My Left Foot. It Hurts.

On March 7, 2007 by Eden M. Kennedy

Somehow I managed to bruise the ball of my left foot. I might have done it carrying Jackson down the ladder from his bed. He has this big wooden bunk bed with shelves and storage and a desk underneath, but the rungs of the bed ladder are meant for wee elfin feet, not my big gorilla flaps, and so I think one morning I was carrying Jackson down out of bed like a dauphin whose alabaster appendages must never grace the ground — actually, it’s just because I’m a sucker and like his muggy smell in the morning so I always wrap him up and carry him to the living room while I gnaw on his neck, and then I unceremoniously dump him on the couch. But to get him down from his bed I end up balancing with his and my combined weight on a bunk bed ladder rung the width of Scotch tape.

So, if I weigh approximately 150 pounds and Jackson’s another approximate 50, and I am traveling backward at a rate of one mpm (meter per minute) balancing 200 pounds on one square inch of nerve-dense footal tissue centered mysteriously behind the fourth toe of my left foot, how long before my nerves are damaged to the point where my gait resembles that of an elderly orangutan with an ill-fitting (rubber) prosethesis?

Thank Feodor Dostoyevsky for Earth Shoes. All that negative heel propaganda is finally paying off, they’re the only shoes that I can wear right now that allow me to shift enough my weight to my heel that I don’t look quite so much like I’m nurturing a foot vagina.

Unfortunately for my inner thirteen-year-old girl, whom I had recently appeased by impulsively rescuing these scrappy gems from Nordstrom Rack:

star_spangled_shoes

If only I could wear them without crying out in pain.

Finally, here’s a Byrneunit-required list of films number 27 through 32 on my Netflix queue:

27. Broadcast News
Such a crush on William Hurt after this (one point on which I am uncharacteristically consistent, as some will recall: I always like the dumb guy).

28. Me and You and Everyone We Know
This keeps getting bumped down the queue to the point where I don’t even know what it is anymore.

29. The Anniversary Party
I keep seeing little bits of this on IFC, and was intrigued enough to put it on the queue but not with a top-ten commitment.

30. Beauty and the Beast
This is really for Jackson, but it’s the Cocteau version, with the human arms coming out of the walls holding candles, and the creepy way Beauty floats around without moving her legs? So this will probably stay mid-queue for another ten or fifteen years.

31. Knowing Me Knowing You: The Complete Series
Is this some British TV series that’s supposed to be good? It’s been on the queue for so long I’ve forgotten.

32. Bottle Rocket
Jack barely tolerates the Wes Anderson/Owen Wilson combo (notwithstanding The Life Aquatic, believe it or not), so this one won’t make it into our mailbox for awhile. Bonus trivia: when we lived in L.A. I worked in the editing house that made the trailer for this! So I’ve already seen it twenty times.

Comments

comments

31 Responses to “My Left Foot. It Hurts.”

  • Sorry about your foot. But you’re an old lady now. Get used to it. :)

    I am a longtime William Hurt fan. Not so much his role in Broadcast News, though, because he’s really kind of a putz in that movie, isn’t he? Not that Albert Brooks is any less of a putz.

  • Bottle Rocket = Brilliance.

  • i used to work evenings and sleep mornings, leaving not much more to do at 3 a.m. but knit and watch dvds. i’m cured of most of the bad habits from then, but there’s still 328 movies on my queue and i feel the same way about 300 of them as you do about Me and You and Everyone We Know, which may very well be on my list, for all i know.

    hope your foot feels better.

  • I could watch Bottle Rocket every day. Easily. Maybe twice a day if I had time. Jumpsuits.

  • My guess is that if you’re wearing Earth Shoes, no matter the size – and they actually feel comfortable – you probably have arches. As a lifelong flat-foot I am sooooo jealous.

  • slouching mom: sexy putz, you left out sexy.

  • kaleigh, why is there tape on your nose?

    EXACTLY.

  • I hurt myself laughing. Foot vagina.

    Broadcast News is on my list too, but I do love that sexy putz Albert Brooks. William Hurt just starred in a new adaptation of “Uncle Vanya” at Artist’s Repertory Theater here in Portland, OR, and my brother and his girlfriend went to see it. I only got to see the playbill, even though a) my brother thought that Chekov was the guy on “StarTrek”, and b) I told him about it because it’s my favorite play ever. I guess I’m a good sister, because his girlfriend loved it (it was her birthday present), so he must have scored. ANYWAY… Mr. Hurt’s bio in the playbill started out charming and witty and then kind of wangled it’s way through artsy-fartsyville, to completely unintelligible. Kind of like this comment….
    Great post. Thanks for the laugh. Hope your foot feels better.

  • Earth shoes RAWK…check out the new casual styles…

  • The Anniversary Party single-handedly made me want to slit my wrists one fine sunny June afternoon, so good luck with that movie.

