It's Hard to Post When You're Fucking Sad
I don't know what's up with me, I've just been kind of sad lately.
I guess I must be pulling out of it because otherwise there'd just be continued silence from this web site, but on the other hand my one and only new year's resolution was to bring down the walls that hide my wee, withered heart from the world.
It's amazing how in the effort to delude others you can spend years deluding yourself.
The walls were crumbling anyway, they'd been built to protect a bunch of wounds that healed (or at least scarred over) years and years ago, but the hiding became a habit.
Anyway, they're coming down pretty easily, but I'm still accustomed to pretending I'm not feeling what I'm really feeling so that I won't have to fucking discuss it.
So now I have the feelings (hello, sadness!) but lack the vocabulary to explain them, even to myself.
So, not much in the way of funny Internet anecdotes lately, although here's a good one from last Christmas that I haven't been able to fit in anywhere:
My niece and nephew in Denver are, what, eleven and twelve years old, and back at Christmastime we were driving by a fancy little strip mall that was all restaurants, and my niece and nephew start arguing. See? says my niece, There's the doughnut shop, right next to Baja Fresh, like I told you.
And my nephew goes, You never told me it was next to Baja Fresh, you said it was next to Panda Express (or whatever the fuck these places are named).
But the thing that made the whole exchange funny is that they kept saying Baja Fresh over and over and over, but they were pronouncing it with the hard J: Ba-Jah, instead of Ba-Ha.
Now, I had an English teacher who taught us Byron's poem Don Juan and my teacher pronounced it Don Jew-Ahn because he said that's the way a nineteenth-century Englishman would have said it, and I sort of believed him because he read a lot.
However, if you were an almost-teenage kid growing up in a state that used to be part of Mexico -- hell, the name of your state is a fucking Spanish word, Colorado -- do you think that at some point in your eleven or twelve years, despite the official language law, you would have heard the word Baja pronounced in the native fashion?
Or are the suburbs even more deafening now than they were when I grew up there?
Posting this cheered me up a little bit, actually.
I think I'll go eat some cake.
I guess I must be pulling out of it because otherwise there'd just be continued silence from this web site, but on the other hand my one and only new year's resolution was to bring down the walls that hide my wee, withered heart from the world.
It's amazing how in the effort to delude others you can spend years deluding yourself.
The walls were crumbling anyway, they'd been built to protect a bunch of wounds that healed (or at least scarred over) years and years ago, but the hiding became a habit.
Anyway, they're coming down pretty easily, but I'm still accustomed to pretending I'm not feeling what I'm really feeling so that I won't have to fucking discuss it.
So now I have the feelings (hello, sadness!) but lack the vocabulary to explain them, even to myself.
So, not much in the way of funny Internet anecdotes lately, although here's a good one from last Christmas that I haven't been able to fit in anywhere:
My niece and nephew in Denver are, what, eleven and twelve years old, and back at Christmastime we were driving by a fancy little strip mall that was all restaurants, and my niece and nephew start arguing. See? says my niece, There's the doughnut shop, right next to Baja Fresh, like I told you.
And my nephew goes, You never told me it was next to Baja Fresh, you said it was next to Panda Express (or whatever the fuck these places are named).
But the thing that made the whole exchange funny is that they kept saying Baja Fresh over and over and over, but they were pronouncing it with the hard J: Ba-Jah, instead of Ba-Ha.
Now, I had an English teacher who taught us Byron's poem Don Juan and my teacher pronounced it Don Jew-Ahn because he said that's the way a nineteenth-century Englishman would have said it, and I sort of believed him because he read a lot.
However, if you were an almost-teenage kid growing up in a state that used to be part of Mexico -- hell, the name of your state is a fucking Spanish word, Colorado -- do you think that at some point in your eleven or twelve years, despite the official language law, you would have heard the word Baja pronounced in the native fashion?
Or are the suburbs even more deafening now than they were when I grew up there?
Posting this cheered me up a little bit, actually.
I think I'll go eat some cake.
61 Comments:
Hope you start feeling better. I know what you mean though. I have depression issues and like a lunatic I choose to avoid medication so those dark periods come up pretty frequently. I do think writing about it always helps that and reading.
