The Usual Half-assed Animal Husbandry
So NATURALLY Cookie went into another heat cycle, because apparently I don't own a calendar, or any anticipatory consciousness whatsoever. Well, that's not true. Last month I'd gotten her in for a heart scan to make sure she'd be okay going under anaesthesia -- most vets worry about putting bulldogs under due to their mashed-up snouts and, in Cookie's particular case, a little click her heart was making that no one could figure out. And they still can't, but it wasn't something that would prevent her from being spayed, for which an appointment was helpfully scheduled, by me, to coincide with yet another biannual bleed.
Now, I wasn't all that worried about Cookie getting knocked up accidentally because Peewee's only, what, seven months old? Yeah, well, it turns out I have a Googling deficiency as well because seven dog months isn't the same as seven people months. Seven-month-old human boys have barely discovered their own ball sacks, whereas seven-month-old puppies have fully-matured sperm that would really like to meet any available fertile eggs you might be willing to introduce them to.
Except that Peewee, comically, doesn't have a fucking clue how to get 'em up in there.
I was loading the dishwasher this morning when behind me I heard an ominous thump! thump! thump! thunp! and I turned around and found Peewee trying to hump Cookie's head while it banged into the refrigerator. If he's not trying to hump Cookie's face -- hell, half the time we find her trying to hump him -- he's got his face buried in her coochie while she stands there quivering. If it goes on too long she just flops down and goes to sleep.
"Hey, she's just like you," says Jack. Ha ha.
Anyway, now Peewee's taking Cookie's neutering appointment, and by this time tomorrow his fuzzy little balls will be floating in a keepsake Mason jar on my desk. Oh, I thought about getting him some prosthetic balls, but they'd be for me, not for him, he's too stubby to get his nose down there for a peek, much less a lick.
So farewell, Peewee's balls! Although the vet says you'll still have sperm for up to another month and we need to keep you and Cookie separated, just say the word and I will carefully duct tape a bag of frozen peas to your affected area until the swelling goes down.
Now, I wasn't all that worried about Cookie getting knocked up accidentally because Peewee's only, what, seven months old? Yeah, well, it turns out I have a Googling deficiency as well because seven dog months isn't the same as seven people months. Seven-month-old human boys have barely discovered their own ball sacks, whereas seven-month-old puppies have fully-matured sperm that would really like to meet any available fertile eggs you might be willing to introduce them to.
Except that Peewee, comically, doesn't have a fucking clue how to get 'em up in there.
I was loading the dishwasher this morning when behind me I heard an ominous thump! thump! thump! thunp! and I turned around and found Peewee trying to hump Cookie's head while it banged into the refrigerator. If he's not trying to hump Cookie's face -- hell, half the time we find her trying to hump him -- he's got his face buried in her coochie while she stands there quivering. If it goes on too long she just flops down and goes to sleep.
"Hey, she's just like you," says Jack. Ha ha.
Anyway, now Peewee's taking Cookie's neutering appointment, and by this time tomorrow his fuzzy little balls will be floating in a keepsake Mason jar on my desk. Oh, I thought about getting him some prosthetic balls, but they'd be for me, not for him, he's too stubby to get his nose down there for a peek, much less a lick.
So farewell, Peewee's balls! Although the vet says you'll still have sperm for up to another month and we need to keep you and Cookie separated, just say the word and I will carefully duct tape a bag of frozen peas to your affected area until the swelling goes down.
41 Comments:
Poor Peewee! Oh well, couldn't have bulldog puppies ambling around and peeing all over the place, that would do your plastic carpet no good.
i cannot believe you posted a picture of your dog's balls on the internet. why this shocks me, i'll never know.
As a vasectomy survivor, I'd say the peas are a must. And a water dish full of margaritas.
Dog balls. Good lord Eden, thank you so damn much for a good giggle! You rock.
That is too funny! I hope he doesn't try to milk his operation like my husband did!
I thought your were trying to show us how PW's butt looks like a face. Especially this one: http://www.fantom-xp.com/wp_36__Pans_Labyrinth_-_Doug_Jones.html
But oh. Hello nuts.
oh my. i laughed. i cried. i laughed some more. and now i am going to go lay in my bed and try to fall asleep. i'm sure the giggling i am unable to stop will shake the bed, and then i will try to explain that i was laughing at dog balls on someone's blog. really. tell me how to explain that!
and the shaking bed will wake my husband up...figured i should throw that in!
Is there such as thing as doggie Percocet?
"Hey, she's just like you," says Jack. Ha ha.
snorfing chuckle. i has it.
Thanks for the laugh!
