me am literate

On January 1, 2011 by Eden M. Kennedy

You’ll be excited to hear that I’ve read another book. In keeping with my new habit of finding books that take roughly the same amount of effort to read as the back of a cereal box, I went to the library and was lucky enough to find a copy of Sh*t My Dad Says. That’s right! I checked out a copy of someone’s Twitter feed! It’s like the Universe heard my plea and gave me the literary equivalent of a “Sanford and Son” episode.

By which you should understand that it was surprisingly good. Justin Halpern smartly takes the shit his dad says and weaves it through what turns out to be a fairly brisk and unsentimental look at growing up as his father’s son. His father is one of the bluntest men I’ve run across in quite some time, apart from the one I married and am currently spending the rest of my life with.

For example. The other morning I dug out two pairs of jeans I’d bought at the Lucky Jeans outlet because my two favorite and, actually, only pairs of jeans have grown thin and full of holes. I put on the first new pair and marched around the house in them for a little while to break them in. They are somewhat high-waisted and kind of full in the leg but snug around the crotchal area. (I know, I just made them sound like something Garry Shandling would wear.) Jack came home and was making an espresso–he goes to the job site early and then comes home mid-morning for breakfast–and so I started strutting around the kitchen like some sort of shameless, middle-aged hen.

“How do you like these jeans?” I asked wiggling awkwardly. As I do.

“Are those the jeans you just bought?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“I don’t like them,” he said.

“What?” I said. “You don’t like them?”

“Do you want me to lie?”

“No, but look at the butt!” I turned so he could see my backside. “The butt!”

“They’re comfortable, right?” He said “comfortable” like you say Hitler or diarrhea.

“Well, actually, they ride up a little and I have concerns about a camel toe situation.”

But because he’d said all he had to say about my new jeans, he turned away to make some toast and focus on keeping a fucking roof over our heads.

“I’ll put on the other pair!” I shouted, running down the hall. I put them on. “These are the ones I thought were too young for me!” I shouted from the bedroom. They were straight but not skinny — I didn’t want to look like Joey Ramone, for God’s sake.

He liked those, and they’re actually even more comfortable than the “comfortable” jeans, and sometimes I hate my husband because he’s always fucking right about all this shit.



16 Responses to “me am literate”

  • I was thinking about writing a book called Sh*t My Husband Says. The alternate titles are, Why is Every Light in the House On? or I’ll Do it When the Game is Over.

  • Whatever the jeans were you were wearing the day I saw you, they were sexy.

  • Ah, to reach that phase of life where we have to ask our husbands about our clothing choices. I’m there. He’s honest. It’s comforting because I realize that I don’t need that best girlfriend I used to have. And I never make a total sartorial ass out of myself. But a little sad too.

    Maybe this is a weird comment–but for a domestic anecdote on a blog this is a wickedly well-written vignette. I know that will annoy people because why think blogs can’t be wonderfully written–and they are–but not that often, I hate to say. And rarely as well as this.

  • I hate to second Ozma because her last comment totally depressed me but there it is, she’s right.

    And you are really funny, as well as – uh – sometimes disconcertingly profound, or at least to me you are. I am appreciating you!!!

    Have a good year by the way, you witty profound & good (I suspect) person.

  • Brilliant. Happy New Year!

  • how did you fare in the “no new clothes” challenge?

  • Momo, I would buy that book.
    Candice, I was wearing the holey ones! You like me hobo-style.
    Ozma, My girlfriends never seemed to care what I wore, so it’s kind of weird having someone who does.
    You, too, Katerina!
    Alison, I hope you have a happy, stabbing-free 2011.
    Lori, I made it, and it was strange and kind of a bummer sometimes, but ultimately good. I’d do it again in 2011 but I have to buy a couple of dresses first. Maybe I should challenge myself to make anything new I need, instead of buying it, but fabric is so expensive nowadays, and my sewing skills never evolved beyond junior high-level.

  • “Disconcertingly profound” would make a great tagline for the blog ;)
    And my wife *still* rants and raves about when Betty’s and Beverly’s closed. Sheesh.

  • I tend not to ask my husband anymore what he thinks of a clothing item. It goes much better if I wear the item. If he compliments it I know he likes it and that I made a good choice. If he says nothing I realize it looks like everything else I own. ;)

  • I believe I also own those jeans. I bought them at Costco. They remain at the bottom of the pants pile and are doomed for Salvation Army, particularly because I will no longer be able to wear them without considering Gary Shandling’s crotch. Oof. (But nice reference!)

  • Mrs Eden Marriot Kennedy CANNOT sport any sort of camel toe. I can barely type that.

    I can only rely on myself when it comes to clothes. Mark wouldn’t notice Shandling crotch if it bit him in the ass.

  • Gah. Why can’t there be elastic in our waistbands like the kids get? And a button to shrink or stretch them like in Back to the Future? THOSE would be some jeans I’d be willing to invest in…

    Honest husbands are a tricky situation; you WANT them to be honest but you also WANT them to have rose-colored glasses on when they ARE honest!

  • He’s not just a husband – He’s a BFF.

  • Try jeggings, Mrs. Kennedy! When Mary Smith walked around town in her store-boughten jeggings, she was the envy of everybody right up until the year her name was drawn in the Lottery.