Last night was book club, which I’m making more of an effort to attend. So that people don’t greet me at the door by fainting with shock at my sudden appearance. Well, the Dick Cheney costume doesn’t help, I guess.
We were all supposed to read Dry by Augusten Burroughs. “Oh, I have that book already!” I said when it was chosen last month. Then yesterday morning I went to the shelf and found that the Augusten Burroughs book I hadn’t been reading for book club was not actually Dry but Magical Thinking.
“Whoops!” I told everyone in a mass book club e-mail. “I read the wrong book!” I don’t know why I said I’d read it, I guess because I never read the book club book. I just go and eat chips and drink wine and talk about lesbian porn. I mean real estate.
But then last night one woman sat down by me and said, “Oh, you read Magical Thinking, is that the one where he writes about advertising?”
I had no idea. (I hadn’t read it.) I hadn’t read anything this month! I read my son’s lunch schedule and wrote a check so I wouldn’t have to make him peanut butter sandwiches into 2009.
In the meantime, she was waiting for me to answer. “Okay, you got me,” I said. “I didn’t read the wrong book, or any book at all. I don’t know why I said I did! Aren’t I funny, with the lying! and now I’m going to eat this asparagus spear dipped in peanut sauce and you’re going to look at me in confusion for a moment and then get up and avoid me for the rest of the night.”
Then I drank a lot of $10 pink sparkling wine to dull the pain of my futile existence. I woke up at 2:30 a.m. with a throbbing headache, which I got rid of by yogically focusing on relaxing my brain.
I still don’t know why I did it!
Don’t we all do this sometimes? Or I am just a pathological liar and I don’t realize it? Take heart, I mean you did tell her the truth. I most likely would have told her that yes, it was indeed about advertising and then asked that she never eat at McDonald’s again.
That’s hilarious. I’ve done it before, most def. In fact, I begged out of my one and only book club meeting (a book club that I was kinda responsible for starting) by saying I didn’t feel up to it. I guess some people didn’t get the message it was cancelled, 3 people that didn’t even know each other showed up, realized they’d all been stood up, and went ahead without the rest of us. Um…sorry?
Oh yes. I had this recently when someone mentioned ‘Dogstar’ (apparently something musical), and I was all “oh yeah, Dogstar, of COURSE I know who they are” and the other person said “So you know who the lead singer is?”
(er, NO?) and I looked like a compulsive lying idiot.
Keanu Reeves apparently.
So yes, you are not alone in the lying OR the being found out. Take comfort.
Yeah, we’ve all had things pop out of our mouths that didn’t make any sense or simply weren’t true, and we didn’t even intend to lie. I wonder if they’ve done studies on it.
I do the same thing when I didn’t hear someone clearly, but instead of asking them to repeat themselves, I just pretend I understood until I realize that they asked a question…
I don’t believe a word in this post.
Both Dry and Magical Thinking are awesome. Totally worth reading…whether you own up to it or not.
Well, clearly you did it so you wouldn’t look like a schmuck. Worked out real well for you, eh?
You can join my stick-your-foot-in-your-mouth club instead of that book thing. But, you’ll have to get used to drinking even cheaper wine.
What, we’re supposed to have REASONS for lying? The hell you say.
Apparently I have more to say. BEHOLD:
This one time, we were talking about Ayn Rand, and I told my brother-in-law that I’d read Atlas Shrugged, and then he unfortunately wanted to talk about the plot, so I had to admit I hadn’t actually read it after all. It just seemed like I SHOULD have read it. It’s practically the same thing. If you really meant to read it, it’s almost like YOU DID.
In 1990 I applied to Cambridge University to do a B Mus, and the interviewing professor asked what I thought of authentic music. No one had taught me about authentic music and I had no idea what he meant by it. “It’s all right, I suppose,” I said, and I still remember the expression on his face as he realised he was pitting his wits against a totally clueless twat. “Have you seen any good lesbian porn this year?” I asked. I didn’t get in.
I lied for about an hour about having kids during a mani-pedi a few years ago. I made up names and ages and everything. I commend you for admitting it. I would have come up with another lie, like “No, I actually read Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman. It was fucking awful.” Even though I haven’t read that either, but I saw the movie and it was terrible.
I just lied. I have read Practical Magic.
Fuck.
Well, you read the title of the book. That counts for SOMETHING, right?
