Here’s something

On April 27, 2011 by Eden M. Kennedy

Unfortunately, I don’t have a photo of what I’m about to describe but I hope that I can do it in a way that’s horrifying enough to give you a mental picture you’ll be unable to shake for weeks.

We have a lot of snails in our neighborhood. They leave shiny tracks on the sidewalk and some of them are very small. Jack even found a misguided one in the food processor a few weeks ago. Jackson no longer delights in the crunch they make when you step on them, which I do by accident all the time. Snails have no business snailing around in the dark, and whatever instinct compels them to balance on the tip of a blade of grass before the sun is up is evolution just begging for fertilizer.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Jack and I both have happened (separately!) upon a freshly crunched pile of snail guts on the sidewalk or a blacktop driveway, and this pile of snail goo had turned into a writhing orgy of snail . . . cannibalism? I Googled “snail cannibalism” and it seems unlikely that the one documented species of cannibal snail has Tardis’d thousands of miles from its island habitat and changed the color of both its shell and flesh, but still. I know what I’ve seen. Word gets out that a member of the tribe has met its reward and all the other snails grope their way toward the corpse to celebrate upon it in a big, slimy, sexy funeral frenzy.

Until I can capture another of these disturbing events on video, you can watch this somewhat SFW video, which comes closer to explaining snail sexuality than I dare to.

And as long as we’re talking about the strange delights of the animal kingdom, I will tell you about my dream of a researcher studying a retarded monkey. (In my dream the researcher noted that the monkey was “retarded” in more of the way I learned to use the word in fourth-grade music class, where retard is given the French pronunciation and alerts ten-year-olds to quit playing so fast and there’s no negative judgment attached. Maybe my dream-researcher was an elementary school musico-primatologist.) Either way, it was a nice little monkey, sitting on the ground in a jungle clearing, jabbing a stick into the dirt like any monkey would. All the other monkeys knew there was something different about this monkey but they didn’t have a word for it so they were pretty much, “Eh, whatever.” The researcher may or may not have fallen asleep at that point because it’s pretty boring to dream about words. Subconsciously I guess I wish I could rescue the word retard from its sad current state of abuse (here’s an interesting Mindy Kaling bit which addresses that toward the end) but it’s probably too late to turn back. You can’t really use the word “queer” much anymore either without asking for offense, though occasionally I try. For example, recently I overheard someone describe another person’s name as a “startling moniker.” “That’s a queer turn of phrase,” I said to a coworker, who, being bookish, took my meaning exactly.



20 Responses to “Here’s something”

  • I can’t fully express how delighted I am that you are posting so frequently. It seems unfair in my favor, like someone keeps leaving chocolate at my house and I get to eat it.

  • Ah, the joys of Spring! It is well known in many a gardening circle that going out at dusk with a pair of scissors or a trowel and cutting in half any slugs encountered will reward [!?] the intrepid gardener the next morning with piles of unsuspecting slugs ready to meet their maker…

  • The worst crime I’ve ever seen against octopi in a culinary setting was in the original Iron Chef. It was an all out octopus battle. They were beheaded, and their conscious, legless heads were just tossed into a bucket, there to ponder the rest of their very short existences…one did escape the tank and was spared, as I recall:

    When Cthulu rises, it will be the octopi, and all the rest of his cephalopod friends, who’ll be holding the scissors in their 8 to 10 tentacles and getting some big time payback.

  • It’s rare that I remember my dreams, but just last night I dreamed that someone described himself as being “on the toll,” instead of “on the dole.” Which is not even an expression that we use here in America, which maybe explains why this dream person used it incorrectly? But I do remember waking up and thinking, huh, so even in my dreams I think people are stupid.

  • I love the Green Porno series. Isabella Rossellini is so delightfully weird.

    • I would like it better if she would explain WHY they poke each other. It must have a …point (see what I did there?).

  • in miami, where i live, lizard cross the sidewalk in masses as you approach on a bicycle. They make a popping noise as you ride over them. To me its one of the most horrible sounds.

    Hey maybe i could put it on you tube! So j/k

  • “Startling moniker”? “Queer turn of phrase”?

    I have never worked anywhere that cool.

  • That video is going to give me nightmares…

  • Ditto what The Diamond in the Window said.

  • There’s a scene with a capuchin and a researcher in “Brain Candy” that MAKES the movie. Not that it’s a great flick by far, but that scene alone is worth the rental.

  • I wonder if some birds aren’t smashing and eating the snail guts. That’s the basic operating principal of seagulls and clams.

  • I’m still stuck on snail…in the food processor.


  • Oh god. I’ve witnessed this cannibalism firsthand and there was no one around for me to share my horror with — as I was walking the canine up at the reservoir, there they were, two snails snacking on a fallen comrade.

    I miss the word ‘gay’. You just can’t be gay anymore, can you?

    {Eden, this is Laura from yoga BTW. I’m not stalking you, but somehow I ended up here anyway.}

  • Isabella is so delightfully queer.

  • I love words too.

  • Hi, for those who know me, My name is Casey Colette. I own and operate a blogspot at

    I am writing today to ask for your help. I would like you to write a short post about the tornado victims and link my fundraiser to it. My fundraiser will be sponsored thru Yesteryear soaps. I will be having a “party” and a percentage of the money earned will be donated to the recent tornado victims. I feel empathy and concern for these victims. I will be writing a review on yesteryear soaps 4 days before, on the 10th and then will be having a “party” on my blog benefiting the storm victims. ( Saturday May 14th ) Here is how it works:
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