Cookies! Yum! I have quite a few boxes of those myself because I was attacked by cookie moms. I hope you didn't suffer a similar fate.
Eating cookies makes me happy.
Reading your posts make me happy.
Using the correct verb tense in my comments makes me happy.
Two out of three ain't bad.
I grew up in S. Cal. so I should know better. However, there is a well known Indian tax case that I came across in work research involving the Jicarilla Apache Tribe. Since I only had to read it, not talk about it, in my head I always pronounced it phonetically. One time I was at a conference and a guy got up and introduced himself as being from what sounded like the Hickory Apache Tribe. "Wow," I thought, "I've never heard of the Hickory Apache Tribe." Later I noticed Jicarilla spelled out on the conference agenda and figured it out. DOH!
Ba-jah, that's cute. But they should know better. What is this world coming to?
I hope you feel better soon. Depression stinks.
A galleta, indeed. Hope tomorrow is a bit cheerier. :)
I was like twenty before I knew how to pronounce La Jolla. Enh, how many Californians know how to pronounce Worcester?
You should hear my Mum pronouncing Ojai as 'OJ'.
I think I'm in a similar place with the sad and the past and the walls. There have been partly sunny/partly cloudy days all week. I hope it goes well for you and at a good clip. I can often hear my grandmother at times like this saying "This too shall pass", followed by the serenity prayer and an unsettling story about my alcoholic grandfather.
It's always fun when you use "fuck" a lot in a post.
It's weird. I had a *feeling* you were sad which is why I sent what I hoped would be a cheering email. Spooky web empathy.
Thanks for the honesty!
I am totally cracking up over the "J" thing because seriously, Americans can't win! We are a product of our mixed cultural heritage. Sure, in the case you mentioned, Baja needs the "h" sound, but there are other cases where you need the "j" sound and then White Peoples insist on giving it the "zh" sound. My From the Land of Curry Husband's name has a J in it and people insist on putting that damned "zh" sound, thus making his name very similar to a sex act also known as a "3-way". hee hee
Well shooooot. Not that I thought that I was the only one who was feeling dowwwwn, but it's a bit more depressing to know that one of the places I go to have a good laugh, or at hear a story that makes me think. Hopefully your spirits are "up" soon.
I somehow hadn't read your blog for a while, and my first day back am inspired to comment...
re: Don Juan...
I've been involved in classical music all my life, and took foreign languages in school (not that you can tell now, but that's another story), and anglicized pronunciations have always gotten to me.
Case in point: Buena Vista, VA (Byoo-na vista), and my uncle who says fo-kay-sha bread (as in foccaccia).
And one in particular: Jee-zu (in Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring). Drives. Me. Nuts. So imagine my consternation, some years ago, when my very good chorus was singing the above, and the choir director--very educated, and SHOULD KNOW BETTER, but unfortunately was a bit of an Anglophile--insisted that we sing Jee-zu, instead of Yay-zu, b/c "we're singing it in English, not German, and that's how it's pronounced in English Church music.
Yes, well, the English refer to the French as Frogs, but that doesn't mean we have to do it too.
Humpf.
For crying out loud, go to the doctor and get some meds. I suggest a pyschiatrist/psychologist combo, as the first can prescribe meds and the second will do therapy with you. If this is long standing, get help! search genxquilter at blogspot for my story.
Denise
We are approaching January 24, the "most depressing day of the year." It looks like some of you started the celebration early!
Hopefully it doesn't last and you'll feel better soon!
Is a week "long standing"? I'm pretty sure it's still okay to be melancholy for a few days without resorting to antidepressants.
Something about January always makes me melancholy. I only know this because every year I whine and whimper and then one friend or another says--"You're always depressed in January." This year I managed to diagnose it myself, but I don't know why it happens. Maybe the passing of another year? Maybe SAD? Maybe life sucks in January, just as it does Monday mornings....
Whoa now, GenX! Posting that butterflies and rainbows aren't flying out of your butt doesn't mean time to call in the antidepressants! Sheeesh!
