I Pledget Unto Thee
I'm back! And I spent a portion of last weekend trying to take a nice picture of Peewee's tail. Want to see?
It's adorable, I know. And its health is, for the moment, attributable to tireless applications of Malaseb Pledgets. But guess who quickly found a way to utterly misuse veterinary antiseptic wipes? Me, that's who!
Sunday night Jackson was all, My butt itches! And he bent over and gave me the full goatse, thank you very much, Google it if you can't imagine what I'm talking about from the context. So I said, Hm! I have an idea! And I ran to the kitchen! Because why wouldn't you wipe your kid's ass with the same thing you use on your dog? I don't know. I mean, now I do, but I didn't at the time, I thought Pledgets were the veterinary equivalent of soothing Tucks medicated pads.
You don't know how many mistakes you have left as a parent until you witlessly apply something that you think will be healing to a very tender part of your child's anatomy, only to have said child run away screaming "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!"
Me: "I'm so sorry, Jackson, I would never had touched you with that if I'd known it would hurt you."
Jackson: "THE BURNING!"
Me: "I didn't think it would hurt, Peewee never cries when I clean him with one."
Jackson: "That's because he's a DOG! DOGS CAN'T SPEAK, MOM!"
It's actually kind of important to apologize to your child once in awhile, though I don't go out of my way looking for ways to maim him just so we can have make-up snuggle time. Anyway, it took some persuasion but he finally allowed me to come close enough to spread a little bit of Boudreaux's Butt Cream on the affected area and the burning soon stopped. But it will probably take a few months for his Protective Posterior Suspicion Level to fall back within normal limits.
Here are a few photos from the last few weeks that had been languishing in my camera.
Peanut butter cookies I made at my mom's house before I left. There's nothing I really want from her house when she's gone except those Bake King cookie sheets.
First day of spring break. We had some grand plans to go down to the tar pits and to the Getty, but instead we went to Borders and bowling. It's never too late to start lowering your child's expectations.
We went to the beach once, though.
Last time we went the sand kind of freaked Peewee out.
But he found his groove this time.
Hey, and I finally finished Jack's pirate hat! In Raiders' colors, naturally.
Uh, let's see. Then the sun came out and our neighbors threw a party! You never know what you're going to get when you hand your camera to a six-year-old.
It was a lovely party but I have limited personal strength for prolonged socialization without alcohol, so I went inside for a little restorative nonverbal communication.
This is where Peewee had an epiphany.
Here's where I found Peanut this morning.
Did I tell you that Jack and I went up to the Chumashashtray casino to see Chris Rock a few weeks ago? Jack bought himself this souvenir sweatshirt and he bought me a t-shirt that says, "If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love." I think that sums up our relationship quite nicely.
It's adorable, I know. And its health is, for the moment, attributable to tireless applications of Malaseb Pledgets. But guess who quickly found a way to utterly misuse veterinary antiseptic wipes? Me, that's who!
Sunday night Jackson was all, My butt itches! And he bent over and gave me the full goatse, thank you very much, Google it if you can't imagine what I'm talking about from the context. So I said, Hm! I have an idea! And I ran to the kitchen! Because why wouldn't you wipe your kid's ass with the same thing you use on your dog? I don't know. I mean, now I do, but I didn't at the time, I thought Pledgets were the veterinary equivalent of soothing Tucks medicated pads.
You don't know how many mistakes you have left as a parent until you witlessly apply something that you think will be healing to a very tender part of your child's anatomy, only to have said child run away screaming "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!"
Me: "I'm so sorry, Jackson, I would never had touched you with that if I'd known it would hurt you."
Jackson: "THE BURNING!"
Me: "I didn't think it would hurt, Peewee never cries when I clean him with one."
Jackson: "That's because he's a DOG! DOGS CAN'T SPEAK, MOM!"
It's actually kind of important to apologize to your child once in awhile, though I don't go out of my way looking for ways to maim him just so we can have make-up snuggle time. Anyway, it took some persuasion but he finally allowed me to come close enough to spread a little bit of Boudreaux's Butt Cream on the affected area and the burning soon stopped. But it will probably take a few months for his Protective Posterior Suspicion Level to fall back within normal limits.
Here are a few photos from the last few weeks that had been languishing in my camera.
Peanut butter cookies I made at my mom's house before I left. There's nothing I really want from her house when she's gone except those Bake King cookie sheets.
First day of spring break. We had some grand plans to go down to the tar pits and to the Getty, but instead we went to Borders and bowling. It's never too late to start lowering your child's expectations.
We went to the beach once, though.
Last time we went the sand kind of freaked Peewee out.
But he found his groove this time.
Hey, and I finally finished Jack's pirate hat! In Raiders' colors, naturally.
