Waltzing With My Inevitable Decay

On May 11, 2007 by Eden M. Kennedy

At some point in the last month I decided that I was starting to look like hell, so I fired up my cauldron, threw a toad over my shoulder, and ordered a bunch of stuff from Sephora.com. It’s somewhat ironic, if I’m using that word correctly, and I’m pretty sure that I am, that last Thursday night, before we went out, Maggie went through her makeup bag and suggested ten different products that no doubt would have made me look like Ingrid Bergman in vintage suede. But when she was done offering me everything short of greasepaint and a giant comedy powder puff, I mumbled something about being makeup phobic and went off to dig through her recycling until I found a paper bag that would fit over my head, my heart, and my soot-encrusted soul.

Well, round about Saturday afternoon I gave in and borrowed some lipstick. Wow, major concession! I know. But seriously, I’m lazy, and combine that with some minor self-esteem issues and you have a woman who’s preversely proud of the fact that she gets ready for the day in thirty seconds without consulting a mirror.

A woman who denies she has a face, basically.

It’s all those goddamn fashion magazines, they try to make you think you need $1,800 worth of tinted moisturizer just to get out the door.

Look at how much I’m exaggerating! Holy mother, I’m defensive about this.

Anway, when I got back home Monday afternoon there was a little box waiting on my desk chair that contained some fruity soaps and one of these:

I couldn’t open it. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know the magic incantation that would pop the lid. I sat there for two full minutes struggling with it until Jack couldn’t bear to watch anymore and wrenched it open with his manly hands.

Halfway there!


This little paint box sweetly told my makeup phobia to go fuck itself. Look at all the mistakes I’ll be able to make in the privacy of my own home! This thing will probably save me hundreds of dollars, not to mention the agony of going out and buying the wrong color everything, then throwing it all in the trash, putting on my Hefty bag rain coat, and stuffing my sweatpants into my tube socks.

Because after all the tears, there would be no other choice.

Of course, this picture just makes me look like the crinkly, home-birthing, champagne addict that I am, but I swear to you, I have smudges of plum eyeshadow on here, AND the right color blush. God, when did I become such a girl? Naturally, I couldn’t be bothered to brush my hair or put on a decent shirt. Because I’m a rebel. I also think I should say a few more preventative fucks just so I won’t start swooning over ads for anti-aging eye serum.

Cookie is a natural beauty.



58 Responses to “Waltzing With My Inevitable Decay”

  • Sephora is your friend. I just hit the Benefit counter and got some “BLT” (brightening/lightening/tightening) stuff for my dark circles and let me just say that plus a new concealer = I put on makeup to clean my house today. For the hell of it.

    As a fellow champagne addict, I salute you and your nice fresh new look.

  • i’ll follow in your footsteps some day (yes i’m procrastinating).
    cookie IS a natural beauty. if only we could all be so lucky!

  • I know so many people who don’t bother with make-up. Maybe it is an Austin thing, but I don’t think make-up is manditory. I suppose it is good to know how to wear it just in case. As for hair brushing? I brush my hair… twice a month? And it’s past my shoulders. I suppose all that is really imoprtant is the fact that my boss hasn’t caught on yet about my mostly clean clothes and half-assed grooming.

  • I think you’re lovely. :)

    When my mom was teaching me her philosophy about makeup, she told me that if you do it right, it won’t look like you’re wearing any at all; it will merely enhance and complement your features.

    You did well, at least according to the way I was taught. Although I don’t wear anything except maybe some lipgloss, so yeah. I’m helpful.

  • The only reason I don’t wear any makeup now, at 36, is that I was a goth chick throughout high school and I wore enough makeup then to last me the remainder of my entire existence on Earth. No, me and five other women. When my female friends ask why I refuse to put makeup on I tell them that I’m still giving my skin a break.

    And I don’t care what you say. That’s a flattering t-shirt you have on there. I’ve been looking for one in that shade of green for months now.

  • It may not be a phobia, you may just be one of those women, like my fabulous Donna, who simply doesn’t need makeup.

    Cookie, as you say, is one hot bitch.

  • You look wonderful, with or without make-up. However, I understand the whole picture-taking and the make-up not showing up. Drives me crazy and gets me on the whole “Am I not above this?”. But, in the end, I like feeling pretty.
    BTW, I love the green shirt. It’s a gorgeous color.

  • Hey, the green shirt is a hit! I got it here.

  • You look lovely! The whole point of it is to look like you don’t have any on. So you win!

