#4, A Post About Bagels
Three times a year Jack's mom sends us a big Zabar's box containing a dozen bagels, two things of lox, a bag of cinnamon rugelach, a pound of coffee, and two containers of the best, most fattiest, heart-attackenest cream cheese in all the world (one regular, one chive).
But we always sort of forget they're going to arrive. She normally sends one on Jack's birthday and one on Father's Day, but last Friday when a Zabar's box arrived at the door, Jack was all, Look! My mom sent us bagels for, uh, Halloween!
I think they're for our anniversary, I said.
Our what? said Jack.
Monday was our thirteenth anniversary. Traditionally, the gift for that one is lace, the Internet now tells me; modern alternatives are textiles and faux fur, which I just mistakenly read as tentacles and faux fur. The mind reels.
The thing is, last week I'd just bought a pound of lox and a dozen bagels down at Jerry's in Woodland Hills when I had lunch with Suzy, so all of a sudden our freezer looks like -- well, I don't know what it looks like, but it doesn't look like it belongs to a bunch of Irish Catholics (apart from the rosary frozen into the ice cube tray).
A person can only eat so much lox. That's just science. So eventually, as the days wear on, I start eating bagels with butter, just for a change. Or I'll spread some jam on there. This makes Jack insane. Like, the only respectful way to treat a bagel that's flown all the way from New York and given up its life in our toaster is to reverently smooth an inch of cream cheese over it's top with a silver knife and beg for its permission to take a bite. (And then feel really guilty about it.)
But what am I supposed to do? It's only Wednesday and I'm officially sick to death of lox. I don't want to see another cold slice of tomato or paper-thin ring of Bermuda onion until January. And for the love of God, don't open those capers in front of me!
This morning I ate half a sesame bagel covered in almond butter and Nutella. I expect Jack and I will be going into counseling next week.
But we always sort of forget they're going to arrive. She normally sends one on Jack's birthday and one on Father's Day, but last Friday when a Zabar's box arrived at the door, Jack was all, Look! My mom sent us bagels for, uh, Halloween!
I think they're for our anniversary, I said.
Our what? said Jack.
Monday was our thirteenth anniversary. Traditionally, the gift for that one is lace, the Internet now tells me; modern alternatives are textiles and faux fur, which I just mistakenly read as tentacles and faux fur. The mind reels.
The thing is, last week I'd just bought a pound of lox and a dozen bagels down at Jerry's in Woodland Hills when I had lunch with Suzy, so all of a sudden our freezer looks like -- well, I don't know what it looks like, but it doesn't look like it belongs to a bunch of Irish Catholics (apart from the rosary frozen into the ice cube tray).
A person can only eat so much lox. That's just science. So eventually, as the days wear on, I start eating bagels with butter, just for a change. Or I'll spread some jam on there. This makes Jack insane. Like, the only respectful way to treat a bagel that's flown all the way from New York and given up its life in our toaster is to reverently smooth an inch of cream cheese over it's top with a silver knife and beg for its permission to take a bite. (And then feel really guilty about it.)
But what am I supposed to do? It's only Wednesday and I'm officially sick to death of lox. I don't want to see another cold slice of tomato or paper-thin ring of Bermuda onion until January. And for the love of God, don't open those capers in front of me!
This morning I ate half a sesame bagel covered in almond butter and Nutella. I expect Jack and I will be going into counseling next week.
28 Comments:
Oh, Eden, NO! I get being sick of lox. But a bagel with nutella? That's just insanity.
One of my kids' favorite treats is a half a bagel with butter, cinnamon and sugar on top. Yum.
You didn't expect to get away with that 'rosary frozen in the ice tray' aside, did you?
The funny thing about the internet is that I'm going to comment right now about how my 12th anniversary was on Sunday, and isn't that just funny? A day and a year?
And then the other funny part about the internet is that I'm going now feel silly for rambling on about this when really I wanted to wish you a Happy Anniversary.
And good grief, I will totally now SHUT UP.
I really love it when you blog every single day. It's good for the world. xo
Looks around guiltily...
whispers...