Uh, let's see. Then the sun came out and our neighbors threw a party! You never know what you're going to get when you hand your camera to a six-year-old.
It was a lovely party but I have limited personal strength for prolonged socialization without alcohol, so I went inside for a little restorative nonverbal communication.
This is where Peewee had an epiphany.
Here's where I found Peanut this morning.
Did I tell you that Jack and I went up to the Chumash
50 Comments:
This post filled me with great joy along pretty much every axis the matrix can meter.
PeeWee is as big as Cookie, already!
...aren't you worried?
Seriously, he is, and he's only six months old! I LOVE IT, I want him to be HUGE! Keep growing, Peewee!
I once gave an adult Benadryl to my sister's shih-tzu because he couldn't stop scratching his skin. That breed gets lots of skin issues. He was up all night and I walked him twice in the middle of the night. I found out later it should never be used on dogs in that dosage. Or ever.
And it didn't stop the itching.
Mrs. Kennedy is a knitter?! Very cool. My husband wants one of those pirate hats but I'm scared of stranded knitting.
And, what is the deal with the kids giving the goatse? My son does it all the time! Is it a boy thing? Do girls spread like that, too?
Okay. I just Googled it, and I hit the link that said something like "run through a marathon of goatse images" and Mrs. Kennedy? You've once again altered my world.
I have one of those Bake King cookie sheets from my grandma! Love it. Is Pee Wee going to be one of those ironic names, like when a huge biker dude is named Tiny? Oooh, and the fact that you told readers who didn't know what goatse is to GOOGLE it confirms that you are indeed, a badass. I found out what that was several years ago and wish I could forget!
Jules
House of Jules
I have to admit that I've skipped most of your post for now so that I can see what people have to say about Googling "goatse." That was very naughty of you!
Love the hat! Your dogs are so cute!
I have never laughed at a photo/caption of a dog so hard as Pee Wee's epiphany. If you made that into a t-shirt I would totally buy it.
Assertagirl
This post made me happy in ways that I can't even begin to describe. Except maybe to my therapist. And then only if we'd both been drinking.
Shoot, with gas at $3.50 a gallon the Getty is like flying to New York. Zodo's it is!
Well, as a vet I would totally use one of my products on my kids, but now I will use the pledgets with some caution.
Love the hat, love the sentence about low tolerance for socializing w/o alcohol. Could have happily lived for decades without that first goatse image that came up.
I cannot believe you told the world to google goatse. That's so evil I almost cried from the joy of it.
The pledgets story had both my husband and me in tears from laughing so hard. Our son is only 8 months old so he can't goatse us yet, but now I know to be prepared.
Awesome, awesome and awesome.
I laughed so hard my couch was squeaking.
If I lived with PeeWee, that tail would be the central preoccupation of my day. Seriously, how do you get anything done? Does it wag when PeeWee is excited?
Oh, Chris Rock. I make that face at least twice a day. He must know my coworkers.
www.karenanderik.com
The Chris Rock image is haunting, nice one to end with. Also, nice sentiment about love.
The goatse thing with kids is something I see more often than I ever imagined. Why do kids just love to show you their asses?
Why?
Ooh! Bake King!!!!! When my grandmother died I inherited a lot of her kitchen things. Not only are the BK cookie sheets fully awesome, but I get to feel a little closer to her every time I use them.
I too, googled goatse. I am absofuckinglutely speechless. I cannot remember anything else I read in this post.
Your dog might just be the cutest thing, next to mine, naturally. I just want to snuggle his sweet puppy face, and only make high-pitched vowel sounds in his ears, is that okay?
Too funny! Next, you can offer up a tampon for a bloody nose in the car. I have TOTS done that, and... um... it works... and, Beanie will likely be scarred forever... Parenthood rocks!
I hate to be the only one who mentions this, but an itchy butthole can sometimes mean pinworm. I say this only because I, too, have had dogs. Dogs who lick their butts and then their masters hands and then their masters put their lollipop-sticky hands in their mouths, thus transferring dog saliva and other...things...into their own mouths.
Pinworm is a pisser. Burns at night, because when the body is at rest, the worms come out and lay eggs. If he keeps complaining about it, pull his pants down at night and have a look. But don't have anything spicy to eat first.
Thanks, Candy, Peewee's test came back negative for pinworm. It just seems to be that little screw tail, trapping the poop and needing to be cleaned every day.
Candy, we went through a "does he have worms" thing with our then 4 year old who constantly itches his anus. Turns out he is just a crappy (nyuck!) wiper! Ahhhh, kids.
Oh god. After a pic of Peewee's behind and half a page of details on Jackson's displayed anatomical discomfort, you really ought to know better than to start the next para (at the "fold") with "Here are a few photos". What sane person would scroll down after that intro?
