Dear Homeless Folks Who’ll Be Considering Eating the Thanksgiving Pies I Constructed;
First of all, I wasn’t intentionally experimenting on you. I felt sure that the fancy store-bought crust–even though I’d never used it before–would produce a much more beautiful pie crust than anything I could concoct. I had no idea it would shrink when I baked it. I thought all that stuff flopping over the edge was extra, and that I could fold it over and flute it like Mom taught me and there would still be room to pour a quart of pumpkin pie batter into the shell. I hope you like thin, flat pie! It’s probably better that you don’t eat too much, anyway.
Why? Well, uh, were you aware that there’s a difference between evaporated milk and sweetened condensed milk? That one is just sort of bizarrely thick milk and the other is like . . . I can’t even conceive the amount of Karo Syrup a cow would have to eat to give milk with this much sugar in it. Honestly, the only thing I remembered was that the can I was supposed to buy was old-fashioned and I’d have to open it with a church key. I didn’t read the recipe before I went shopping! (Which is also why your pies have last year’s nutmeg in them instead of fresh ginger. Sorry again.) So in addition to 3/4 of a cup of ORGANIC sugar per pie, there’s also a possibly-inappropriate amount of sweetening due to my condensed milk confusion.
In conclusion I would like to apologize one more time for offering these flat, over-sweet pies for your Thanksgiving day sort-of enjoyment at the Veteran’s Building tomorrow. I won’t be offended if your piece ends up in the trash. Next year I’ll make brownies.
P.S. My son is really excited about the pie that’s staying here for our dessert. I’ll be eating a piece and hoping for the best. Happy Thanksgiving!