Well, let’s see, when was Thanksgiving? How long have I been drinking in the new year? Jack’s week-long birthday celebration capped off two months of overindulgence and there I was at two o’clock this morning laying in bed with an irregular heartbeat. Six hours later an EKG clocked my heart rate at 144 and the staff at the walk-in clinic confirmed a bout of atrial fibrillation. I now have a date with a cardiologist and a prescription for beta blockers and baby aspirin because of the increased risk of blood clots which can lead to stroke.
STROKE.
Yes, I am a little panicked right now, thanks for asking. Why don’t we change the subject for a bit and see if that helps?
Monday Jack took me to Sly’s for lunch, which was nice.
OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO DIE.
He said something funny at one point, what was it. Oh, he said on his birthday he was going to go for a long bike ride with a $500 Carl Yastrzemski baseball card clipped to his spokes with a clothespin. Is that funny? I thought it was funny. (Because Jack’s a Yankees fan, and Yastrzemski played for the Red Sox. So, good, now we’re all up to speed.)
I CAN’T DIE YET, JACKSON NEEDS ME. ALSO, I NEED A CHANCE TO BURN MY DIARY.
This black Mustang has been parked in front of our house — condo, whatever — for more than six weeks now. It has Texas plates on it and it’s becoming more and more difficult to resist the urge to start vandalizing it. Jack’s first suggestion was to let all the air out of the tires. My impulses run more toward writing on the windows with soap. I don’t know whether the owner flew off to Hawaii and is treating our street like long-term parking, or if he’s trapped in a Mexican jail, or maybe he had A STROKE AND HE’S IN A PERSISTENT, VEGETATIVE STATE oh my god, why are people in irreversible comas called vegetables? I don’t want to be a vegetable, oh, I’m dizzy, is it the blood clot in my brain or the panic? Where’s my Rescue Remedy, oh, help.
You know how people sometimes use the word “gay” to describe something that’s ultra fruity in a way they don’t like? “Fruity” meaning earnestly goofy or superfluous (WHY AREN’T PEOPLE IN COMAS CALLED FRUITS? WOULD EVERYONE THINK THEY WERE ALSO GAY?). Personally, I think “fruity” is sort of a compliment. But “Dude, that is so gay” means Please stop using your cravat as a headband, your masculinity and your I.Q. are now under suspicion.
The solution to the defamatory nature of “gay” was suggested by M. Doughty on his blog a while back. Because you need a word with a slightly sarcastic edge that isn’t associated with a class or group of people who don’t need any more of your shit. The gays, they don’t need that, and let’s not even go into what the retards think of you and your poorly timed insults. So as Mr. Doughty suggests, what the world may need is JOLLY. No, it’s not perfect, but try it and see how it works for you. Well, Phil, that pumpkin hat you’re wearing is certainly well crafted, but now that Halloween’s over it looks a little . . . jolly. Phil’s kind of trying too hard, right? Inappropriately exuberant? But still sort of pleasant. “Jolly” doesn’t kick the legs out from under your macho status like “gay” does. I know we’re far from living in a post-macho world, but the least we can do is let language evolve, even if some of us can’t.
I need to go lie down. Check on me in an hour, would you?
Let’s just hope it was a bit too much sugar.
*HUG*
Actually, beta blockers are pretty calming.
You also need a nice hot cup of tea with a spoonful of sugar in it. It’s like a liquid hug, especially if you drink it our of your favourite mug that no one else is allowed to use.
Take care of you.
Jackson needs you and I need you, too. Fussy is my homepage and you are the greatest writer. (You and John Steinbeck.) Live, damn you, live…
Just think of atrial fibrillation as the modern version of “the vapors.” In which case, I suggest you grab yourself a chaise…I mean fainting chair…and relax. And get yourself a husband hug stat.
Ack! Sending soothing, calming, nice regular pulse vibes your way.
Here’s sending you good thoughts. Carbs, sugar and caffeine can get to you. Have them check your thyroid levels and your blood sugar. Good luck and don’t stress. Stress is bad. As Arnold Schwarzenegger sez “It’s not a tumor”.