Jules
House of Jules
Well, I would have said, “I don’t know”. Because I’ve read all of Burroughs’ books, but it’s been more than a week since I’ve read them, so I don’t remember!
You cave too easily!
Just by the price tag alone, your book group wine is better than Bossy’s book group wine. And then Bossy’s book group decided maybe they wouldn’t have wine or offer snacks anymore because it was too much pressure and isn’t it just about the books? Right, so Bossy quit that Quaker book group.
Bossy thinks she and Fussy would do quite a bit of giggling in the back row of Book Group.
I prefer drinking alcohol book clubs where no one actually reads the book but loves to drink.
my mom and her friends lied for years and said they were playing bunco when they were actually just eating and gossiping. maybe book club should just do the same thing.
I know why you did it. Because you’re a lying liar. Just face it and move on, liar liar pants on fire.
wow that little white lie about reading the wrong book really came back to bite you- dumb luck. I probably would’ve done the same thing.
Did she, in fact, get up and avoid you for the rest of the night? Or did she think you were kind of awesome for admitting it and not making stuff up about a book that she obviously hadn’t read?
My wine drinkin’, good food eatin’, book lovin, book club has only one rule. If you don’t read the book, you have to bring either wine or chocolate. So we are basically saying “Join us for wine and chocolate”. Srsly tho, we have read some great books, even had the whole group break into two after an amazing, impassioned discussion of “The Winter of our Discontent”
I agree with Sue…”if you really meant to reat it, then it’s almost like you did”…that’s how I feel about going to church. I really hope that “road to hell” thing isn’t true…
PS This is my first time here and I really like it! I’ll stop by again.
READ??? I forgot how to do that. I tried last night and fell asleep.
I do this. Unfortunately. And the really bad part is that sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I do it because I’m afraid of people’s disapproval. And the really weird thing is, a lot of time I don’t really even care about winning their approval. I know. It makes no sense. It’s almost reflexive, like watching your foot bob when that little rubber hammer hits your knee.
I totally understand.
And hey, good for you for admitting it on your blog with your sarcastic sense of humor – which I love!
I truly think eating the asparagus must’ve been much worse than lying about reading the wrong book.
p.s. Next time, stick with talking about lesbian porn. I mean real estate.
Ha! I think we’ve all done that. Sometimes someone will ask me, “You know about blah, blah, blah – right?” and I just want OUT of the conversation so I answer Yes. When in fact … um NO – and who cares? However, after I say YES I’ve learned – the smart thing is to RUN so they can’t ask follow up questions.
Sometimes it’s just better to leave people the impression that you are more responsible than you are, to keep up the status quo; sort of like all those British WWII POW officers who religiously brushed their teeth and kept up hygiene for their fellow soldiers no matter how bad things got. For morale, you know?. BUT. Kinda gotta pick the book category close to the heart….
Frankly knowing I can’t do that, I now know I’ve been missing out on a lot of free wine and asparagus. Dang.
A friend and I have formed a book club, and our first meeting is next weekend. Thanks to you, I now have an idea for The Perfect Way to loosen everyone up. Lesbian Porn. (We might even skip that book jazz altogether.) As always, thank you.
Thanks for this. I have book club tonight, and after proudly telling everyone that I read Water for Elephants MONTHS ago, and LOVED it, I realized today that I’ve got very little idea what it’s about. The memory, it fades. I’ll try to own up to that. Or not.
I want to join YOUR book club, with the lying and the lesbian porn and the pink wine. My book club is BOR-o.
It’s funny, something like that happened to me the other day, one of those embarrassing moments: to make you feel better http://toddandkristiecarlson.blogspot.com/2008/11/im-wierd-yes-dad-wierd-is-word.html
good for you for fessing up so quickly instead of digging yourself in deeper.
My whole fucking profession is about pretending to have read books. English profs. get paid to do it.
But I primed myself early when I was not allowed to watch TV, and sat in the back of the bus burbling on and on about episodes of Starsky and Hutch that I just made up, so I could be one of the cool kids. I didn’t know much about the show beyond those two names, but nobody ever challenged me.
I also do that thing where I claim to have said the witty thing I only thought of later and wish I had said.
I once said I was an expert in self defence because I’d read a chapter in a book. That was OK though as luckily I’ve never had to prove it.