((even when I buy the smallest smoked salmon, I get sick of eating it several mornings in a row before it goes off...))
Looks around, starts whistling...
toasted with peanut butter on top of butter. ummmm.
I didn't want to say anything at lunch, but when I saw you scrape those capers off the bagel I thought, She is SO going to hell.
When you go into counseling, please mention you're not a caperphile. I hope you get a Jewish therapist.
When I need a bagel (which isn't all that often), I skip right by the age-old authentic place for the bagel joint with shiksa appeal - they have mini bagels! And they'll toast them for you! Without grimacing! (But they still smirk at the butter and jelly request. Can't win 'em all.)
Darn, I thought the 13th was testicles and faux fur. There seemed to be theme there. Guess not.
Happy anniversary!
A Jewish Mother-In-Law-From-Another-Planet waving tentacles, red fur, and myriad bagels can only mean one thing. You forgot her birthday. Did you?. I'd pelt that thing with the capers and get the hell out of there if I were you.
Take that "tentacles" thing and run with it. Calamari!
Tentacles.
Ahahahahahahahaha.
Bagel and nutella? Heresy. And Genius.
I went through a Nutella bagel phase just last month, myself. But LOX! I'd love some lox right now.
Is it possible to get sick of lox??
I will take your word on it. I personally hate breakfast but think if it involved a bagel, lox and cream cheese I would devour for a month.
And then move on.
No decent lox in these parts..
Man, bagel purists scare me. I swear to God my husband's New Yorker cousins would gun me down in cold blood if I so much as nibbled on a blueberry bagel.
I sort of understand this a little bit because I am like this about Mexican food. But a bagel is a naturally versatile food! What the hell people?
I'm coming to your house... I would give a lot for a really good sesame seed bagel, I don't even care what you put on it. I'll eat the lox! Man! Yum!
Well I can tell you what we do in the restaurant industry...we freeze it! Yes, you can freeze smoked salmon and it's completely fine once it's thawed. So I'd say wrap that stuff up nice and tight (so the edges don't go dry) and pop it into the freezer. When you want to eat it, take it out and let it defrost in the fridge overnight. If you're feeling very shmancy, put it in the freezer in small portions. That way you're not defrosting a bunch of it and then getting sick of it.
Same goes for bagels... :)
...and just to be really annoying, you know that smoked salmon can be used in food other than bagels, right? Frittatas, quiches, whizzed up and made into a dip...
M
you eat what you want to! my childhood treat was a cinnamon/raisin bagel with liverwurst on top. it's funny being the child of immigrants, yessirree...
My husband will agree with Jack, but I'm here to tell you that a sesame bagel, toasted, with a light smear of butter, and then topped with some of that high fat cream cheese that has had (aka ruined to the likes of Jack) some chopped jalapeno mixed in (raw - the crunchy bits are terrific = wonderous.
I see what you mean about the bagels, and nothing's better than a good new york bagel.
Except maybe rosary cubes. That may be the best invention ever.
I'm obviously not a new yorker but bagels go with anything for me...nothing better than a nice fresh bagel, toasted with butter or peanut butter, or cream cheese, or just about anything you want to put on it--ooh, make it a western sandwich! (i'm pregnant and go overboard thinking about food right now--sorry!)
You could make bagel and lox pizzas. Use you favorite spaghetti or pizza sauce, lox and some good mozzarella and broil until the cheese is melty.
Yum. I want one now.
just found your blog and love it! that's all ;)
You are one lucky SBarbarian to be sick of lox. If only I had some decent lox...
Our 13th is approaching as well; its good to know the real anniversary 'thing'. Himself asked me what the 13th was and I told him 'linoleum and farm implements'.
As for bagels, when they get to that point where they are edible only with toasted I have to go with the fried egg, slab of good cheese, and some kind of non-kosher nitrite-soaked breakfast meat in between their toasty goodness. And ketchup.
Haha...I totally just read "tentacles" as "testicles"
And you thought you were bad. *sigh*
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