I'm pretty sure it's still okay to be melancholy for a few days without resorting to antidepressants.
Yeah, no kidding. I feel I've done a bit of clamming up on the 'tarwebs in part because almost every time I say I'm feeling blue there's a chorus of folks recommending (at top volume) particular drugs in particular doses and ...
My God, I just realized what happened to all those people who used to attend all the Grateful Dead concerts offering various doses.
I'm sorry things are rough, right now. But good for you for starting to feel this....I hate to be so damn practical about emotions, but the truth is, the longer you wait to look at them, the bigger and uglier they appear.
You will get to the other side, though--and it does exist. Till then you'll be close to mind and heart.
It's okay to be melancholy in January without resorting to antidepressants. I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on the Internet, but I've been clinically depressed almost my whole life and believe me, there's a huge difference.
Ahem. Hey! My husband had a High School English Teacher who also pronounced it Don Jew-ahn, for the same reason yours did. Maybe they read the same "how to teach Don Juan" textbook.
Mmmmm, cake. Now that makes me happy. But that's a whole other issue.
Sadness sucks.
I don't know if it's amusing or sad, but a high school history teacher had two mispronunciations I will *never* forget, and no such excuse about how someone may pronounce them. Confucius (con-few-cuss) and Socrates. No joke. I thought enough people had jokingly called him so-crates by that point that no one could possibly get it wrong by accident.
I've been having a sad January as well. The strange thing is that I'm kind of enjoying it. It's like I'm getting all the crying out for the year, and when it gets sunny again I'll go back to being sunny again. Life's hard, and there's something indulgent about living through it.
Also, I studied in England for a semester of college and I had an English professor who always said "Don Jew-on." I found it really funny, and I simply assume that was just a funny English pronunciation, like "al-um-in-i-um" for aluminum or "sheed-u-lll" for schedule that they use just to prove they're not American.
The most depressing day of the year is supposed to be this coming Monday according to research by my old University http://www.cardiff.ac.uk/newsevents/10592/index.html
Hardly surprising we feel rubbish at this point in January - it is ages since Christmas, ages since pay day, the weather is lousy (here in the UK anyway!), new year's resolutions have been broken...
Let's hope everyone feels brighter soon. I know it has been months since I even felt the sun on my skin - I leave for work in the dark and get home in the dark and at weekends it is cloudy anyway. Better weather would definitely help me.
I have always pronounced Baja, "Baha" but I am English and have no idea where I would have heard it first.
(Also on Noelle's English pronounciation point, we pronounce aluminium that way because that it how we spell it in England (with a second i). I don't think I have ever heard schedule pronounced Scheed-u-ll though - some British people say "sked-yule" and some say "shed-yule"!)
Light a fire and curl up on the sofa with Cookie, a book and a blanket. I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish.
I was once on a train in south London, listening to some tourists studying the map as we approached Loughborough (pronounced Luffburrer) Junction.
"Where are we?"
"Just coming up to Loogerbarooger Junction."
Hope you feel better soon. x
PS Maybe you're on a heavy comedown from all that fondant icing.
My 12 yo daughter pronounces it exactly that way as well. She takes Spanish and knows how to say it properly but thinks it funnier the other way.
I get melancholy during this month. I also feel oh so lucky that I do not have your cake in my fridge, or rather, in my stomach. You got discipline. That sucker would have been gone 12 hours later and they would have found me panting by the empty box, licking the address label.
how many Californians know how to pronounce Worcester?
Woos-tah! :)
Yes, I am a Californian.
I gave a book report on Chaim Potok, pronoucing his first name like "chain" but with an "M". (It is like "Hi-MM" but with a gutteral situation going on which I can do VERY WELL now that I was shamed in front of my junior high English class.)
But these pronunciation things do not matter. (unless they make you happy.)
Your tender heart matters. (unless that makes you sad.)
Wishing you happiness, rainbows, and peace.
I'm sorry about the sadness. I know what that's like, and it does make it hard to post.
It was in a tussle over Baja Fresh pronunciation that my 9-year-old made a joke that made me realize I'm raising snarky ironic kids:
MV: It's ba-ha fresh, not ba-ja fresh, S.
