I was sitting at my computer looking at retro clip art and trying to think of a clever new t-shirt to hawk so as to keep avoiding the soul death of retail employment, when I heard a thunderclap and suddenly there’s a guy in a red satin devil’s outfit, coughing and waving a cloud of smoke away from his face.

“Hey!” he said, thumping his papier-mache trident on the carpet. “Why don’t you copy those hacks over at The New Yorker and make the people who comment on your site furnish a hilarious caption to that dorky image you just downloaded for $8.95?”


“Reading Fussy made my penis 31% bigger!”

“Good idea!” I said.

“I know,” he said.

“Uh, wait a minute. Do I owe you now?”

He paused and lit a fresh cigarette with the tip of his tail.

“Cute,” I said.

“I know, it’s showy, but I’m attached to my little tricks.”

“So do I . . .?”

“The first one’s always free,” he said. Then he giggled. What a nut that guy is!

Okay, so here are the rules:

1. The caption needs to have the word “Fussy” in it.

2. Referencing the fact that Fussy is a web site would be nice, too.

3. I’d kind of prefer it if there were no profanity in the caption because I find that most people won’t wear a shirt like that out in public or around kids, but do what you have to do, funny is funny.

4. I and my panel of yet-to-be-determined comedy experts will choose the best three captions and then I’ll put them up for a vote. The winner gets a high quality, silk-screened shirt in the style of their choice (men’s, women’s, or youth)!

5. I’m opening up comments to everyone so you don’t have to sign in to Blogger to leave a caption, but if you want to be in the running for the prize you need to use a valid e-mail address in your comment I.D. so I can contact you.

6. You can enter more than one caption.

7. Comments will close Friday at noon Pacific time.

That image again:

Go ahead, give it a shot.