I am ready to embrace JOLLY.
I once talked myself into thinking I was having some sort of heart problem. Turns out nothing wrong with my heart- just stress chest pains, which I made worse by stressing about it.
Find your favorite book, wrap yourself in your favorite blanket and take an afternoon off.
Whoa, isn’t jolly a euphemism for masturbation? Well then. I’m pretty sure you’ll be okay!
Better to catch these things now so preventive care can be taken. If I were a betting woman I’d say you’ll be around for many, many decades amusing us all.
And now, I’m off to the track.
ps: I survived a blood clot that traveled to my lung, and while it was no picnic during and for about six months after (why, hello embolism stocking! You go so nicely with my summer shorts!) I’m still here. Which, quite honestly, is a nice place to be. Also, the baby girl I’d just had turns out to be a really stinkin’ funny five year old. I intend to write the whole ordeal down someday but for now I thought the short version might be somewhat comforting to hear/read.
I had some weird heart-racing problems about a year or so ago. My then-doctor suggested two things, neither of which included a cardiologist or medical intervention of any kind. First was to try sticking my face into a bowl of ice, the other was to stick my finger in my throat. And no, really, I am not even kidding. Something about nerves and heart rate and pulse being connected made this a plausible and “medically sound” treatment.
That car is probably stolen. You should report it to the police. Just a thought. Thieves do that — they park where there are lots of other cars coming and going all the time (e.g. condos and apartment buildings)and everyone just thinks it belongs to someone else. Happened to our car, sadly. When we finally recovered it, it had a nasty note on it saying, “Nice Parking Job, Dickwad”. Talk about adding insult to injru.
(Hug)
DEAD PERSON:
I’m not dead!
CART MASTER:
‘Ere. He says he’s not dead!
CUSTOMER:
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:
I’m not!
CART MASTER:
He isn’t?
CUSTOMER:
Well, he will be soon. He’s very ill.
DEAD PERSON:
I’m getting better!
CUSTOMER:
No, you’re not. You’ll be stone dead in a moment.
CART MASTER:
Oh, I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.
DEAD PERSON:
I don’t want to go on the cart!
CUSTOMER:
Oh, don’t be such a baby.
CART MASTER:
I can’t take him.
DEAD PERSON:
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:
Well, do us a favour.
CART MASTER:
I can’t.
CUSTOMER:
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.
CART MASTER:
No, I’ve got to go to the Robinsons’. They’ve lost nine today.
CUSTOMER:
Well, when’s your next round?
CART MASTER:
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:
I think I’ll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:
You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn’t there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON: [singing]
I feel happy. I feel happy.
[whop]
Holy shit. Well, um, baby aspirin are tasty.
…
Damn, am I good at comforting people or what? Take care of you.
They’re called vegetables because it’s a beef industry conspiracy. If they were called ‘bacons’ then OMG everyone would be out there trying to become brain dead already by stealing their mom’s beta blockers and downing them with bourbon.
(which, incidentally, does nothing)
Hey! I had atrial fibrillation several years ago! While I was PREGNANT! So that was lots of fun and stuff. I’m still waiting to find out my daughter glows in the dark from all the meds they gave me, but she’s okay and I’m okay (and no longer on meds)(well, not THOSE meds) and you’ll be okay too, because that’s how these things work in my world.
Also, that’s not my Mustang. So go ahead and vandalize it, I guess is what I’m saying.
Thanks, you guys, these comments are really useful and they’ve have made me feel a lot better.
Uncouth heathen, are you supposed to stick your finger DOWN your throat or just poke at it from the outside?
Tracy, I think you’re right and I really wanted to call the cops but we’re letting the condo association handle it.
Ginger, I know what I’m moving to the top of my Netflix queue.
Brandon, you always come through with the truly helpful information.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this! *cyber hugs to you* or whatever the kids are callin’ it these days.
Good health to you, and a nice, regular pulse, too.
Someone mentioned “jolly” in another context with which I’m unfamiliar, but I have heard it used to describe an overweight individual.
