Checking In With Peanut

On October 20, 2010 by Eden M. Kennedy

Eden M. Kennedy: How’s it going? I see you have your head wedged beneath the refrigerator again.

Peanut: It’s what I do. At first it was just a way to get some warm air up under my shell, but now I think it’s become something that defines me.

EMK: Your trademark position.

Peanut: Exactly.

EMK: So, the warmth is what initially attracted you . . .

Peanut: It’s the quality of the warmth that attracted me. The sun, it’s so harsh sometimes.

EMK: What about the foot traffic in the kitchen? For a tortoise on a tile surface, that has to be an issue.

Peanut: I get hockey-pucked once in awhile, it’s true. But my instincts are pretty sharp, I just suck everything into my shell and . . . you know.

EMK: Pray?

Peanut: Sure, I pray. There’s got to more than this, right? Something out there, shaping reality. Providing for us. How else would bananas and romaine lettuce just fall from the sky? Miracles happen every day, if you know where to look.

EMK: How do you feel about being one of two females in a house with four males?

Peanut: The hamster’s a male?

EMK: That’s what they told us when we bought him at PetCo.

Peanut: Damn, I wish I’d known that before I bought him all those drinks the other night.

EMK: Wait, what?

Peanut: It explains the beard, though.

EMK: Is there some neighborhood animals-only nightclub I don’t know about?

Peanut: Oh, sure. It’s back by the garage where that nice couple put up the bird feeder.

EMK: So you’re a lesbian tortoise?

Peanut: Does that shock you?

EMK: Uh, no. Well, yes, I guess it does, but the fact that you were trying to pick up a hamster shocks me more.

Peanut: It was supposed to be ladies’ night. Ladies ONLY. He must have tucked it in to get past the raccoons at the door. They’re normally pretty shrewd.

EMK: Wow.

Peanut: I know, right?

EMK: Well, thanks for your time, Peanut. Do you have anything else you’d like to say to your fans?

Peanut: This Thursday night, half-price Jell-O shots until 9:00 p.m.!



39 Responses to “Checking In With Peanut”

  • Peanut, you’re awesome!

  • Peanut, I’m cracking up over here.

  • What I wanna know is how do you deal with all the turtle poop?

  • Peanut is competent. Can we have his opinion on the Gaza conflict resolution and the electoral frenzy?

    Fans of Peanut Unite Committee

  • you’re fuckin funny. and so is peanut.

  • Peanut is an inspiration to lesbian turtles everywhere.

  • I thought Peanut would wear purple on Spirit Day, but mayhap she is sporting said color as a beret, blocked from view?

  • It’s always the quiet ones. They always end up being the kinky party animal. Totally not surprised.

  • I’ll ask Peanut if she wants me to paint her shell purple.

  • Peanut is only SHE/HER in disguise. Peanut is as manly as manly does. Anyone and everyone assumes the feminine pose when residing in a halfway house under the fridge. It has something to do with the old and tired notion of frigidity.

    Sigmund F.

  • perhaps just some small purple accents would be nice. Jello shots are awesome, please have 2 for me.

  • I guess the moral here is that you should slow down when the other person has a beard. Aesop wrote about this in his famous story, ‘The Tortoise and the Hair.’

  • I love you, Brandon.

  • Peanut…go glad you came out of your shell and shared with us.
    Your friends at the jello Bar might (or might not) appreciate this joke..

    An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

    “What did you do that for?” Asked a passing giraffe.

    “Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.”

    “Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe.

    “Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall”.

  • Is it you guys who hibernates your tortoise in the vegetable crisper or am I just hallucinating? If not, does she hibernate at all this time of year?

    • The vegetable crisper!?! Peanut likes to hibernate in warmer places. My Ugg boots, for example. She was active all last winter and didn’t hibernate until like June, so I don’t know. Her cycles are all out of whack.

  • Don’t worry, Peanut. That’s exactly the same way my husband picked me up. You never see the tuck when you’ve been in the Jell-O shots.

  • Jesus, who the hell did I read about hibernating their tortoises in the fridge? I swear I don’t even know any other tortibloggers…

    But if you google “tortoise hibernate refrigerator” there are many results so I know I didn’t make it up!

    I wonder if her cycles are out of whack because you live in a relatively temperate climate.

    I will stop talking about tortoises……NOW.

  • Ruby (age 9) just read the first part and now she wants to read the rest after she brushes her teeth and we will have some explaining time after that.

    Hi, Brandon.

  • Peanut is awesome.

    Wait, only two females? What happened to Cookie?

  • Totally worth the wait!!! Thanks, Peanut and EMK!

  • i love you. that is all.

    (and no, i don’t say that to all of the internet strangers.)

  • “How else would bananas and romaine lettuce just fall from the sky?”

    love this. tee shirt. or, bookmark.

  • Oh, man.
    “There has to be more than this, right?”

    How did Peanut come to be so wise? My little brother’s turtle, Jackie, has NEVER ONCE offered me advice or personal philosophies.

  • I’m a little chilly and so I’m now considering sticking my head under the refrigerator.

  • Thanks for the Peanut update!

  • yay!

  • Maybe the raccoons stepped away to wash their dinner in a stream somewhere near by. That’s probably how the hamster got in.

  • In case Peanut needs some Jell-O shot inspiration for her big half-price bash:

  • Hey, I got one for Peanut: Why did the elephant stick her trunk across the trail? To trip ants.
    Aw, you’re welcome, girl. Keep the noggin toasty.

  • Is Cookie going to have a few mini Cookies in the oven sometime soon?

  • And all this time I’ve been assuming tortoises were atheists. Love love love this – so funny. Thank you!

  • Peanut seems pretty astute. Perhaps he should have an advice column!