HULK CONFUSED

On April 25, 2011 by Eden M. Kennedy

Hulk last one to hear that new movie in works about Hulk’s life, Hulk’s struggles, Hulk’s search for love in cold, indifferent universe. The usual. People already know this story, think Hulk to self! Why everybody co-opt Hulk’s story, think they can make brutal poetry on the back of Hulk’s pulp beginnings? They not Shakespeare.

Hulk get nostalgic looking at this photo. Hulk too old to keep shouting. Drunk Hulk, Feminist Hulk, asshole Hulks all Hulking it up on Tweeter. Brand now officially diluted. Hulk not green anymore, Hulk piss yellow.

Anyway.

Hulk think we can all agree that Eric Bana good kid but Ang Lee better suited to directing gay cowboy Jane Austin camping furniture adaptations than Marvel epic HULK SMASH, etc.

Hulk just sayin’.

Then, look out! Here come Edward Norton to fuck with my shit.

Hulk have nothing personal against Ed Norton. Can not beat him as a person. HA HA, actually can beat him. But he great environmentalist, smart guy — take $130 off Hulk playing black jack. Okay, Ed Norton kind of a dick.

Now, NOW, sexy Mark Ruffalo sneak in back door, think Hulk not looking. Hulk smell sexy Mark Ruffalo two miles off. Cats smell, too, start spraying front porch.

Cats disgusting animals. Like boxes of shit in house? Get cat. Hulk get two from shelter, feel bad. Now just boxes of shit everywhere, cat hair all over throw pillows, sneezing! Hulk eat whole box of Claritin just to open eyes after can sleep on face all night.

HULK DIGRESS.

So, okay, whole movie not about Hulk, movie called “Avengers,” Hulk just co-starring. Hulk deal with it, ego fully under control. But not pleasing how charming actor Johnny Storm from Fantastic Four — “Flame on!” — that guy — now suddenly Captain America? Hopes for Fantastic Four Part Three: Hulk Hold Hands with Jessica Alba now cruelly dashed.

Hulk need more purpose in life than Hollywood hamster wheel provide. Hulk e-mail full of spam. Hulk not need Viagra. (Hulk just sayin’.)

Comments

comments

14 Responses to “HULK CONFUSED”

  • Like boxes of shit in house? Get cat.

    [Runs off to cafepress to make a bumpersticker.]

  • Mark RuffaFRO is staring into my soul.

  • HULK SMASH! That’s going to be my entire agenda for my staff meeting tomorrow.

  • This is the greatest thing I have seen all day.

  • I am so feeling ya, Hulk. I shed a little tear looking at Bill Bixby. Those were the days, man.

  • Oh. Man. This is terrific. Kelli just sayin’.

  • Eden outdone herself. Momo crying.

  • Oh god, this entire post was a riot, but the one I’m stealing?

    HULK DIGRESS.

    Dy. Ing!!!!

  • ‘Like boxes of shit in house? Get cat.’

    actually laughed out loud and looked around starbucks, and yes people were staring…it was worth it.

    i felt like saying it outloud to let everyone else in on it. but then thought that i might be committed due to the randomness of the entire situation.

    we love us some hulk in this house.
    can’t get enough of a green man with tight ripped purple shorts.

  • I too, wanted to see Fantastic Four Part Three: Hulk Hold Hands with Jessica Alba. Alas.

  • We have a liquor store here called Bergbiglia’s. Ever time we pass it, I say “BERBIGLIA!” and Chris says “I am the Hulk, I am the Hulk, I am the Hulk”. We think we’re very funny.

    Also, I know it’s probably un-patriotic to say this out loud, but…I’ve never liked Captain America. There. I’ve said it. Whew.

  • Mrs. Kennedy? Thank yoyso, so much for writing this. I really needed the full on belly-laugh that some of those lines gave me. You should have Hulk “guest-blog” more often. Absolutely hilarious.

  • Actually, I can’t wait for my old cat to drop dead. He shits more in one day than my four children do in a week. Can Hulk come over and sit on him?

    we are getting a dog….or a fish. no more shit boxes.