  • I bought Broadcast News at a gas station for 1.99 ten years ago. It was the deal of the century. And, I vote Bottle Rocket the best of the Wilson brothers’ cinematic forays. Cacaw!

  • Oh my god, there is such a thing as a foot vagina… and it’s horrible. I never knew…

  • My left foot hurts too! Although probably not as bad as yours because I don’t have kids to hold when I travel down ladders.

    So anyway, send those starry shoes my way! I’ll use ‘em up real good for you.

  • Let me urge you to put “Knowing Me, Knowing You” on hold for a bit — first watch “I’m Alan Partridge” (both series, in order), and then, when you can’t stand how much your stomach hurts from all the laughing, then, and only then, should you rent “Knowing Me…” for the backstory. Seriously, this is the order in which to watch these.

  • I feel your pain, as they say, only in my right foot. I have this uncanny ability to sprain ligaments in my feet by doing absolutely nothing except having tight calf muscles. Hours of amusement for those around me. Hope your foot is better soon.

  • Thank you for turning me on to “Bad News Hughes”!

    I guess this also totally outs me as the kind of person who can’t resist clicking on a link that promises a glimpse of a “foot vagina.”

    (Sorry about your poor foot.)

  • I saw the Anniversary Party and really enjoyed it. My partner hated it and went to bed half way through. I’m sure movie reviews by complete strangers, especially those divided both for and against, are extremely helpful.

  • Bottle Rocket is really good; The Anniversary Party is pretty good. I’d bump up the former before the latter.

  • You might have a neuroma in your foot, which is basically a small growth on the nerve. Can be treated by a podiatrist with cortisone shots, or sometimes it goes away on its own. Try making a horseshoe shaped pad (with the tender part of your foot in the middle of the horseshoe) so that you aren’t putting any pressure on it, and wear that in your shoe for awhile.

  • Stop hurting yourself!

  • I feel quite strongly that “foot” and “vagina” are two words which should not be used contiguously.

    Also, I wrote a really bad paper on that Cocteau film in college.

    Also, I wish I was your downstairs neighbor. I would not frown at you in the hallway, or in the park.

    Also, I had a really big crush on Holly Hunter after that movie.

  • I really enjoyed The Anniversary Party. It’s full of annoying people and it marked the last time I could stand Alan Cummings, but still, really good stuff, particularly Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates playing themselves, basically, and everyone convincingly portraying a group of adults all doing Ecstacy. Hooray!

  • my left heel is killing me, from plantar faceiteous (sp?). Lets swap all shoes. I keep walking on the ball of my feet.

    We are clearly old.

  • As someone who had a neuroma removed from a toe, let me say I do not recommend it. My toe hurts worse now than it ever did before. And I can barely tolerate wearing my cutest shoes. :(

    Wes Anderson is a genius, and I truly love the Butterscotch Stallion , the one and only Owen Wilson. The best part… Future Man’s house isn’t too far from mine. Swoon!

  • You really should move Me and You and Everyone We Know up on your list. My husband and I and a few other friends all give it a thumbs up!

    I was going to post a bit of dialogue from the movie but I don’t know if it’s too fucked up to post here so here’s the Wiki entry link.

    Check it! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_and_You_and_Everyone_We_Know

    It’s seriously funny.

  • Yeah, Me and You and Everyone We Know is alright. Kinda slow. But that dialog that above person commented about, is classis.

    All I have to say is:

    ))
    (( forever.

  • I third the Me and You and Everyone We Know suggestion, I loved it.

  • And people mock me for referring to the backs of my knees as “knee pits.”

    Honestly Mrs. Kennedy, your blog is a an amazing oasis that I savor vanishing to. Typing the address in and waiting for the screen to come up I hold my breath hoping you’ve posted again. Yup, that nut in your stats from upstate NY? This girl, I should probably do the whole bloglines thing. Anyway, the “foot vagina”? Dear god I don’t know that I’ll ever recover. Thank you for another entry that kept the dishes, laundry and other chores at bay while I had my morning communion with a $30 coffee mug and more ounces of that hot, dark nectar than is probably advised.

    Hope your foot gets to feeling better soon.

  • Two things.

    First, and most interestingestingestingly, I was not five minutes ago have a discussion about #28 with our babysitter. She spent a half hour explaining it to me, but then abruptly stopped when she remembered she’d only watched half. I have no recollection of what she said prior to “and then, well, hm. I guess I didn’t finish it.”

    Second, those shoes vaguely remind me of these I saw in the Title IX catalog today. Too much $$, but still I covet.
    http://www.titlenine.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=2074&itemType;=PRODUCT&iMainCat;=8&iSubCat;=67&iProductID;=2074

  • Oh, wait. Never mind. It was Me, You, Them. Some Brazilian thing and there was a bunch of pregnancies and a cousin… anyway that’s what I typed into Google to find the correct title. Carry on.

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