Only 7,997 To Go
I have about 8,000 things I want to post about but I keep thinking, Oh, I should leave the caption contest at the top of the page. Well, screw it. If you have a caption idea you can just scroll down and leave it in the comments, I'll be up here wondering if Jackson is old enough to be left alone with a bulldog in the car while I run in to the grocery store.
Me, two weeks ago, in Trader Joe's parking lot: ". . . and don't talk to anybody, and if you unlock the door the alarm will go off. I'm still not sure this is a good idea."
Jackson, buckled in and holding Cookie by the collar: "Mom, you worry too much."
Oh, I do, do I? Well, Mr. Easypants, uh, I guess you're right, as nothing bad happened except that Cookie shed all over the back seat and I ran around Trader Joe's having an anxiety attack because is six too young to wait in the car? My mom let me stay in the car when I was six, but that was the seventies and all she had to worry about was, oh, I don't know, some hippie coming by and getting me to lick the back of a cute little stamp with a happy face on it.
Given the choice between hauling a floppy, resentful kid around the store or leaving him in an alarmed car parked in a shady spot with a ferocious-appearing dog at his side, though . . . nope, still can't feel good about that, sorry! Let's try it again when you're, say, fourteen, or you weigh 165 pounds, whichever comes last.
I don't think I mentioned it but while Jackson and I were in Denver in August, Cookie's little dog routine got upended, resulting in a sort of revolting condition that we're still dealing with. Normally Cookie sleeps with Jackson at night, which works on so many levels -- there's cuddling aplenty, lending much comfort in case of bad dreamings; they both snore, so they somehow cancel each other out and sleep a lot more blissfully than I would with either of them wrapped around my head; and having a warm, furry being at arm's reach has made the transition from two-and-a-half years of co-sleeping with humans a whole bushelful of easier.
But while we were gone Jack got a little too comfortable sleeping king-sized and solo, leaving Cookie to fend for herself and sleep wherever her sad little head could find purchase, alone and forlorn and probably sighing all night on the couch. One morning Jack woke up and found that Cookie had puked at some point during the night (on the couch), then walked around in a little circle (the way dogs do!) and laid down in the puke and went back to sleep.
The puke crust was so thick and so deeply ensnarled in her fur that when he gave her a bath to soften it up and wash it out, and then tried to hit the chunky spots with a brush, oh yeah, the puke would come out but so would a giant tuft of fur. Huge, horrible, mangy bald spots all over the dog. Also? Impossible to resist picking at them while you're watching TV. Which is why I need to start knitting again.
Here's another horrible petcare-related story! A few weeks ago I started getting worried about Peanut the Tortoise because he wasn't eating that much and he was spending all his time under the couch doing Great Pumpkin knows what, reading old swimwear catalogs. I was thinking of taking him to some tortoise vet that may or may not exist within fifty miles of here.
And then we heard the crunching.
Me: "What is that crunching?"
Jack: "I will get down on my hands and knees and look under the couch and tell you what I see in regard to this noise that's coming from under our butts!"
Jack reached under the couch to clear the old pool noodle out of the way, and what did we discover? THAT PEANUT HAD BEEN EATING POOL NOODLE. Tortoises= not that bright, but being scavengers I suppose they're more willing than a lot of us to try new things, so that's nice, I guess, except that he'd been filling up on plastic styrofoam for several weeks. That and the video put me well ahead in the running for worst pet owner of the year, that much is certain, though he seems to have suffered no ill effects and quickly went back to his regular diet of romaine lettuce and whatever's in the fruit bowl that's about to go bad. Hardy little fucker, that's what.
Okay, wow, only 7,997 things left to post! Seriously, I have a list. After that whole long summer of no time to think, now suddenly every time I turn around I find something I URGENTLY NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT. But I will ration out my Very Important Thoughts just in case I hit another dry spell. Just when I think this whole blogging thing is so done and my hits are half of what they were last spring and let's just close up shop, I whirl around like Mary Tyler Moore and throw my hat in the air and shout: Who cares! Yay for blogs!
Me, two weeks ago, in Trader Joe's parking lot: ". . . and don't talk to anybody, and if you unlock the door the alarm will go off. I'm still not sure this is a good idea."
Jackson, buckled in and holding Cookie by the collar: "Mom, you worry too much."
Oh, I do, do I? Well, Mr. Easypants, uh, I guess you're right, as nothing bad happened except that Cookie shed all over the back seat and I ran around Trader Joe's having an anxiety attack because is six too young to wait in the car? My mom let me stay in the car when I was six, but that was the seventies and all she had to worry about was, oh, I don't know, some hippie coming by and getting me to lick the back of a cute little stamp with a happy face on it.