Fussy, just a thought & perhaps something to check into, but the crazy heartbeat thing happened to my sis and it turned out it was her thyroid that was completely out of wack. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT stroke out on us!
I’m trying to get my kids to quit saying “that’s so gay”.
I have suggested that saying “that’s so brown haired girl” would make the same amount of sense. But jolly could also work.
Good luck with the medical issues. I am confident that you will not die. Because that would be so f***ing gay.
Utterly by coincidence I had my annual today and my doctor informed me (completely non-ironically!) that I should reduce stress in my life.
Excellent! /billandted
Also that I shouldn’t use alcohol to help with stress.
Bogus! /billandted
Whoa, and I’m complaining that the kids won’t stay in their beds? Stay well and clot free.
I’ve had episodes of this since my early 20s. I’m 38 this year and not dead yet, if that’s of any comfort. It is to me.
I looked up atrial fibrillation on Wikipedia just now and was surprised to learn that it can lead to farting. No: fainting. I am short-sighted, too.
Thing is, you do yoga, you don’t smoke, you live in a beautiful climate where you’re not hidden indoors half the year because the fresh air’s too cold. These are Good Things. I don’t think you have to burn your diary yet for many, many years.
antonia, actually both are correct! ha! when i was a firefighter, sometimes when we had a patient suffering from elevated heart beat, we would tell them to ‘bear down.’ sort of pretend you are really trying to go to the bathroom (NUMBER TWO PENCIL) but don’t ACTUALLY let anything out. it’s called valsalva maneuver.
um, it kind of does lead to farting.
and then fainting.
Awe Eden…don’t freak out too much!
Last year I was having all these funky neurological symptoms and the neurologist decided I was having Brain Stem TIA’s (mini-strokes), I’ve been on the baby aspirin since that time, but now they are thinking I am having seizure activity b/c/ my bloodwork doesn;t support the stroke diagnosis and I am having more symptoms than before…
Anyhow, if we hang out anytime soon, we can be totally jolly and maybe give others a laguh as well, with you heart-palpitating and fainting and my spasming, slurring and having mood swings…it’ll be fun!
All of LA uses ‘that’s so gay’ but we mean it like, Oh my God, your condo is so well decorated.” or “Wow, your shoes are sick.”
Meaning the gays always do it better. Male hets can’t even dress. Female hets are not far behind. Gays RULE here!
Once my BP was 200 over something and they said if I didn’t get any medication for it I would DIE during my surgery, which they wouldn’t even do.
I CAN’T GET THAT OUT OF MY HEAD.
A HUGE hug for you. I am currently wearing a 30 day cardiac event monitor and have been taking a beta blocker for 3 1/2 weeks. When did it start? The week of my BIRTHDAY. I feel your pain, my friend. HUGE HUGS.
I really hate to tell you this, but palpitations can be a symptom of menopause. I forget exactly how old you are, so forgive me if i insult you with this theory.
Last year i ended up doing something called a “stress echo test” which involved me showing my perfect pair to a much younger man, only to be told that i am in the process of becoming a dried up hag.
Cheers!
Oh, and a hug.
It’s probably nothing serious. That is what I’m visualizing, anyhow. Hope you feel great soon and hear nothing but good news.
Hug.
hi! you don’t know me. i’ve been reading your blog devotedly for eons. i think you are witty and charming and fabulous, and you are going to be just fine, darling.
love,
dahlia
who teaches yoga in san francisco
I grew up in Massachusetts, and people out here use the word “gay” like the word “the.” Its not RIGHT, and it’s not GOOD, but I don’t think for people out here it has anything to do with fruitiness and masculinity. For example! A car cuts you off and you say “THAT’S SO GAY.” People here use it as a substitute for lame, weird, stupid, silly, anything. Again, it is not GOOD, and I’m not really defending it, but there you go. No fruitiness implied over in New England.
babe! I am saying a prayer for ya! Yr going to be fine!!!! Just do what they say and write!!!! It is therapy. xoxoox
I’ve had SVT since I was 10, and I imagine the diagnosis was easier to swallow since I was a kid. I’ve been on beta blockers for 25 years now, and none of it stopped me from drinking my way through college or having a healthy baby 3 years ago. My cardiologists have always been nonchalant about my condition; perhaps because it’s more or less controlled by meds. Hope your diagnosis is this straightforward, if not more so. And feel free ask me any questions you have!