I'm sure I'm not the only one who was relieved that there were only cookies there. Uh, bake-in-the-oven type cookies, just to be exceedingly explicit.
Don't worry, Jackson will get over it. When I was ten my mother accidentally put the dog's nose drops in my eye instead of my conjunctivitis medicine and she didn't even believe me when I started screaming. So even though she's probably the reason my right eye is vastly inferior to my left, I still love her. So, moral of the story: in years to come Jackson will not use this story as leverage to hate you, but to mock you lovingly, as I do to my mother.
That is the best hat I've seen ever. Makes me wish that I a) knitted and b) liked wearing caps. I googled it and the wikipedia entry (sans photos) is enough for me to know I don't want to explore that any further.
Your doggies are so sweet! Nice hat!
Your son's poor bottom just filled my night/early morning with laughter.
So, does Peanut just cruise around your house willy-nilly? Does he poop on stuff? I want a surprise turle in my bathroom!
This post has been removed by the author.
What is it about the young men and itching butt? I thought I wouldn't need Tucks until I was menopausal, but turns out, the nearly-5-year old requests their application with some frequency. (Also, does Jackson wipe himself all the time? Please tell me that by his age, I won't get the, "Moooom, I need you to wipe my butt!" call every evening.)
Cullentine
My mom was a vet tech. Someone who should have KNOWN that medical products designed for animals OUGHT NOT to be used on humans.
But that didn't stop her.
I still remember (and am laughing just thinking about it) when my dad cut his lip shaving and my mom said innocently, "I've got something that will stop the bleeding." He bought it (the fool) and spent a solid half-hour screaming like a banshee because of the pain.
Oh god. I need to change my pants.
Am I the only one to notice Pee Wee's excitement in the first photo? He looks a bit guilty too, just like the teenage boy he is!
I have to say that post made me laugh like a mad woman. Well, scream first as I'd never heard of (or more importantly seen) 'The' goatse. Just love the nonchalance 'yeah, just google goatse'...god, it just looks so, well, sore! I pissed myself laughing but unfortunately my minds eye will always conjure up the image in minute detail the instant I think of it..till the day I die.
Also, I thought I was the only one who did a 'Dr Who' at neighbours parties. Without fail I always have to disappear back home for a bit. I just loved that you did that..and took photos of your dogs!
Hey I came over from the Wall Street Journal...I like you...When someone says "mommy blog" I almost have to muster some desire to even check it out...I just can't stand reading about people's kids all of the time or their best parenting tip or the best "product" out there....Your blog is NOT that, and I am delighted for the first time after going down the list.
I am going to add you to my reader, so I can keep coming back.
PeeWee is so adorable I just want to pick him up through the screen! Looks like Alice just beat me to the next thing I wanted to say...Congrats on the Wall Street Journal plug, dear Eden. Truly awesome, you are. :)
*grabs one of those yummy looking cookies as I go out the virtual door* TTFN!
Is it sad that I recognized the bookstore you were in by that small view of the magazine shelving?? It's official. I spent too much time working for that company. :)
The hubs? Covets your dogs! Me? I can't wait until Jackson is about 12 and his friends find this post. "Dude! Your mom put WHAT on your butt?" o.O LOL!
Laughing so hard my stomach hurts. But what I need to know: how did you learn the meaning of "goatse"?
The tears! They won't stop! Along with the laughter at your poor son's expense.
Gosh! While I'd seen the original Goatse before, that Goatse Marathon is quite an eye opener!
(I'll get my coat...)
i just threw up a little. goatse. oh god. MY EYES!
I covet your bathroom.
oh my god, I just laughed until I cried over the Pledgets story... and then I tried to read it out loud to my husband (who asked why I was laughing), and it was nearly impossible to get it out without inducing an asthma attack. I love a good laugh (and I don't mind a laughter-induced asthma attack), so thanks for that. :-)
Great shots! You dogs are just too cute.
Found you via the WSJ online. Nice blog!
Okay, so "Suspicious Pecker" is quite possibly one of the more hilarious pictures I've ever seen.
And then the Pledgets story... still wiping away the tears.
Oh, man.
But you are NOT getting me to google goatse. Not again.
YOU knit that hat? Last I read you were a struggling knitter. Puleeze..
Gorgeous hat. As a knitter admired it immediately!
And uhmm. You lost me. What is a party without alcohol??
that story about using animal products on humans cracked me up. don't we test human products on animals? of course we do...unless there is a specific label that says no animal testing done, but even then i don't really believe that. i wonder a tucks wipe would feel to poor little peewee. you should try it and see.
Post a Comment
<< Home