S: Well, if we studied Spanish in school I would have known that.
MV: But you do study Spanish in...hey, wait a minute!
That cheered _me_ up.
Here's wishing you smiles...
I'm sorry you're down. January is a sad month. It's cold and it's dark and that makes everything more difficult.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, we spend 6-9 months of the year in Mexico and whenever we come back to the US, it is SO HARD to drop the Spanish pronounciation of words we've said all our lives. San Jose, Colorado (not caularado), Rio Grande (not Rio Grand); I think Rio Grande is the worst one; it is so hard to drop the "ay" on the end of "Grande" (the spanish pronounciation) even though we know we're in the US, it takes a while to bastardize the Spanish words with the American pronounciation.
Hope you're doing better. Tequila, maybe? :) Course, we're in coffee country right now, so maybe some freshly picked beans?
I would rather hear someone say Ba-Jah (which can be justified with ignorance or by saying that the food is so Anglicized that the name should be, too) than describe the superstore as Tar-zhay, which can not be justified at all.
I had the Don Jew-ahn teacher, too; he said he hated it but we had to do it that way or it wouldn't scan right. Which is true. He was also exceedingly well read! Gosh, that counted for a lot.
Awwww. I'm sorry you are feeling blah. I hope it starts getting sunnier soon!
my canadian friend once ordered the "polo special" at a mexican restaurant. we still laugh about that one.
and i think tar-zhay is hilarious.
Sorrow - the sleep of Joy - slips slowly in,
on evening shadows when her day is done
And tips her cup of Chamomile to catch
the last touch of warmth
from the beauty of the day that has been
She lifts Joy up, stepping stocking-footed
among the pages of Harlequin romance
scattered underfoot where Joy let them fall
as sleep found her, alone, with the TV Guide
She draws the flannel covers back
to lay sweet Joy's head upon the pillow
And keep watch by the window
as the heavens turn
What could have been, but was not,
and what was - Basho's lament: "If only, if only"
She sings hope's saddest song
her own long, lingering lullaby
Until the eastern sky grows crimson
with creeping flame of day
And Sorrow, lulled to sleep at bedside
by the dreams of what could have been
Awakes again as Joy, to the beauty of what simply is
I feel like I've all but given up on my stupid blog. I know this is counter productive. The writing is what's saved me for so long. Maybe it's seasonal crap, I don't even care to label it, figure it out whatever...Normally, I read through your comments, but today, it's just too TIRING...hang in, your not alone.
I saved you a piece of my birthday cake. When you run out of food, email me and I'll Fed-EX it to you. Swear.
you know what the fuck i think about this sadness that so many of us grown bloodywell smart capable women have bouncing around inside of us? which keeps so many of us from really going where we want to go? you know what i think? we need a bonfire. wherein we figure out how to BURN ALL THAT CRAP and really just move on. but at the same time keeping a little of it inside because honestly? what makes us so spectacular? is partly all that crap anyway. sigh. if we could keep the person the crap has helped make us but be confident and happy anyway? that's what we need the bonfire for. somehow.
I haven't been here in a while. It is so pretty!
I'm sorry you're sad but glad you're bringing down walls.
e-lurking. I've been a regular visitor since the start of NaBloPoMo.
Yay for bringing down walls!! Part of the reason that I am drawn to (and enjoy reading) sites like yours is that you allow people in, to see the real you, pretty or not. It's a brave, brave thing to open up.
I send a virtual hug!
When I was in high school, I was taking notes during a lecture, and I kept wondering who this "Donkey Hotey" was. I figured I would just look him up later. I think the Man From La Mancha would appreciate that.
Then during a human anatomy class (again in high school, I swear), we had to write a research paper on a controversial topic in contemporary medicine. I was assigned "Youth in Asia." I kept wondering why healthcare for young people on the continent to the East of me was so controversial.
I was only 16. That's my excuse and I am sticking to it.
Try to listen to music or talk to your friends. Maybe it will help you out.