The guy who offices next to me died this week. So you can’t. I’ve filled my quota for the year.
Mrs K – Take a deep breath. I had a similar thing happen to me about 8 months ago. Turns out that it was a regular type of arrhythmia that develops in many of us as we get older. Some people can’t feel it at all and others of us can. I cut out caffeine and worked on stress management and I haven’t felt it since.
Be forewarned, I had to wear the halter heart monitor for 48 hours to get a diagnosis. (Oh, and the first time they lost my results.) It sucks, but not a major deal.
I hope your issue turns out to be just as benign!
Don’t freak out. I think it’s fairly normal to have irregular heartbeats occasionally. It could just be related to stress or something. My husband was having some strange heartbeats once, and his doctor basically said, “Don’t worry about it,” and they went away. Good luck, and don’t put too much faith in what they tell you at the walk-in clinic. Probably better to get a regular doctor who knows you.
A post with “retards” and “gay” in it. You don’t see that every day. I think stress might just be good for you after all!
a) My mom has had atrial fib since the late eighties; it’s manageable. We all hope yours is an isolated incident, of course! But if it develops into a permanent thing, it doesn’t mean INSTANT DEATH-COMA or anything — the right medication manages it, and that’s that. I anticipate inheriting the same thing — at 26, I’ve already had a halter monitor episode but my irregular heartbeat didn’t want to be found. So I get to wait until it can’t be ignored.
b) Have you paused to consider how Santa will feel about this usage of ‘jolly’? I think he might be a little offended.
c) Hi. I’m de-lurking.
My husband is 60 and has had A-fib for 10 years. It has only gotten BETTER in the past couple of years, since he cut drinking down drastically and avoids MSG. Also keeping up with his anxiety meds helps him. He is on atenolol to lower his heart rate, but other than that, nothing else. Also, the doctors said that the A-fib has to go on for like 24 hours before it becomes a stroke risk. We decided if it goes on for more than 10 hours, we will go to the ER. Never had to do that.
Best of luck!
How is it possible for you to write a post in which I am concerned for you and still manage to make me laugh in the last paragraph? I am so using jolly now.
Sending lots of good thoughts your way. My mom went through something like this even with her diabetes and the problem ended up sort of righting itself. I hope you get some answers and are 100% soon.
You’re going to be fine. Modern medicine is doing wonders. Don’t be such a gay retard about it for Christ’s sake.
Oops, forgot to fling you a hug
Hi Eden,
First, to address one commenter, SVT and atrial fibrillation are two very different beasts. SVT stands for supraventricular tachycardia, which is a fancy way of saying “rapid heart rate.”
Atrial fibrillation means the top half of the heart is beating too fast, but also –and more importantly– irregularly, randomly, instead of the consistent da-dum you normally hear. AF has many causes, but as long as your heart muscle is normal, it is pretty easy to fix.
And fix it you should because not only does it increase stroke risk by a factor of 8, but it increases your risk of cardiac arrest 5 fold.
Not to mention that after years of it, your heart will start to “remodel” and not with lace curtains or new siding, but it will get large and floppy. Not pretty.
That being said, you can live for decades in AF. I have been in chronic AF for almost six years and (due to a genetic heart condition) 50% of my family and extended family have had AF for up to 30 years (some all the time, some off and on). I have had a stroke and a brain hemorrhage from the blood thinner and recovered 100% from both.
Talk to your doctor about Pulmonary Vein Ablation, which will stop the AF from happening. It has an extremely high success rate, like 95%. (Due to my genetic condition, it won’t work for me, thus the stroke, etc.)
Please feel free to email me as I can tell you all about AF, the medications, the side effects, treatment options, all of it. And the signs of stroke. The AHA website is excellent on stroke info, btw.
Oh no, that is scary! Please keep us updated.
