Dear Over-muscled Twentysomething Who Tried to Chat Me Up in the Bulk Oatmeal Section at Tri-County Produce

On May 13, 2008 by Eden M. Kennedy

Seriously, standing behind me and humming a little tune like that is how my six-year-old tries to get my attention and it doesn’t work for him either. Snapping your head around to check out my ass is a chump move, too. This will definitely be the last time I go shopping wearing sweaty yoga clothes, the power of my endorphins clearly attracts the wrong sort of chimpanzee. It was sort of hilarious that at the split second I turned my back on you to flee toward the fresh fruit you called after me, “Does anybody actually eat this stuff?” Oh, sonny, let me learn you something. If you’re looking for recipes then yes, chat up someone old enough to be your mother. If you’re looking to hook up, the ignorant, helpless routine is only going to attract people who want to mother you. It’s a lose-lose.

It’s that goddamned cougar thing, isn’t it? Lard help us all.

  • An all-expenses paid vacation to Hell.
  • A kick in the nuts from Demi Moore.
  • A Golden Girls DVD boxed set.
  • A call from his mom to straighten this out.

Evolve, buddy.

Yours in low cholesterol,

Mrs. Kennedy



34 Responses to “Dear Over-muscled Twentysomething Who Tried to Chat Me Up in the Bulk Oatmeal Section at Tri-County Produce”

  • Rarrr.

    Maybe you’re just hot? It could be that.

    P.S. I can live a complete life without ever hearing the term “cougar” again.

  • OMG. A couple of years ago a MUCH younger guy hit on me in the shoe department at TJ Maxx. It was more confusing than anything. They do not sell men’s shoes there, so at first I assumed he was a cross-dresser, and thought to myself that there was no way he was a size 8. When I finally realized he was actually hitting on me (right about the time he asked if I was married — I AM SLOW) and put a swift end to it, he went away. And then I checked my purse to make sure my wallet was still there (it was). Rowr!

  • If I claim to have coined the phrase, will someone send me that Golden Girls box set?

  • Wasn’t me!
    /not twentysomething anyway, alas

  • Oooh! Oooh! My answer’s winning! I’M WINNING!

  • I voted for that 2nd one, the “kick in the nuts from Demi Moore” choice, but I was hoping that after Demi is finished that I could get an opportunity to kick him in the nuts, too.
    House of Jules

  • I once had a guy hit on me in the cereal aisle. If there is anyplace I don’t want to be hit on, it’s the place where I’m deducting how much fiber I’ll be comsuming.

  • And I’m single and in my twenties and yet I’ve never been hit on in a grocery store. Truly, life is not fair.

  • Sometimes dumb and muscle-y does it for me, but then there’s my husband to consider.

  • Seriously. The only time I get attention from 20-somethings in the market is when they’re bagging my groceries.

    Rowr. -cough-

  • Was he all, “My cucumber’s bigger” and “Vegetables can be really sensuous, don’t you think?” and then you had to correct his grammar?

  • You weren’t flattered that he noticed you? His form was indeed bad. I voted for the last choice. He needs a talking to from his momma. Interesting that he was attracted to an articulate, funny, health conscious writer, who loves animals and cares enough about the environment to buy in bulk and has low cholesterol.

  • Well, I think the term cougar cheapens and belittles the theory behind it. And I’m familiar with the theory behind it because I’m in my late 30s and haven’t had a boyfriend for years. I would’ve taken that kid home and worn him out. He’d think twice before hitting on anyone again in the bulk oatmeal section.

  • John, I would no more be flattered by that than if a dog sniffed my leg.

    However, yes, the younger man/older woman thing is nothing to complain about. It’s about time, as a matter of fact.

  • I think they’re adorable! And while the humming would probably be a deal breaker, at least he got you in the bulk oatmeal and not, say, feminine supplies.

  • Guys always hit on me more when I’m dirty and sweaty – digging in the garden or at the pharmacy while recovering from flu. They like us messy like them, maybe?

  • I read? heard? somewhere last year that to look sexy is to look as though you’ve just had sex, not as though you want it.


    I never heard the term “cougar” until I was 30 and met my long-lost Canadian family for the first time. It was the first thing they all said when they saw me! Not really. But it pops into my head every time I have to go out and try to look nice. I hate it. I hate it more with every passing year.

  • Um….ok embarrassing question perhaps but what does this mean “cougar”?

    apart from the animal of course.

    Or is it better I live in blissful ignorance?

  • Geek Tip:

    If you use the Firefox you can type directly in the URL bar: slang [word you want to define]

    Example: slang cougar

    This will take you directly to Urban Dictionary dot com and it will look-up the word and show you the definition.

  • E – all of the above.

  • We are not old, younger people just grow older and try to push us along so they can have the parking spot!

  • I just posted yesterday about this on my blog. Of course, it wasn’t about me b/c nobody, I mean nobody makes the moves on me anymore. It makes me sad but it is true. I think I’m just exhausted from my husband’s illness and it shows on my face or maybe my saggy ass. I did, however, post about my BFF (I feel so young saying that but I love saying it) encounter with onion boy and her thoughtful zucchini reposnse.

    My last thought is it better to chat you up than feel you up? Sometimes I wonder, of course it will never happens to me.

  • Dang!

    This deserves a triple-snap-in-the-Z-formation at the end!

    Someone say amen…

  • sorry, I thought you were much younger and a whole lot more down to earth, no harm in trying to be friendly with new people, is there?

  • Yea, it’s flattering. Although maybe he wanted you to be his stand-in mommy? And not in a kinky way? Like, maybe he really did need dietary advice and thought you’d be good to supply that?

    Or, probably he was just hoping for that cougar thing.

  • I hardly ever get hit on anymore. I think I might be jealous.

  • Hmmm… if I can’t remain a MILF, maybe cougarhood is still within my grasp?

  • You are actually kind of lucky. I usually get approached by store staff asking if I lost my mommy.

    I am kinda short and petite. Okay, very short and petite.. but so not the point!

  • I think the cougar coiner has a special place in hell next to the hackneyed MILF lover.

    Seriously! Just because a 24-yr old hottie has a kid doesn’t make her a MILF. Get over yourself.

    Out with some friends on Saturday, decided we’re going to call the older women on the prowl (and there were some, oh yes, they got the memo) Mellencamps.

  • wait, is demi moore a cougar?! what, exactly, is the difference between a milf and a cougar, then? oh, how i wish there were a punchline to follow that.

  • I’m all for the cougar thing, I just want to know where the hell they were oh, like a couple years ago when I was more age appropriate bait.

  • please refrain from using the term milf, i’m in web rehab…the word just sends me into spirally moods of ‘would I’ every time i shop the grocery store (has anybody been to

  • Shoot. The last time I was hit on in the bulk foods section it was an over-muscled twentysomething girl. I don’t think that makes me a cougar.