Hulk last one to hear that new movie in works about Hulk’s life, Hulk’s struggles, Hulk’s search for love in cold, indifferent universe. The usual. People already know this story, think Hulk to self! Why everybody co-opt Hulk’s story, think they can make brutal poetry on the back of Hulk’s pulp beginnings? They not Shakespeare.
Hulk get nostalgic looking at this photo. Hulk too old to keep shouting. Drunk Hulk, Feminist Hulk, asshole Hulks all Hulking it up on Tweeter. Brand now officially diluted. Hulk not green anymore, Hulk piss yellow.
Hulk think we can all agree that Eric Bana good kid but Ang Lee better suited to directing gay cowboy Jane Austin camping furniture adaptations than Marvel epic HULK SMASH, etc.
Hulk just sayin’.
Then, look out! Here come Edward Norton to fuck with my shit.
Hulk have nothing personal against Ed Norton. Can not beat him as a person. HA HA, actually can beat him. But he great environmentalist, smart guy — take $130 off Hulk playing black jack. Okay, Ed Norton kind of a dick.
Now, NOW, sexy Mark Ruffalo sneak in back door, think Hulk not looking. Hulk smell sexy Mark Ruffalo two miles off. Cats smell, too, start spraying front porch.
Cats disgusting animals. Like boxes of shit in house? Get cat. Hulk get two from shelter, feel bad. Now just boxes of shit everywhere, cat hair all over throw pillows, sneezing! Hulk eat whole box of Claritin just to open eyes after can sleep on face all night.
So, okay, whole movie not about Hulk, movie called “Avengers,” Hulk just co-starring. Hulk deal with it, ego fully under control. But not pleasing how charming actor Johnny Storm from Fantastic Four — “Flame on!” — that guy — now suddenly Captain America? Hopes for Fantastic Four Part Three: Hulk Hold Hands with Jessica Alba now cruelly dashed.
Hulk need more purpose in life than Hollywood hamster wheel provide. Hulk e-mail full of spam. Hulk not need Viagra. (Hulk just sayin’.)