anakin Skywalker off into the world, shoe flaps flopping like a clown with an extemely long tunic down to his calves. But, on the bright side, his sweet little manhood didn’t take a beating.

  • “I amused myself in the kitchen eating vanilla ice cream sprinkled with chocolate Nestle’s Quik powder until I threw up.”

    However clumsy it is to quote here, I just had to do it. I love it. I think my mom was smoking and reading a Regency romance while I practiced setting the doghouse on fire.

    And btw, my son was experiencing some “scrotal scrunch” in his pumpkin costume. I think I filed it under ‘who bloody cares?’ and I’ve decided to do better next year, too.

  • While “nutsack” is my personal favorite nickname for male parts, my husband likes “tea bags”.

    It feels really wrong to type this on someone else’s blog, I must say!

  • I kept waiting for the double entendre to kick in. ‘and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I rescued the bag of almonds I packed in my son’s lunch.’

    Nope.

    You said what you meant and meant what you said.

    As a male myself, I am just happy that I never suffered genital torture that I didn’t pay an extra seventy-five dollars for!

  • This is my first time reading your blog and I laughed so hard I started crying.

  • Best.
    Post.
    Ever.

    Poor Jackson.

    Hurray for Jack.

    Blackbird, thank you for the additional thought.

  • OMFG, I haven’t laughed at a blog like that in a while. Yes, it looks like Jackson’s business was safely stored inside the gorilla costume. Well done, well done.

  • That. Was. Hysterical.

    But I’m with you– the Ignore It And They Will Forget kind of mothering is a damn good tactic, and I hope this doesn’t make you change.

  • Lordy, that was funny…thanks. Love the bit about your mom.

    If it makes you feel any better, my kid’s desired costume had to be handmade, requiring the alteration of a thrift store garment. I slacked so long at getting it finished, that I STAPLED seams together where I should have sewn. The poor kid stabbed himself under his fingernail with a staple, which isn’t nearly the bonus of ending up with the rad gorilla suit.

  • I rarely LOL when I read other people’s blogs, but this…this was like a mastercard commercial- priceless.

  • Hi. I e-mailed you for NaBloPoMo already, but just in case. :)

    http://girlgoddess83.livejournal.com/

  • That was hilarious…I too am going to enjoy this month if all your stories are this good…..

  • EXCELLENT COSTUME. I want one for myself.

  • Since you got me thinking about nutsacks, I feel compelled to point out the the gorilla’s face looks like a blue scrotum, with eyes. All wrinkly and stuff.

  • Except in my house I ignore my children so I can read someone else’s blog a little longer… and they wind up wearing hand-me-down costumes from last year. Ah, the coping skills of a mother!

  • Really funny. Thank you!
    -Deirdre

  • I just laughed til I cried. He looks great in the costume he ended up with.

  • I have to agree with Antonia. My son did not enjoy his lunch of breast while I yelled your entire post to my husband in the other room. My son also may not enjoy his new hearing loss.

  • “…that time in kindergarten when his mother made him wear his scrotum on the outside of his Halloween costume.”

    WORTH EVERY PENNY. I owe you one, OK?

  • Okay, so I’m hitting almost the deadline! But I so want in on this!!!

    http://www.insidelisa.blogspot.com

  • please include me in your challenge:

    http://www.spasmodicblog.typepad.com

  • I disturbed my neighbor laughing. Zach and my cat are on to the” wait five” routine…… Zach wore the costume all of October except or course on Halloween….I knew this was coming so I had a skull t-shirt on under neath when he took off his Super suit at the party. BTW- Thank you for adding jippy Jabber to your list!

  • He missed a golden opportunity. He could have been the “NUT NINJA”

    Consider it for next year.

  • I’m torn between thinking HOORAY, thirty days of this funnyness at Fussy! and GODDAMMIT I totally cannot keep up with that.

    Because sweet jesus that was funny.

  • I can’t do anything but laugh after reading this.

    Shit, my writing sucks.