  • This was an awesome post. I could kiss you. And I would of course offer you a glass of champagne after.

    Happy Mother’s Day.

  • this is so ninth grade locker room (me, not you). but you have amazing skin, beautiful coloring, great bones.

    have fun with the paintbox. wear a bright red lipstick if it makes you feel fab. but don’t wear it to “make-up” for anything. there’s nothing to make up for.


  • mmm, champagne

  • Well, not to sound too loverly, but I think you are gorgeous au natural. However. Girly sure looks nice too. Add some lipgloss and you have a homerun. ;)

  • nothing could possibly be hotter than a woman with a brain.

  • OMG. If you don’t want that glorious fishing tackle box of makeup, I will GLADLY take it off your hands. I’ll even pay for shipping! Sephora is my Mecca. I could set up a cot and LIVE there.

    As for you, I think you look fabulous just the way you are…with the fabulous brain and all, like Patrick mentioned.

    Besides, women with eyes your color rarely need much makeup anyway, as your eyes brighten your face in a way that makeup just can’t.

    Maybe just a touch of mascara to frame them…

  • My god, mascara! What have I been thinking?

  • Makeup is fine! It’s like finger paints. At least, that’s how I think of it. Your big box o’ beautiful is like a grown-up kindergartner’s wet dream. If that didn’t sound so wrong, I mean.

  • That box of makeup would be Henry’s favorite toy. He’d be painted up like a geisha in no time. And add me to the legions of shirt-fans. Wear that green all the time, baby.

  • I have never owned such an elaborate collection. Enjoy the freedom of choice!

    (Yeah, that green shirt just makes your eyes pop – or is that the plum eyeshadow? Either way, the shirt is terrific.)

  • You are a natural beauty. Wear the makeup for fun and fun only. Not for need. nopers. nope. The green tee is an awesome color for you.

    And mascara? I end up pulling out my eyelashes cuz I swear it makes them itch. And it curls in. ouch. My husband doesn’t like the lipstick, cuz he says he still likes kissing me on the mouth, so I only wear it on days I won’t see him.

  • the sigh of all that make up caused me to hyperventilate. if I had such a magic box in my hands I’d leave teh house looking like a victim of Homer Simpsons make up shot gun “um Homey, you have it set to whore”

  • I think you’re extremely beautiful, and you grow more so with time. Your face is intelligent, photogenic, warm and friendly all at once. Don’t hide away under too much slap.

  • Hey, now. Some of my best friends are crinkly, home-birthing, champagne addicts.

    Srsly, nothing wrong with a little war paint now and then. When you don’t put it on every day, it doesn’t feel like a chore.

  • I’m going to second Rant. With such nice eyes I just can’t wrap my brain around the no mascara thing? Even in a dark brown…(although I would go black). And some gloss. With maybe a little Bobbie Brown lipliner in spice, filled in through the entire lip (not the perimeter). And you know, you mock the tinted moisturizer, but it is truly a good thing, especially the ones with an SPF built right in. There, not so bad, really.

  • Eden, are you kidding? You don’t need that stuff! You’re beautiful. You always seem to have that fresh & clean look. Don’t get started with this stuff, it’ll only lead to harder drugs (nailpolish! hair product! eee!).

  • my moisturizer regime consists only of bag balm, so you’re way ahead of me.

  • *hugs you*
    *snuggles Cookie and give her a treat*

    Aww! Yes, yes she is.
    But then, so are you, so it’s all good.

    I wear foundation (in the summer, tinted moisturizer) every day, along with some mascara, but color? On my eyes? And my cheeks? THAT is intimidating. However, in the past two months I bought not only two sets of eye color, but some blush. And I even learned how to put on the eye color, or at least, I do my best approximation of it.

    Your paint box would just freak me out and would live under the sink in the bathroom, mocking me.

  • I’m painting my toenails right now! Eeeee!

  • You’re right Cookie doesn’t need makeup. I’ve been feeling the same way lately, old and looking like hell. Maybe I’ll try some makeup. I dyed my hair the other night, it’s a very shocking dark auburn. Well, it shocks me anyway.

  • Looking good, Mrs. K.
    I thought the fruity soaps link was going to be a reference to Waking Ned Devine.

  • Hey!! I want one of those thingies!!!…. And, what’s so bad about loving champagne…or wine..or bourbon…!!

  • Mah-velous, with or without. Meanwhile most women spend way more than you to achieve that same “natural” look.

    Bossy occasionally goes to the makeup counter to browse the latest products, but the product reps are suspicious of Bossy’s lack of Female Know-how and decide she’s actually a transvestite.