Given the choice between hauling a floppy, resentful kid around the store or leaving him in an alarmed car parked in a shady spot with a ferocious-appearing dog at his side, though . . . nope, still can't feel good about that, sorry! Let's try it again when you're, say, fourteen, or you weigh 165 pounds, whichever comes last.
I don't think I mentioned it but while Jackson and I were in Denver in August, Cookie's little dog routine got upended, resulting in a sort of revolting condition that we're still dealing with. Normally Cookie sleeps with Jackson at night, which works on so many levels -- there's cuddling aplenty, lending much comfort in case of bad dreamings; they both snore, so they somehow cancel each other out and sleep a lot more blissfully than I would with either of them wrapped around my head; and having a warm, furry being at arm's reach has made the transition from two-and-a-half years of co-sleeping with humans a whole bushelful of easier.
But while we were gone Jack got a little too comfortable sleeping king-sized and solo, leaving Cookie to fend for herself and sleep wherever her sad little head could find purchase, alone and forlorn and probably sighing all night on the couch. One morning Jack woke up and found that Cookie had puked at some point during the night (on the couch), then walked around in a little circle (the way dogs do!) and laid down in the puke and went back to sleep.
The puke crust was so thick and so deeply ensnarled in her fur that when he gave her a bath to soften it up and wash it out, and then tried to hit the chunky spots with a brush, oh yeah, the puke would come out but so would a giant tuft of fur. Huge, horrible, mangy bald spots all over the dog. Also? Impossible to resist picking at them while you're watching TV. Which is why I need to start knitting again.
Here's another horrible petcare-related story! A few weeks ago I started getting worried about Peanut the Tortoise because he wasn't eating that much and he was spending all his time under the couch doing Great Pumpkin knows what, reading old swimwear catalogs. I was thinking of taking him to some tortoise vet that may or may not exist within fifty miles of here.
And then we heard the crunching.
Me: "What is that crunching?"
Jack: "I will get down on my hands and knees and look under the couch and tell you what I see in regard to this noise that's coming from under our butts!"
Jack reached under the couch to clear the old pool noodle out of the way, and what did we discover? THAT PEANUT HAD BEEN EATING POOL NOODLE. Tortoises= not that bright, but being scavengers I suppose they're more willing than a lot of us to try new things, so that's nice, I guess, except that he'd been filling up on plastic styrofoam for several weeks. That and the video put me well ahead in the running for worst pet owner of the year, that much is certain, though he seems to have suffered no ill effects and quickly went back to his regular diet of romaine lettuce and whatever's in the fruit bowl that's about to go bad. Hardy little fucker, that's what.
Okay, wow, only 7,997 things left to post! Seriously, I have a list. After that whole long summer of no time to think, now suddenly every time I turn around I find something I URGENTLY NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT. But I will ration out my Very Important Thoughts just in case I hit another dry spell. Just when I think this whole blogging thing is so done and my hits are half of what they were last spring and let's just close up shop, I whirl around like Mary Tyler Moore and throw my hat in the air and shout: Who cares! Yay for blogs!
40 Comments:
Yeah, 6 is too young to leave him in the car, even with the dog. But I absolutely remember being left in the car with my sister when we were that age - weren't the 70s great? I also remember riding down the highway in the back of the station wagon with no seatbelts, eating chips and drinking pop....I know! Not even diet...just regular full-of-sugar pop
It reminds me of what George Carlin said (I think): "For the sake of a few thousand lives, they've taken all the fun out of childhood."
Hot damn! You're funny.
ahhhh, he'll be okay in the car for a minute or two. just crack the window. ALL GOOD.
and since we're now contemplating adding a turtle into the mix at our household thanks to you, good to know about the pool noodle. on the upside, i'm thinking a turtle would have a good time scavenging beneath our couch, picking up three year old stray cheerios and Care Bear shaped fruit snacks. i'll never have to worry about what might be festering beneath my furniture again!
I'm with you. Who cares! Yay for blogs!
(But I do care, poor Cookie. Clearly she's recovering nicely, though.)
Is it too early to be worried about running out of things to blog in November? Save some of those very important thoughts!
If you ever get tired of Peanut, please send her to me. She sounds like the ideal pet.
Christ, 6 is just fine for a few minutes in the car. I'm not ashamed to admit that when our oldest was about 6 months old and the wife was out with friends, I popped down the street and picked up a pizza (pre-ordered, of course, but they didn't deliver) while he was sleeping. Took about 4 minutes. Didn't feel bad about it. Still don't.
