Peanut: It’s what I do. At first it was just a way to get some warm air up under my shell, but now I think it’s become something that defines me.
EMK: Your trademark position.
EMK: So, the warmth is what initially attracted you . . .
Peanut: It’s the quality of the warmth that attracted me. The sun, it’s so harsh sometimes.
EMK: What about the foot traffic in the kitchen? For a tortoise on a tile surface, that has to be an issue.
Peanut: I get hockey-pucked once in awhile, it’s true. But my instincts are pretty sharp, I just suck everything into my shell and . . . you know.
Peanut: Sure, I pray. There’s got to more than this, right? Something out there, shaping reality. Providing for us. How else would bananas and romaine lettuce just fall from the sky? Miracles happen every day, if you know where to look.
EMK: How do you feel about being one of two females in a house with four males?
Peanut: The hamster’s a male?
EMK: That’s what they told us when we bought him at PetCo.
Peanut: Damn, I wish I’d known that before I bought him all those drinks the other night.
EMK: Wait, what?
Peanut: It explains the beard, though.
EMK: Is there some neighborhood animals-only nightclub I don’t know about?
Peanut: Oh, sure. It’s back by the garage where that nice couple put up the bird feeder.
EMK: So you’re a lesbian tortoise?
Peanut: Does that shock you?
EMK: Uh, no. Well, yes, I guess it does, but the fact that you were trying to pick up a hamster shocks me more.
Peanut: It was supposed to be ladies’ night. Ladies ONLY. He must have tucked it in to get past the raccoons at the door. They’re normally pretty shrewd.
Peanut: I know, right?
EMK: Well, thanks for your time, Peanut. Do you have anything else you’d like to say to your fans?
Peanut: This Thursday night, half-price Jell-O shots until 9:00 p.m.!