This is neither here nor there, but I've been thinking about it since yesterday when I was stopped at a red light: why, when they re-made and released the Chevy Impala, did it become the im-PA-luh, instead of the original, correctly pronounced im-PAH-luh. Is the new-and-improved version also the Phonetically Correct model?
I'm sorry you're sad. Around here February does that to everyone. Are you in a different time zone that makes February come much sooner?
I very much empathize with you right now. After years of pushing it down, it can take a while for the vocabulary to come back. It's like those kids that get lost in the woods and go feral and then have to relearn speech when they're rescued by some rich benefactor.
Hang in there.
Scarred heart, self - delusion, hiding, reluctant to discuss negative emotions..... deflecting with humor...... yeah, you've got it bad..... that just sucks! Eating cake does help temporarily. This is something I try once the cake is gone..... I find a color that expresses my feeling ( because words aren't always best here) Then I put the color on a paint brush and wipe it off on a canvas. I just do that over and over until I feel like changing the color or until I see an image or something. I made a paiting that looks like dirt and I think that was how I felt but couldn't figure it out at the time.... Sometimes I don't get any image or picture, I just feel a little better and need a nap. But wait, the cable guy wanted to buy that painting from me...... someone told me to tear up the old phone book....that I think would be good for anger..I'd rather be angry than sad...hopes it leaves you soon.
My sister-in-law, also from Colorado, had a hellish time sounding out Junipero Serra on her last visit to San Francisco.
Joo-knee-purr-oh? Sir-ah? Joo-nipper-oh?
My mom cheers me up, but not in the way you think. Meaner than that.
She struggles with English. It's her last name. And her native tongue, but still:
Shoo-shoo = chi-chi, like expensive
Chipoe-litty = Chipotle
FaJAIta = fajita (you just try to keep a straight face in front of the waitstaff on that one)
There are more , especially axioms and metaphors. We'll bust those out if it's raining next week.
My FIL calls headgear baklava and the pastry, balaclava..He's eighty and ornery.
my teacher pronounced it Don Jew-Ahn because he said that's the way a nineteenth-century Englishman would have said it,
I so didn't believe this when I heard it from my literary husband and our very well read English teacher friend. But now I have to believe it because it's on Fussy.
Hope more little things happen to cheer you up. This is apparently the most depressing day of the year. Hooray.
I keep coming back to check, and you're still sad. I wish there was more I could do than leave trite comments on your blog. I live too many 1000s of miles away to make you a cup of tea.
Here's a list, because I know you like them.
1. You've never struck me as someone who hides her heart from the world, and I think you have a heart of gold.
2. Do you feel like you have to have a funny anecdote before you post? I feel like that, and it sucks sometimes. But you could write teen-angst haiku and we'd all keep reading you and loving you to bits no matter what.
3. We all love you to bits. I know I dropped that into 2 but it's important so I'm saying it again.
xxxooo
Once again, Antonia's said it best.
It is all true.
How was that cake, btw?
Yep, it is hard to post when you are fucking sad. No witty comment other than to agree...
I was in the same slump, but we scored second row tickets to a hockey game, drank some beer, watched men beat up on each other, then went home and had sex. I have since cheered up considerably. I think it was the bloody men that did it. ha I hope you feel better soon.
I think feeling down is contagious this time of year. Lately I feel like I either want to stay in bed or throw a large object across the room. Okay, having a vision of me throwing my office desk across the room just gave me a slight smile. Ahhhh...
I have only began recently reading your stuff lately and have been enjoying it. I wish I could be half as talented as you!
It's like giving your emotions time to catch up with your decisions. While you're waiting, I think cake is an excellent idea :)
I haven't read all the comments so sue me if it's already been said, but...
if you look at the rhyme scheme in Don Juan, he rhymes it with "new one" which totally supports the Jew-uhn pronunciation. The end.
I'm a Canadian living in the world's largest officially bilingual city (Montreal) and I can't get over how often I hear French words totally mispronounced! It drives me absolutely nuts! It seems the people who do voice-overs for the local TV stations have never heard a French word in their lives. So fear not, it's not just in Colorado!
It's not hard to post when you are fucking sad. I do it all the time. Can't say my readers dig it all the much LOL.
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