  • I don’t wear make-up either, just sunscreen.

    I think you look great and your hairstyle is fab. I’m thinking of trying that look again once I’m down to a normal weight (after my lap band surgery).

    Not buying make-up also gives one more money to spend on other stuff…you know, like pretty bras and shoes!

  • I think you are beautiful, makeup or not. But if a touch of it makes you happy, why not? And that giant box o’ colors looks like so much fun!

    Wishing you a very Happy Mother’s Day!

  • I love my wrinkles. It’s the grey look of death that hits me right around March of every year here (just in time for my birthday) that always freaks me out and sends me running for the paintbox. Then the sun comes back, I go outside and breathe oxygen a little more frequently, color returns to my pallid cheek, and I calm down.

    I think you look great, wrinkles and all. You do not have the grey look of death.

    Neither does lovely Cookie.

  • Eden. You are beautiful. With or without makeup.

  • This post made me cry.

    Sorry, I’m weird. Also PMSing.

    I too get ready for the day in under a minute, and have plenty of eye rolls, and cynical thoughts on the subject of… looking “nice.” Why? Enthusiasm creates energy, and cynicism drains it. So, I’m puttin’ on the dog a little, too.

  • God, you’re gorgeous. Especially in that color green. I’m not even gonna try to make a wisecrack. Just being truthful. But I’m still not convinced enough to actually purchase make-up.

  • Sometimes I buy into the whole makeup thing to, then I return to my senses. You have amazing eyes and your face shines with character, who needs makeup. Let your skin breath. Thought you looked great in Dooce’s pictures as well. And clever title.

  • Cookie looks like he’s planted in the ground. Are you growing bulldogs in your canine garden?

  • De-lurking to say that I think you’re pretty.

    And now lurking resumes.

  • First: Eden — you look so terrifically natural, even with the plum eyeshadow. :-)

    Second: For years, I was the chick who wore only lipgloss and, during the long Wisconsin winters, a touch of blush. (Trust me, Casper is never a good look.)

    For years I used to justify excessive shoe purchases to my husband by saying: “Do you know how much money the average woman spends on make-up per year? You owe me, man!”

    …And then I reached my 50′s and the moisture-sucking affliction called mentalpause.

    Last year, my daughter dragged me into Sephora and I walked out $65 lighter after purchasing the “Bare Minerals” basic collection. I actually had someone say “you look ‘healthier’ – have you been getting some sun?”

    Of course said collection will last me into my 60′s – cuz I’m not giving up the shoes…

  • I love your doggie. I hope she snuffles. A dog like that is not complete without snuffling.

  • What an awesome collection you bought! Have fun. There’s nothing wrong with being a little girly. :)

  • I’ve always thought you an attractive woman, sans-saphora. you should wear whatever makeup (or lack thereof)that makes you feel pretty and continue to tell the world to go fuck itself.

  • You are so cute. I don’t know how you manage to do it. If I wear makeup it’s gobs of makeup or nothing.
    I was ok in the 80′s but now It’s just sad to wear so much and I can’t stop once I get started.

  • I too, hardly ever wear make-up, but I have to have undereye concealer, mascara and a smidge of blush. My sweet husband gave me a tube of Mac lipstick in a very sheer peachy shade and I think it makes a huge difference.

    I wish I could wear my hair short like you. I used to, and I loved it, but now I’m getting old and jowly!

    Great post. Have fun with that Sephora kit!

  • My sympathies on the loss of your father. I can’t imagine the pain you all must be feeling right now.

  • I’m glad you have Cookie and the rest of your family to squeeze. I’m very sorry for your loss.

  • I’m sorry for your loss. Take care and have a safe trip.

  • oh, eden. i’m so sorry. your family will be in my thoughts.


  • you look beautiful! First time reader here, have you ever thought about trying bare escentuals – bare minerals? you can get an intro kit from sephora or ulta (or qvc even)…its all natural, super easy and not cakey!!!! my mom was just like you and when I bought it for her decided she wouldn’t try it. Eventually I made her watch the dvd that comes with it and now everyone she knows has been forced to try it :o)

  • I am so, so sorry for your loss.

  • Oh, no, Mrs. Kennedy… I don’t know how to say how sad I am for you right now.
    So so sorry to hear this.

  • I cannot fathom your heartache – sending good thoughts your direction.

  • Oh Eden, you have my sincerest condolences. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.

  • So sorry about your dad. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.

  • So very sorry to hear about your dad. Hugs.