Family Secrets

On June 13, 2007 by Eden M. Kennedy

You know what makes me laugh? When my dog walks into the room and burps.

We used to have this cat named Venus who was so round and fat we called her Bowling Ball. And we called her Venus, since round is also the shape of a planet. Venus had a sexy twin brother named Tarzan who once snuck through our neighbor’s window and tried to breastfeed on her. Seriously, this was one suave cat, he sidled up into her bed and snuggled on in and started doing the little mushy paws thing on her breast so he could suckle.

I think she still has his picture on her refrigerator.

Anyway, one day Venus came into the room where I was doing something and she burped, which was cute. A little cat burp! Aww. But THEN she farted, pffffffft. Audible car farts are rare indeed, but to cap it off she looked me in the eye and said, “MEOW.” Then she sat down. Like, Whew! what a relief, to let her cat emanations escape all at once.

The point of this ridiculous story is, if you’re ever in the room with Jack and you hear me burp, Jack will inevitably go, “pfffffft,” and then it’s your turn to say, “meow.”

Comments

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40 Responses to “Family Secrets”

  • My little 9-pound miniature pinscher farted three times, audibly, in rapid succession yesterday– as he was hopping up the stairs. I nearly died laughing, and he gave me this wounded look like, “What?”

    My dad’s german shepherd, who is old and gassy, is very sensitive about his farting problem. If you mention anything about the smell, to another person or to the dog himself, he will get up and leave the room in shame. It’s kind of sad but also fucking hilarious.

    In case you can’t tell, I find dogfarts very funny.

  • Noted!

  • You know what makes me laugh? This post. :)

  • usually cat farts are silent, but oh so deadly. make your eyes water and nose hair curl deadly. what you’ve experienced is the 500 year cat fart.

  • This made me laugh out loud. Which is also rare indeed.

  • I think my cousin may have been your neighbor. Unless there is more than one cat that goes around putting the moves on.

  • All fart smells in our house are blamed on the cat. That’s why we have a cat, someone’s gotta be responsible.

  • Your story gave me a chuckle. Our old girl was afraid of her own farts. She had gas occasionally when she was curled up relaxing. She would hop up and skidder out of the room with a look of terror on her doggy face, as if some evil ghost had just poked her in the backside. Hysterical laughter was had by all at her expense. Thanks for the memories.

  • ohmygoodness I’m laughing so hard at that. Dontcha just love a good inside joke? Only now it’s on the outside, which is even better! :D

  • And as an aside, my black lab would fart – audible or not – and then she would JUMP UP and BOLT from the room. Then you just KNEW she did it (if you didn’t hear it). Little brat.

  • I’ve heard one of my cats fart ONCE, and it was the funniest thing I could think of for months. He looked so embarassed, too. But mostly they are just face-meltingly stenchy.

    Burp. Pffffft. Meow. Got it.

  • Hahahaha…that is brilliant. If we’re on the subject of things farting, my 7 week old niece actually does raised leg farts. It’s charming.

  • When we were deciding what kitten to choose, we would go to the ladies house and play with her three kittens, and one day we smelled something horrible and she smiled and said, “One of the kittens has a gas problem but we don’t know which one it is” and we nodded yes yes. We finally chose a kitten and took her home and as luck would have it, she was the gassy kitten. We still love her, but her farts can kill an elephant. The good news is that she can be used as a weapon, face her butt to the enemy and lightly squeeze her belly and she will fart.

  • You and Jack could go around surreptitiously burp-farting together. When you hear a “meow” in response, you’ll have found one of your blog readers! :)

  • When Bossy’s dog – a Great Dane – farts around the house she really farts AROUND the house.

  • I LOVE those sort of weird family rituals. Like when my husband says “You heard the word?” my son always says “Yeah, bird” or when we say “Clear?” he says “Crystal”. Or many other bizarre family call-and-answer style things.
    Your cat is as cool as my friend’s cat who used to pee on the toilet. His name was Taz, and he was so suave that the litter box just didn’t do it for him. He was also a breast man, and spent a lot of time snuggled up on female chests.

  • OMG! I just spit RC Cola all over the monitor!

    Thanks, Mrs. K.

  • oh but you are so very wrong….in a good way

  • Great! When can we come over?

    Wednesday (the Jack Russell/Janice Joplin/french-kissing/flying monkey mix) often comes running up to me, puts her paws up on my chair, looks at me, blows a big fart, it startles her, then she takes off running…as though she’s jet propelled…which I suppose in a way, she is.

  • What if you said, “pfffffffft” for some reason? Does someone then say “meow”, and THEN someone needs to burp? Is there a set starting point on this?

  • You know, Jack is so sensitive to innuendo that any of those three sounds will prompt an appropriate response from him.

  • I have a bulldog as well. Of all his smells, his flatulence is the least offensive.

  • About four cats ago, we had this cat who we picked up very young from a shelter. That first night, he crawled inside my shirt, started kneading, and actually latched on. It was the strangest sensation.

    Our current cat is the farter. I wish she displayed some of the shame you all are describing. Then at least we’d know she was suffering with us.

  • laugh-out-lound funny!

  • Very good to know. I always get awkward whenever I’m not sure what to say in a certain situation.

  • I had a siberian husky who was always surprised by her farts. She never seemed to realize where they were coming from. She would fart, whip her head around to look behind her and then turn in circles trying to find the offender. She was an incredibly beautiful dog but not very bright.

  • Cat farts are funny. My blind cat farted and he turned around toward his bum like, “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”

  • I’m still confused ….

    But I used to have a cat that would fart whenever he didn’t want you to pick him up. He had some, um, powerful gas, so he always got his way.

  • Our 13 year old black lab will fart, give it a sniff, then wag her tail as if to say, “yup, still alive.”

  • I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes!

  • I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes!

  • I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes!

  • I know breastfeeding can affect your brain – but seriously, was this me?

    I do remember Tarzan creeping in and sleeping with us all the time, and he did get place of honour on our fridge for many years (next to Liberace), but as with most guys going for second base I seem to have suppressed that memory (or mammary).

    He was a damn fine cat though. Unlike Ed Lover.

  • OK, this one made me laugh out loud. I’m surprised my husband didn’t come in here to see what I’m up to.

  • It’s probably good to get this out in the open with all new friends (can I tell you how many times I just wrote and rewrote acquaintenances because it looked wrong each time?). Because if it were me, I’d think I’d happened into some kind of feline fetish family.

  • Whenever anyone in the animal/human kingdom of my house cuts one, my daughter looks up and says “Mama,” including when it comes out of her own butt. No one is sure where she got it. Today she pointed at the cat’s anus and said “Diaper.” Indeed.

  • HA HA HA HA HA

    Thanks. :)

  • i had a cat who, if ever there was one, was a man’s cat. reasons included: he grunted, he burped, he gave head-butts and he was very muscley. if only he had audible farts… he would have been perfectly manly.

  • Oh man, that’s funny.

  • HAHAHA

    I just found this post by searching the internet for “Really, REALLY bad Kitten gas”… capitalized just so. XP

    My Gordon’s are -baaad-, but he totally doesn’t notice them. It’s horrible, because… since they don’t bother him, he just lets them rip whenever, wherever.. including right in my face.

    He’s going to the vet next week.. maybe we can find a more… agreeable diet.

    He’s not audible, though. Boy, that would be funny.

    None of my other cats have ever really farted… or maybe I just don’t remember it.

    My hedgehog, Thistle, farted once. Scared the bejeezus out of both of us. I just looked at her and went “I didn’t know you could do that!?” and she gave me this look that said -so- plainly “I didn’t know either!!!”

    Hi-larious.