Sending hugs and a fancy folded fan your way!
Hmmm. You’ve put my annoyingly chapped lips into perspective, and I will now concentrate on you and not on me, for a change.
All I can think is if that can happen to you, then it could sure happen to me! I have to turn this on to myself somehow, because that’s the kind of hypochondriac I am. I don’t even do yoga!
Well that’s scarry. I suppose there are worse ways to find out you might have a problem like actually having a stroke. I hope you feel better soon.
As for the car while vandalizing it might be more fun you can call your local PD and complain. They’ll come put a ticket on it saying it neds to be moved in 48 hours and then they tow it away. I had a neighbor who semed to collect cars that didn’t run and liked to park them in from of my house. Classy I know.
I would say call the police and advise them of the car being there. More then likely if it's been there six weeks and not moved…It's probably stolen. Unfortunately, it happens all the time. I work as a claims adjuster and last year I paid for a SUV that was stolen. Six months later I received a phone call from local PD stating…hey we found it..it's been parked for five and a half months in downtown Phoenix, only problem with it is the empty gas tank. LOL>…great..
So my company has a brand new 2008 Dodge Durango now. Wonder if they will let me buy it for the salvage price we paid for it 
Consider yourself extremely hugged. Does Peanut need a wrestling outfit to cheer you up?
i’m sorry. worrying about health is a bitch when you have children. be sure to have your thyroid and estrogen/progesterone and cortisol levels checked, all which can greatly factor in that kind of problem.
if you are dx with anything, lef.org is my health bible. they have THE best info for disease treatment.
take deep breaths and feel the love.
Oh my goodness. I will be thinking about you. Please be well.
Don’t worry – you’re way too gay to die. You’ll be fine.
I read this earlier this week but I didn’t comment because I wanted to write something that would make you laugh (aka the best medicine). I just don’t have the funny, so I’ll just say I’m really sorry, and please let us know how you’re doing.
Delurking after years of reading and enjoying your humor and wisdom and interesting perspectives on things to say I hope things get better soon. If there’s anything good here, it’s that they caught it in time to treat it. (Call the cops about the car — it’s probably been stolen and then ditched.)
I have been struggling with an alternative for the word “gay” with that connotation for YEARS. But, I am sorry, “jolly” doesn’t do it for me either.
Oh, and I really really really hope you are OK.
I think you should not worry. This is going to sound incredibly stupid but it is true: They can fix hearts good these days. If there’s one thing they are working on, it is fixing hearts.
I met someone who lived to 95 on what was supposed to be 10% of her heart function. And she had a great life.
I find this funny in a way because I’m thinking: Now would be such a great time to just drop dead. But no such luck. I just know when I do finally drop dead, it’s going to be a time when it is tragic or inconvenient because that’s just my luck. I’ll be in the middle of being happy. Or else a really good movie or something.
I have the heart of a wildebeest.
I’ll trade ya.
no stroking please – but do get the thyroid checked.
thank you for the good belly laughs – jolly even! your fans are dang funny too… I nearly spit out my tea reading about the embolism tights with summer shorts bit. nice gaggle you have!
be well… a reader fan in Marin who happens to visit and love SB often. ah, the warmth!
Warning unpleasant story ahead.
There was a random car parked for a few days across from my parents house a few years back. Turned out some guy from the next state over had driven to a random place(we live in the country), walked out into the back of the field where there were some trees and killed himself.
My parents were just kind of commenting on the abandoned car for a few days, but luckily the neighbors actually called the cops to report the car.
totally love the way your mind works… wish i had just a smidgeon of your wit and talent. and don’t worry so much about dying, just do what i do and surround yourself with people who know CPR. best of luck to you!
(hug)
And now for a car vandalism story -
Several long, hot summers ago a friend…um, I mean…a not so pleasant acquaintance of mine discovered a strange odor in her car. It kinda smelled like the beach. Over the next few weeks the smell intensified into an unbearable, but oddly familiar, stench. She drove herself (sorry; I couldn’t resist that pun;)) crazy trying to figure out where it was coming from.
