I was at Fancy Ralph’s on Carrillo a couple of weeks ago and I glanced up and, it being sort of early in the morning, thought that sign said REVENGE WATER. Then I went on this whole mental trip about what age bracket the manufacturers would target for their expanding line of “Satisfy Your Craving for REVENGE!” functional foods, but the whole thing got pretty ugly so I just bought three pints of organic half-and-half and went back to the office.
This one is because buh! Chocolate oysters with opalescent maple pearls! Chocolate Maya is one of those precious local Marie Antoinette-level shops that by all rights should fold during the recession, but is so pretty you hope it will hang in there, because there will come a day when the one thing you need is a $3.50 chocolate clownfish filled with lemon ganache and then what will you do? Cry salty tears all over your Butterfinger, that’s what.
Anyway, Friday night Jackson’s left nostril was really sore. He’d been complaining about having a lump inside there that he just couldn’t dislodge using the (ahem) traditional method, and eventually I guess the whole thing got so infected that you could practically see it throbbing on the outside of his face. Having been through what I quickly diagnosed as the exact same ugliness, I — well, I got a little panicked. And then he started crying. And then Jack walked in and saw us both weeping in despair at the fragility of life and he said WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?
So the next morning, I took Jackson to the urgent care clinic. It’s right by a bunch of high-end car lots where the ratio of salespeople to customers is right around 11:1, but Jackson’s going through some sort of car nut phase so I promised him we’d stop and look at some Porsches or whatever before going home.
We ended up in the BMW showroom where a nice salesman who clearly didn’t have much else to do gave Jackson the full tour of the new BMW M3 convertible hardtop. Jackson was overjoyed when the top came down and clicked over his head.
I thanked the salesman for his patience and he said, “Oh, we all started out that way,” indicating the other salesmen standing around. I guess he’s just one of those guys who takes the long view. Get the kid attached to your brand (and be nice to his mom) and you’ll have a customer for life.
Jackson: I so want this car.
Me: (If I instill a love of luxury cars in him, will it inspire him to work hard and save his money, or will it turn him into a materialistic creep?)
Jackson: Mom, why don’t you buy this car. Your car is old and rusty and crappy.
Me: Nice try.
Salesman: (chuckles)
Me: But I tell you what. If you can save up $2,000 for a car by the time you’re eighteen, I’ll match it. I’ll give you $2,000, and then you can get a $4,000 car.
Jackson: How much is this car?
Salesman: It’s about $65,000, fully loaded.
Jackson: So if I save $31,000 . . .
ha! he's good at math… smart kid.
New Age Beverage?
Inquiring minds want to know what New Age Beverage is!
I'm proud to announce that those fancy chocolates are made in Oregon.
Sounds like Jackson is leaning toward the "working hard" side of things and not the "materialistic creep" side. Good job!
I'm also one of those wondering what a New Age Beverage is.
If he saves up $32k by the time he's 18, I think you HAVE to match it. That would totally deserve a Porsche.
Clearly I've lived in California too long, "new age beverage" didn't eve phase me. Doesn't eveyone choose their sports drink based on their astrological sign/religious affiliation?
This Spring we took our 11 year old with us to look at cars. As we did the test drive, he moaned contentedly(and repeatedly!)from his seat beside the salesman, "If it were legal to marry a car I would sooo marry this one!" It was a 2006 Mercury Mariner. At least Jackson has high standards. Hope he's ok now!
I"m so thirsty for that Revenge Water.
Nice photos.
Just another East Coaster here who really wants to know what a New Age Beverage is.
You are the best mom ever.
Honestly, I think it's just SoBe and Vitamin Water and shit like that.
And unicorn pee.
Jackson is growing up to be so gorgeous. I'm glad Esme was asleep as I read this (to be exact, asleep in most of my side of the bed) or my laptop screen would be covered in tiny sticky kisses.
if he saves 32 thousand by the time he's 18 I'll marry him. what ingenuity! mind you I'll be like…60….
Alan Thicke was the salesman?
I thought you were going to say Fred Willard ended up showing Jackson the car.
See, this is exactly why math is the most dangerous of the "Three 'R's". It makes kids know stuff and that's the beginning of all woe.
Well played!
GM sent me a Chevy Tahoe to drive to BlogHer and when they came to take it away, my son stood at the front window and cried. I only have to save $55,000…
so how's his nose??!! Quick thinking on Jackson's behalf!!
There's a "New Age Beverage" sign in our local grocery store here in Maine, too. And every time I walk past it I scratch my head and chuckle a little. Who came up with that?
http://www.beveragemarketing.com/reportcatalog7e.html
Still a little bewildered.
Good taste, and good at math?
Watch out, ladies.
Nice math skills! I hope his nose is better.
that kid is on to something!
Muahahahahaaa! You fool! (she says in her best cartoon villain voice), that's as dangerous as taking a daughter to a bridal shop.
I don't know if I could eat a lemon(!) chocolate Nemo. Too wierd in both respects. But I'm all for the Marie Antoinette thing, oh yeah.
I can picture the sampler lady for the New Age beverages now: Stevie Nicks.
PS – You're not far off-base with the marketing to kids thing. I do some work for a luxury auto company (not BMW but a competitor) and at events we go out of our way to be gracious to children to give them good vibes about our brand. Childhood vibes = adult buying habits.
Yay for the young mathematician!! LOL
I get too much entertainment by mis-readings and mis-hearings. Recently I heard a public radio sponsorship blurb for a flooring company. I could have sworn they said they carried "bamboo, pork and laminate flooring". I realized that the middle one must have been 'cork' but I sure had a good time imagining a floor made out of roast pork.
Wait "New Age Beverages" what the chuff? I need to stop shopping at Dirty Ralphs.
I think the sign of a good writer, other than eleventy billion readers, is that I live in the exact same town and have never noticed any of this stuff. I'm off to buy a fish chocolate and a porsche.
I love this post. My (inexplicably materialistic) 7-year-old is obsessed with acquiring a $1,200 massage chair. Oh the mathematics around here.
Also can relate to the strange nasal medical condition. After swimming yesterday, my daughter came down with 30 minutes of uncontrolled serial burping. As usual I was halfway convinced it was fatal, but then it cleared up.
Well done, mom – and what an awesome sales rep. When we wandered in to a Porsche showroom a few years ago, once the salesmen realized we were living off of financial aid – they rolled their eyes and walked away.
But… I can see it in his eyes – it's just a matter of time before he is taking on a paper route, walking neighborhood dogs, cutting grass and carrying in people's groceries. So that one day, ONE DAY, he can fork it all over for a convertible.
But wait. What's the insurance on something like that?? I'm guessing he'll also want to use some of his allowance to buy a weekly lottery ticket…!!