My parent's left me and my brothers in the car for 30 minutes at a time. I'm pretty sure all of us here have similar childhood memories. And fuck that "well that was the 70s" bullshit. I'm sick of it. The 70s seems safe to us now because a) we were kids back then and were insulated from the "real world" and b) it's in the past and every era seems safe once it's over. I'm pretty our parents were just as freaked out as we are, with one caveat: the relentless media reports about child abductions and other such cases were not as ubiquitous back then. Doesn't matter that child abduction rates have not increased ever, or that violent crime has fallen since the 70s/80s.
Yeah, this is a major pet peeve of mine because elementary school aged kids don't fucking play any more. We would send our oldest outside at age 8 and he'd come back saying there's no one to play with because guess what? There's no one playing outside.
Dah!
Yeah, so I was trying to subtly infer that the 70s had dangers too, like hippies offering children drugs. Which still happens, but now they make the kids BUY the drugs!
So what are the pros/cons of bulldogs? We're thinking about thinking about getting a dog. I like bulldogs. Maybe I should e-mail instead - or you can me!
Where I live it is illegal to leave a 6 year old alone in the car.
He's too young, especially if you are having anxiety attacks. Leave him at home with a babysitter or force him to come with you. I know it is tough. I have two kids. We all know parenting is the hardest job you will ever do even without all the advice and flak you get from other people who may or maynot have kids themselves:)
I don't know if he's too young or what but the stuff about cookie and peanut? I woke my husband up I was laughing so hard. I always read comments where people say "lol!" and I think "really? it wasn't THAT funny" but you really ARE that funny. thanks for a good laugh. and i'm glad jackson's fine.
Is Peanut a Russian tortoise? I must know.
Ah, I remember the days of "hmm, do I dare leave the little monsters in the car for a few minutes, or drag their cranky, whiney, unpleasant carcasses through the store?"
Blogging... I'm at the "fuck this shit" stage again. Damn hard to write a post. Comments are easier.
I'm ready for my Mary Tyler Moore moment, any time. I think. Maybe not. Oh, who the hell knows?
yea for blogs
http://findingstevefossett.blogspot.com
I say Jackson will be just fine in the car - it's the other people you have to worry about. The Mom Police. This is an uptight little town. They carted some woman off to jail for leaving her two kids in the car in the Calle Real parking lot recently. Although I remember she left them for 45 minutes and it was 'quite hot'.
I suppose the SB authorities rule on this is; high class SUV, clearly the child is well taken care of - beaten-up 20 yr old Honda, jail's right this way Ma'am.
Yay for Jackson being in school and you having more free time to blog!
I kept thinking as I read this post that this is exactly why I keep coming back. I am interested in everything you have to say because you do it so well. Yay for blogs indeed.
But why was there a pool noodle under the couch? Why?
I just dealt with a lady in a parking lot over this. My son is 3 and I was parked right in front of Peets Coffee with the windows down and my son strapped into his car seat. I could see him from the cash register where I was ordering one drink, so of course I noticed the woman approach my car. I ran out of the store and maybe yelled a little loudly, "step away from my car lady"
She then proceeded to lecture me about how CA passed Kaitlyn's Law and its illegal for me to leave my child in the car and she was going to call a cop, etc.
I'm familiar with Kaitlyn's Law and it was passed to prevent parents leaving their kids in the car on hot days. Now it was maybe 70 degrees and the windows were down (my car also has built in pull-up sun shades which were up) and I was maybe 100 feet from the car, the woman didn't get within touching distance of my child before I was out the door and inserting myself between them. I understand she was looking out for him but geez.
Was I totally in the wrong? I can't decide...
I desperately need to know...does the turtle poo on your floor? Are you able to just let him roam free? That would be pretty exciting!
I hope you don't get trolls giving you shit about leaving your kid in the car. I leave my kids in the mini-van from time to time, and since I have tinted windows, you can't tell from a distance anyone's in there. Americans are too paranoid.
PS- my rabbit ate a patch of our carpet.
Yes, Peanut is a Russian tortoise, and he is free-range! He leaves little blobs of tortoise poo around (digested greens, basically), and also puddles of tortoise pee, which is why I am always walking around with a rag and a bottle of Nature's Miracle. He seemed really unhappy in the glass tank, though, and it's fun to be doing something and suddenly have a prehistoric creature walk over your foot.
yay for you blogging! if i had my way you'd worry less and write more please...
THANK YOU.