Seriously. Where else on the internet could we come to find such a well-composed shot of a bulldog's nut sack?
Is there a word for what you did? Like Rickrolling, but with dog balls? Because, dude.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this post yet....I know I've not laughed so hard in quite a while. I was hoping as I scrolled down the picture that it would not be the backside of an animal. Surprise.
Prosthetic dog balls?!? Gimme a break! And did you get a load of Bruno and Eddie? I find it disturbingly entertaining to wonder who gets more satisfaction from 'Bruno's natural look'......
oh death, where is thy sting. And mom, where are my balls?
You are crazy and I love you for it.
Well, on the bright side, they are rather small.... Maybe he won't notice...?
BA HA HA HA HA!
You crack me up!
Yay for hot dog sex!
Hey at least someone with four legs is getting snipped. Jack had to be getting nervous.
So, which one was trying to date me yesterday? Although, I think that they were starting to try and tag-team me, no?
I bet had I not been in a hurry, they would've tried to bang my head against a fridge...if there were a fridge out there by the lemon tree.
He'll be fine - by the next day boys act like nothing happened. The vet says they'll be tired for a few dies, LIARS. They are tired that night and the next morning they are racing around to make up for all that down time.
Good luck!
I don't think you really have to worry much. Due to the bulldogs anatomy, it's very very difficult for them to breed naturally. They generally have to be artificially inseminated.
I just blew coke out of my nose.
Ooooh, Neuticles. I suddenly have an urge to send Christmas gifts to all my ex-boyfriends
IF YOU LOOK AT THE PHOTO SIDEWAYS, AND SQUNT REALLY, REALLY TIGHTLY, YOU CAN SEE A GRIZZLY BEAR ON HIS BUTT! OR IS IT..........GASP.......OMG.......IT'S JESUS!
QUICK, SELL HIS BUTT ON EBAY!
Poor Peewee will now be even peewee-er.
I assume that you'll have to help him in providing a "sample," just to be sure there are no stragglers in the soup? Good luck with that. Oh, and post pictures please.
“Here’s Jack, jacking off Peewee.”
Hey, nice knit cap Jack; perfect for masturbating bulldogs on a brisk fall mornings.
I read that in the J. Peterman Catalog.
At least he figured out how to hump. Our three year old male dog still doesn't cock his leg to take a piss, never even mind him gettin a little lovin'. He squats. Like a little school girl. Yes, we are embarassed of him.
That is unless our other dog is squatting to pee at the same time, of course. At which time he is a cocking-the-leg-to-pee pro. He does so and pees all over her back. Niiiiiiccceeee.
Our dog's balls were so large and so red, they really were his defining feature, pre-neutering. I felt a little sad taking him in for the operation, like maybe I wouldn't recognize him after.
It's just a good thing we resisted temptation, and didn't name him Rudolph. We didn't need to keep explaining *that* for the next 14 years or so.
Nothing like a pic of bulldog balls to wake you up!
Our female did not really bond with the male foster until he was neutered. When he came home from the snip they became best friends and really, he didn't seem to mind the change at all.
Hehe. Balls.
those little swirls are so cute...
God that made me laugh, spluttering tea everywhere. Especially the visual of a canine 69.
Those little swirls of fur are like tiny cinnamon buns stuck to his bum. I'm dying.
A mason jar? Are you going to pickle them and do a hot water sealing bath?
I wanted my gallstones last year when they removed my gallbladder. And they wouldn't give them to me.
Uch, dog balls. I hate them so much I have a post planned this week, dedicated just to them.
When I first saw the picture I thought the entry would be about the cowlicks on his buns.
this just turns my stomach, my scrot skrinks up just thinking of the scalpal...worse than cold swimming on the tool.
it's so cruel of you liberal people out on the left coast, saying you own the life of a male dog with your pagan medical prowness, don't they have rights to who they copulate with?
i say nueter the bitches only... let the men have their balls hang low....your dog looks like a chick now!
castrate felons before dogs i say!
dogs are our best friends
Well if you'd quit projecting your human feelings on animals and step outside of your patriarchal mindset, you'd see it's safer and easier to neuter males than females and if only one sex is going to bear the brunt of being unable to reproduce it should obviously be the males.
And what's wrong with looking like a "chick"? Like the dogs give a damn what they look like anyway.
OH I feel your pain. My chihuahua went into heat the week before her appointment to be spayed was scheduled. We had a male German Shepard and watching a chihuahua trying to hump a German Shepard's head, or watching the German Shepard try and get down low enough to hump the chihuahua was almost as funny as it was disturbing.
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