It wasn’t until months later that she discovered the cause – somebody put dead fish under her hubcaps.
Be well.:)
Thinkin about ya! BTW you can’t die because I am all done with death this week. ALL. DONE.
My father had atrial fibrillation …he was also raised Christian Scientist and didn’t believe in too much medical intervention…So, when a flutter hit, he would stand on his head (apparently, this would rush a large volume of blood to his brain, or away from his heart or something like that.) This advice was courtesy of his best friend, a dentist, and about the closest thing he had to a GP. These episodes were especially fun when they came about in public. Like the time in Woolworth’s Department Store. We just finished eating a fantastically flat and shiny grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. Somewhere between the lunch counter and the tool aisle, he asked me to hold the bags and very carefully placed his hands and head on the floor. With a swift kick off from his foot, he erected his 6′ 2″ frame into a perfect handstand. We didn’t really talk during these episodes. So, I just sort of stood there, watching his face turn purple. Funny, people would never ask if we were ok. I wonder if I took my kids to Stop and Shop and did a hand stand in the produce aisle if anyone would inquire to my children’s wellbeing? Just wondering. Be well.
OMG! R U OKAY?!!? Should I call 911 – ARE YOU THERE!?! ANSWER DAMN YOU!
Days like this make you realize it's all relative, right? Dirty laundry? No biggie. Mac & Cheese for dinner? Totally fine.
Hang in there! I hope it's just a blip from sugar and spice.
Inderal anyone? Join the ranks of Bossy, who has had this since a kid. Bossy calls it Tall Girl Disease. Truly, it’s fairly common for us tall broads.
Bossy can handle the Inderal and aspirin, she’s more afraid of the ablation surgery that can easily cure the whole deal.
Cut out all the caffeine.
My husband has been on beta blockers for a while because of the exact same thing. He’s had this condition for a long time and one small pill a day keeps him from going through the misery of the erratic heartbeat. I know he’s a lot older than you, but this condition isn’t reserved for any particular age group.
But…here’s a homeopathic method of regularizing your heartbeat and apparently it works. Sounds whacky, but my husband has been told by several cardiologists that if you’re in the midst of an ‘event,’ bear down as if you need to have a bowel movement. I’m guessing that if you actually do need to do something, you’d be advised to be near the loo.
Take care, kid. I know this crap is frightening, but I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Yikes, Mrs. K.!
Fingers crossed for you, and hoping someone prescribes some soothing pills.
Ack, it's been way more than an hour and you haven't posted again. So, post! Please.
My brother had to stop my nephews from using "gay" as derogatory when they were little, in deference to me, his homo-sis. But you know, I think I'd rather they used "gay" (as in "that's so gay") in an ooky way than "nigga" in a way that they and their pals think is cool. They're teenaged white boys and I find the use of "nigga" (in a good way) to be ickier than "gay" (in a bad way). Is that strange? Wrong?
You're gonna be fine. My mom just had a super high blood pressure thing, then a super LOOOOW blood pressure thing due to her new meds, and then she was hospitalized for a couple of days (she almost fainted at a casino – if you want quick health care in public, a Vegas casino that caters to senior citizen locals is the place to be) for a bunch of tests…and she's fine & dandy. She'll be 80 next month, so I think you'll be fine too.
Perhaps we could offend a whole other group of people, such as “you are so empty nester” or “you are so Swedish”. Just a thought.
Sorry to hear about your scare, Eden. If it makes you feel any better, I checked myself into the emergency room a few years back because I thought I was having a heart attack, and went through a bunch of tests and all that crap. And you know how much OLDER you are than me, so really, I should be the one who’s scared!
Hope you feel better soon.
ah, jolly! my husband and his siblings grew up using “enjoyable” for about the same purpose. of course the person in question has to look as though he feels pretty great about his infuriating/swooningly embarrassing pumpkin hat.
Okay, it looks like I am a few months late in responding to your finger/throat inquiry but I did want to follow up in case you or your readers find yourselves improperly using this technique.
You stick your finger down your throat, like you are gagging yourself.
Good day.