Dear homeless folks, sorry about the pie.

On November 24, 2010 by Eden M. Kennedy

Dear Homeless Folks Who’ll Be Considering Eating the Thanksgiving Pies I Constructed;

First of all, I wasn’t intentionally experimenting on you. I felt sure that the fancy store-bought crust–even though I’d never used it before–would produce a much more beautiful pie crust than anything I could concoct. I had no idea it would shrink when I baked it. I thought all that stuff flopping over the edge was extra, and that I could fold it over and flute it like Mom taught me and there would still be room to pour a quart of pumpkin pie batter into the shell. I hope you like thin, flat pie! It’s probably better that you don’t eat too much, anyway.

Why? Well, uh, were you aware that there’s a difference between evaporated milk and sweetened condensed milk? That one is just sort of bizarrely thick milk and the other is like . . . I can’t even conceive the amount of Karo Syrup a cow would have to eat to give milk with this much sugar in it. Honestly, the only thing I remembered was that the can I was supposed to buy was old-fashioned and I’d have to open it with a church key. I didn’t read the recipe before I went shopping! (Which is also why your pies have last year’s nutmeg in them instead of fresh ginger. Sorry again.) So in addition to 3/4 of a cup of ORGANIC sugar per pie, there’s also a possibly-inappropriate amount of sweetening due to my condensed milk confusion.

In conclusion I would like to apologize one more time for offering these flat, over-sweet pies for your Thanksgiving day sort-of enjoyment at the Veteran’s Building tomorrow. I won’t be offended if your piece ends up in the trash. Next year I’ll make brownies.

Mrs. Kennedy

P.S. My son is really excited about the pie that’s staying here for our dessert. I’ll be eating a piece and hoping for the best. Happy Thanksgiving!



14 Responses to “Dear homeless folks, sorry about the pie.”

  • My lovely mother-in-law may be making her portion of the meal from scratch, but my portion includes:
    a frozen apple pie
    a store roasted turkey breast (only 3 of us eating turkey)
    a jar of gravy
    precut veggies and Cabot dip
    cheese and crackers
    Pillsbury crescent rolls

    The only things we are “making” are the stuffing and mashed potatoes. And by “making” the stuffing I mean adding liquid.

    Your pie looks better than almost anything I have ever made. (I make good scrambled eggs.)

  • I’m impressed you cooked! I will be bringing a store-bought, spiral-cut ham to my church tomorrow morning. We serve 900 people (!!) Thanksgiving dinner. In truth, I had planned on cooking a turkey, but I’ve never cooked a turkey and I chickened out. (Ooooh, sorry about that…).

  • Oh my God, thank you for showing this. This is exactly the kind of thing I do but don’t really want to admit. I sat here reading, then open-mouth har- harred, laughing at you, but WITH you, you know? I made cookies one year and put in a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon of salt. I recently tried to make pie crust and it was terrible. A week later I noticed it was bread flour I’d used.
    Thanks again. Happy turkey day! I’m cooking the birds for everyone!

  • I’m dying to know how it tastes-please have Jackson report back! And you too. That condensed stuff is good in Vietnamese coffee, Thai iced tea and not much else.

  • Cannot stop laughing, baby sleeping in my lap, might pee myself from the effort of staying quiet, thanks a lot Eden.

  • Oh, this is soul cleansing, is it not? The pies I baked seemed to take on a life of their own, ballooning up in the middle and settling back down in a rather awkward haphazard pattern. All I can say is, I hope they get served to folk who like whipped cream on top as it will make the whole thing less noticeable. There is a crustless pumpkin pie cooling on the counter that will go with me to a place where people will actually know I baked it. The balloon ones will go co-mingle with more respectable pies at the community dinner. Sigh

  • Are we sharing our most embarrassing cooking stories? Mine in a nutshell: Home made guacamole. Brought to the home of a guy I was crushing on. Recipe called for two cloves of garlic. I, um, well…It’s EASY to confuse clove and bulb. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it…much as the two bulbs of garlic stuck to every molecule of air in that guy’s apartment for weeks after I’d been there.


  • Everybody makes that mistake with condensed milk at least once. But my god- what is up with those crusts? I have never seen a pie crust shrink that much. That crust is the shrinkydink of the pie world.

  • that is the cutest, almost-but-curiously-not pathetic looking, lil’ scrumptious baked edible (?) I have yet to see… thanks for sharing. My Slightly Burnt Peach Pie is feeling a bit more confident. Plus, my daughter sculpted a swirly, doughy thing on the top which I trust will distract from any possible shortcomings.

  • I think you bought defective crusts. We buy some store brand crust (come in a cheap pie plate; there’s 2 to a package) and it’s never done that.

    As for the rest, we’ve probably all done at least one of the mixups you did. Baking is for grandmothers for chrissake. How can I be expected to do all that can opening?

  • I went to a cooking class last November called, “Thanksgiving Boot Camp”. I had never made a pie before, which may have been obvious when my pumpkin pie came out of the oven looking like no one else’s. I forgot to put sugar in it. At a cooking class. You can’t really fail much worse than that.

  • Ah I know I’m a little late commenting on this, but this Thanksgiving I wasn’t following the pie recipe well, and totally FORGOT the SUGAR. So, I suppose your pie had all my pie’s sweetness. I tried sprinkling splenda over the top when it was partway through baking, but it was kind of gross. My family ate it anyway. Probably because I gave them wine. OH and I wasn’t following the stuffing recipe well and it came out…. weird. I didn’t sautee the onions and celery beforehand, and added WAY too much chicken broth… it looked like mush, but at least that one TASTED good. :)

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