My Inscrutable Marriage

On June 26, 2007 by Eden M. Kennedy

Last night in bed.

Me: *giggling uncontrollably*

Jack: “What are you reading?”

Me: “Patrick Hughes.”

Jack: “Jesus, why don’t you two just get a room.”

Me: “Great idea!”

yet another indignity

The next morning.

Jack (walking in holding an eighteen-inch squash): “Look what Lori gave me.”

that's what she said

Me: “Holy shit, is that a zucchini? That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen in my life. Lori gave that to you?” (Jack built Lori’s house and now they’re in love.)

Jack: “She found it in her garden and she said as soon as she saw it she thought of me.”

So it’s nice to know that if Jack and I ever break up, he’ll have someone to turn to. And I’ll have, uh, a book and a dildo.

Also, new post at Babble: LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES. I BEG OF YOU.



24 Responses to “My Inscrutable Marriage”

  • This is not meant to imply that Patrick Hughes’s book is in any way something that most women would want to masturbate to.

    That is all.

  • For the record, I would marry Patrick Hughes if I thought for one second that a man like that could be tied down.

    He’s a flibbertigibbet, a will o’ the wisp, a clown…

  • Have you ever seen Tim Curry doing the suggestive English-Music-Hall-style number about a giant zucchini on SNL? Sadly, it does not seem to be on YouTube.

  • A: that is a posh dildo.

    B: I like how Jack is holding the zucchini so tenderly and with real affection.

    C (to sgazzetti): I’m pretty sure Patrick
    would let you tie him down, as long as you would do stuff to him afterward, or during.

    D: Eden, you know Patrick is gonna use that photo in an ad somewhere, right?

  • Oh god this is funny, I am crying tears, real tears!

  • I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now and it’s odd how a picture of a dildo just seems to make perfect sense here. It just…I dunno…fits.


  • Clearly, I need to ignore my pathological cheapness and buy that book. Uh, but not the dildo. It’s apparently still capable of producing uncontrollable giggling, even for those already familiar with the stories it has to tell. The book, that is. Not the dildo.

    Thanks, by the way, for pointing me towards Mr. Hughes. I think I tore something inside me trying not to laugh out loud while reading his archives at work.

  • Uh — will the dildo ever show up at Yogabeans?

  • I started tearing through Patrick’s book as soon as I got it, but now I’m rationing chapters. It’s that fucking great.

    My dildo’s smaller than yours and not nearly as orange. I have shopping to do.

  • It’s always good to have a back-up plan.

  • wrt your Babble post (/me in stitches) — Anna’s Bakery at the camino real marketplace (storke ‘n’ hollister in goooleta) has saved our birthday butts many a time with the last minute cake. I swear they make a few each weekend for those parents who call up in a panic.

    Good cake too.

  • Um, wow. I knew nothing of this book, but I followed the link to amazon where the description included this:

    Key Phrases: poo water, ass blood, saltwater catfish, Down Syndrome, Cousin Barry, Moss Man

    Ok, now how could anyone NOT want to read this book? I mean, poo water??

  • After reading this educational book I now know more about saltwater catfish than I ever did before, now I have to figure out how to steer casual conversations around to show off my new fund of pretend-expertise.

    Norm, thanks for the tip, we’ll try it.

    Also, I’d just like to say in general that I don’t really want to encourage comments that speculate about what Mr. Hughes will or will not do in bed. Let’s all save that for the privacy of our own disgusting minds.

    Thank you.

  • aw man

    and I was crafting something thoroughly disgus… er… delightful

    such a spoil sport

  • I love that you’ve thrown in a shout-out to Kim’s Market. They always had the strangest candy and alcohol.

  • Have your noticed your vibrator looks like a Jolly Rancher?

    Just sayin.

  • bwhahahah I have to agree with aimee, your dildo is very jolly rancher-ish. Does it make your mouth water like a real Jolly Rancher?

    eww ok I grossed myself out.

  • everything about this post made me laugh. thanks.

  • your dildo is so much cooler than mine. and what, exactly, is california breath?

  • You know, that’s right. Zucchini is better in the Bahamas.

  • I need Patrick Hughes’ book. And a giant jelly dildo. Probably a zucchini, too. I’m sure if I got a huge one and told my husband it made me think of him, he’d be pleased. Right?

  • Am I the only one who is now reciting “The House That Jack Built” in my head?


  • Oddly, I always buy cucumbers but never eat them. Perhaps I’m thinking of other things whilst in the produce aisle…

  • The pictures were not finished loading as I was clicking through to babble…..

    So of course I had to think you were referring to the zucchini when you said dildo and I have to say that worried me. LOL OMG!