  • Oh my gosh, thank you for the belly laugh. I think I may have to keep reading this post over and over- especially this part “And your nutsack will bulge freely out of your costume, which will make your cry and not want to get out of the car when we get to school.”

  • Good work on looking out for the kid’s nougat satchel. You don’t want him to end up with a cleft scrotum. Those things are even uglier than normal flesh baloons.

  • That is SO much better than a Ninja costume. I’m sure he stood out among the legions of Power Rangers – a good old fashioned gorilla.

  • I’m so relieved to know I’m not the only mother who ever ignored Halloween until the last moment and ended up (nearly) ruining it for the kid. Well, in your case, Eden… all’s well. I agree that costume is worth however many pennies you paid, he looks excellently scary.

    Last Halloween I failed to get my son a costume because I simply could not be bothered to look for a costume until it was way past too late, he didn’t end up having one at all and, surprisingly, didn’t get over it! Well, I did fail him by not planning ahead, so I was sure not to screw that up again. I got him a costume LAST MONTH and participated in the party at school, took a billion pictures and suffered through heat and a plague of mosquitoes to take him trick-or-treating for candy he doesn’t need and I’ll never let him eat.

    I am redeemed! The important thing is, he had such a great Halloween THIS year that he’s finally forgotten all about LAST year.

  • That costume kicks ass. And it is good to know that no nutsacks were harmed during the wearing of it.

    I have got to figure out how to work nutsack into my blog this month.

  • Commenting in support of NABLOPOMO.

    “Cloven Nutsak” would be an awesome band name.

    Now I’m going in the kitchen to look for Nestle Quik powder.

  • Chriiiist! That was the best entry I’ve ever read. It took me until just now to realize that having kids can truly make you more interesting. Also, I’ve never been so glad to not have testicles, in my life.

    Congrats on a post well done. I think I may regret my fist NaBloPoMo entry, but it’s too late now. *nervous laughter*

  • That picture just made my day.

    You’re setting some high standards for NABLOPOMO. That was the best post ever.

  • As member of the other sex – thank you for sparing your son :-)

    And yes, having children will make you more interesting. Try taking Chinese twin girls through the mall in a stroller on a Sunday morning and you’ll find out what I mean!

    BTW: when will the full list of NaBloPoMo participants go up on your site? I can’t find Random Thoughts on there :-(

  • That image is sad and hysterical. Great post.

  • I’m an OK writer but “carved his wee nutsack in twain” is pure genius.

    (BTW, if you’re ever out of Quik, chocolate Ovaltine is good too.)

  • If I wasn’t at work, I would be laughing sooooo loud;>

    I think I’ve sprained something trying to contain myself, though…

  • I’m 20 and reading this, I just realized that young moms like Fuzzy are more similar to myself than I thought. In regards to cutting a hole in the crotch of a costume, there are no secrets. I guess mom’s don’t have superpowers like I always thought.

  • The crotchal area is just frought with anxiety–my youngest son was getting ready for the homecoming dance and accidentally stabbed himself with a safety pin (safety, my ass)and left a teeny tiny drop of blood on the zipper flap of his khakis. I said, “Come on, it’s barely noticeable and do you really anticipate a ton of people looking at your crotch all night?”

    He said, smirking, “Mom, I have no control over how many people stare at my crotch.”

  • OMG.I a laughing my silly at the thought…..

    I LOVE the Gorilla!

  • The funniest thing I have ever read. There are tears in my eyes. Wow, do you have a way with words!

  • Ohhhh, man, this has already been said a dozen times, but I am laughing so hard I’m crying. Guh, I love Halloween & kids & costumes. And nuts…let’s not forget nuts.

    Jooley Ann aka hohoholden

  • you said, “So Jackson put on his regular clothes in the back seat, and he actually seemed kind of relieved that he wouldn’t have to spend his life getting over that time in kindergarten when his mother made him wear his scrotum on the outside of his Halloween costume.”

    I am Laughing out Loud.

  • Hilarious! The title alone had me laughing out loud. Poor kid. He has a LOT to be thankful for. Love the costume he ended up with.