Jen, I don't know what to tell you, you were doing the vigilant thing with your kid and he was fine, if it weren't for the "concerned bystander" you would have gone on your way and forgotten about it. Ali's right about the Mom Police -- the MP's are acting on the assumption that you're a negligent drunk, and that hurts, but if it weren't for them maybe those kids on Calle Real would have died. MP's aren't very forgiving, unfortunately, they don't say "Oh, sorry, you're not a negligent drunk at all! Have a nice day with your adorable and much-loved child!" or, "Natural selection skipped over your child for a reason, you wonderful, non-over-parenting person!" I'm not even sure what that means, I am obviously no George Carlin.
You auctioning off any of your 7.997 ideas?
And if you have 7,997 things to post and a train is traveling in the opposite direction at 100 miles per hour, how much is a ticket to New Haven?
I totally agree with you about leaving the kids in the car. I have to toot my own horn that my kids have been "parented" well enough that they actually know that it would be a bad thing to touch anything in the car - other than the remote control for the DVD player. My kids actually beg to STAY IN THE CAR when I run into the grocery store. The DVD player beats the free cookie club any day.
Fussy and Bossy are why I gave my blog up. I just ain't that good.
My parents left us in the car, a lot, and I remember my brother releasing the brake and the car rolling down a hilly driveway into the street and me(5orso) jumping out of the rolling car to go get my father...shudder.
I have been tempted many times to leave my kids(6,9yo) in the car, but it is against the law in CA, and you can get a ticket.
Would you say that a turtle is a good pet? My kids want something ot love other than our cats.
Yeah, maybe it is the handful of kid deaths/near deaths that have been reported in the Bay Area this summer, but it gets busted here fast. I think six is too young. I'm sure I was left alone at that age - or maybe even with my younger sisters to watch - but even though I was mature and tough, if it came down to it, I couldn't defend myself. I do think the odds of a scary person bothering him are very slim, but I wouldn't take the chance.
Close up shop?! Don't you dare.
Didn't read all the comments, so this may have been said...
I'd check with local laws.
I know some places have strict laws about how old kids need to be to be left in a car alone (or at home alone), even within eye sight. You might get an overzealous counter-worrier going all 911 on you, and that would stink.
What about that cottage cheese stuff they poop out? In your house? Yuck
Wow. I read this quickly at first and thought the dog ate the tortoise, hence the crunching and the puke. I'm SO glad that wasn't the case!
Funny that Lori posted that just before I got to the bottom of the comments because I was seriously wondering how you keep the dog from eating the tortoise?
One the car thing, I will leave my 5 year old by herself for very short spurts. Like when I take the 2 year old into the daycare. Last week she thought she was all that and tried to get out to follow me in - the alarm scared the holy shit out of her. Don't think we'll have that problem again.
I don't know if this will help you out in any way, but...
I live in the small but sort of famous town of Concord, Massachusetts. The best part of living here, surprisingly, may not be the proximity to several historic cemeteries, battlefields, famous dead writers' houses, or even to Walden Pond, but may in fact be the Police Log published every week in the Concord Journal.
This last week's issue gave us, inter alia, the following entry:
"Friday, Sept. 14...At 5:34 p.m., a passing motorist reported children were left in a parked vehicle on Main Street. An officer responded and found the parents just a few feet away taking pictures of a cemetery. The children were not in distress."
Oh, and also there was this:
"Wednesday, Sept. 12...A detail officer reported a large turtle was impeding traffic near Crosby’s Corner at 10:41 a.m. An officer checked the area but the animal was gone on arrival."
I'm not sure why I think reading these could be useful to you, and now that I've stuck them in here I realize they look sort of random, but whatever. That's just how the pool noodle crumbles.
Just to clear up the Kaitlyn's Law thing, here's what it states:
15620. (a) A parent, legal guardian, or other person responsible for a child who is 6 years of age or younger may not leave that child inside a motor vehicle without being subject to the supervision of a person who is 12 years of age or older, under either of the following circumstances:
(1) Where there are conditions that present a significant risk to the child's health or safety.
(2) When the vehicle’s engine is running or the vehicle's keys are in the ignition, or both.
Hooray for legal ambiguity!
Huh. Okay, well! I'll just tell Jackson it's illegal for him to stay in the car, and then when he turns seven we'll have a jolly good time going through all of this again.
Thanks, sac.
Yeah, but the kicker is this:
(1) Where there are conditions that present a significant risk to the child's health or safety.
I take that as don't park next to wrecking balls and you're good.
Eden my dear, that 'picking at puke' story was so gross I now have to pretend that I read in wrong in order to get to sleep tonight.
If you wouldn't mind, could you leave the remaining percentage of pet-refuse-absent-minded-hygiene stories within the 7997 until, ooo, sometime after I'm dead pls k thx.
omg, catching up on your blog in the library, big mistake. LMAO at Peanut scavenging the pool noodle.
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