I like nothing more than a good holiday where I feel completely justified in buying myself a bunch of stuff that celebrates just how awesome I am. Also, if it’s a national holiday that excludes people who identify primarily as male, and divides women into uneasy procreational factions? EVEN BETTER.
I’ve been unloading a lot of stuff on eBay and Craigslist, so I felt like as long as I’m stimulating the local economy and a certain day is just around the corner, I could go ahead and buy myself a little treat.
It’s a used Raleigh three-speed with bad brakes and it suits me to a tee. I’m not one to anthropomorphize but I may have to give her a name.
Something that says Sherwood Forest with a hint of World War II, perhaps.
Some of you may be wondering how Let’s Panic is doing, sales-wise, and the answer is that it’s chugging along nicely and if all goes well we’ll get a little bump from Mother’s Day. Luckily, St. Martin’s still has a couple of gift bags left over from when the book first came out, so I’m giving one away! It’s a tote bag that contains a copy of the book, as well as:
- an electric “back” massager
- a stress ball thing for squeezing in your sweaty fist
- an anti-stress bath soak
- a meditation CD
- Anne Taintor shot glasses
- an exclusive Let’s Panic Subversive Cross Stitch set
I have personally bought two of those cross-stitch sets. I haven’t started stitching them yet because Osama bin Laden is dead under the cold, dark sea and I’ve been far too busy hugging my son and remembering 9/11 to look for my embroidery needle.
If you want to win the gift bag, leave a comment telling us something you learned from your mom, good or bad, I don’t care. One thing my mom taught me was always to plant lily of the valley in the shade. Another thing she taught me was not to buy more yarn than you can hope to knit in your lifetime unless you want your estate sale to be set upon by frizzy-haired women in comfortable shoes.
I’ll choose a random commenter and announce the winner on Thursday Wednesday afternoon! You may not get your bag in time for Mother’s Day (because I should have done this last week) but we’ll try!
Hi, pookie. My mom taught me that it’s better to forgive and move on. She’s a good egg, that one.
My Mom taught me that good manners will take you far. Hell yeah, Mom
My mom taught me it’s okay to need psychological help! In fact, sometimes it’s biologically preordained!
(Also, she taught me to have a sense of humor about things like that.)
My mother taught me that couples who live together have the illusion of freedom, and couples who marry have the illusion of security, but they are really all in the same boat. Not sure if that is a good lesson or a terrible lesson, but there it is, nonetheless.
My mom taught me how to make amazing biscuits by the time I was three, and I’ve been obsessed with baking ever since.
My mom taught me that it’s perfectly acceptable to have a drink when someone close to you dies unexpectedly. And then she mixed me a white russian. I was 15.
That bike is awesome!
My mother taught me that I should be prepared to support myself financially, because even if I get married, you never know what will happen (she, a child of the 50s, me a child of the 70s — and divorce).
My mom always said it was necessary to take “mental health days” occasionally and that it was an acceptable reason to call in sick to work.
My Ma taught me, that as bad as things may seem – they WILL turn around! Keep plugging away!
My mom taught me to put rosemary oil in my hair and to drive a stick shift.
My mom (and grandmother, who helped raise me) always told me to never move a broom when changing residences. You throw the old one away at the old house and buy a new one. I think it’s a Mississippi/country/too-close-to-New-Orleans-not-to-be-afraid-of-voodoo/thing.
My mom taught me to be friendly and talk to people already. Yes, now. It’s not as scary as it seems.
My mom taught me how to set the table.
i want that bike!
Mom taught me that only “working girls” wear red and black together (which yielded some awkward feelings when I donned my high school cheerleading uniform in the same color scheme), and that it was illegal to drive barefoot. And how to make the best pancakes in the whole wide world.
My mom got her pilot’s license when she turned 50. I’m not sure of the EXACT lesson I learned from this, but I know it has something to do with following your dreams.
My mom taught me to NEVER under any circumstances comment/question a woman on her potential pregnancy. Maybe she’s just bloated! Maybe she isn’t keeping it! Maybe she’s super happy to be a mom! Either way, not a single time is it any of your goddamn business. Unless you’re watching the child exit her vagina, it is not an appropriate topic of conversation.
Thanks mom!
Nice bike!
My mother taught me (unintentionally) that spending your days drinking wine from a box and lying in the sun is not conducive to aging gracefully.
my mom taught me the value of the mental health day, for which i will be forever grateful!
My mom taught me to always clean the bathroom before company comes over.
That bike IS AWESOME! Not as awesome as mine, but damn close! http://www.ecovelo.info/2009/11/18/a-new-bike-and-some-new-friends/
My mom taught me to always be prepared to take care of myself. Even if I ended up with Mr Wonderful, (I did) she wanted me to know I could make it on my own.
My mom taught me that you can’t let fear run your life. I guess I’ve always been a scaredy cat. Good advice nonetheless.
My mom taught me that breakfast is more than fine for dinner. She also taught me that if my kids misbehave, a three-hour lecture will set them straight if only because they won’t want to have to endure another one.
She didn’t teach me to enter contests with the intention of giving the prize to my wife, but I think she’d approve.
My mom home-schooled me for half my school days, so she taught me a lot. I remember how to read, but my math skills are questionable now. I blame public school though.
I have a similar vintage Raleigh. I love it. I replaced the brake pads with kool stops and they don’t squeal anymore. Jealous that you have the pump!
My mom taught me how to knit and sew, and also taught me that I didn’t need to follow patterns or fashions if I didn’t want to. Kind of amazing how having control of your appearance can free you from so much.
My mom taught me that a woman is in control of her own life, but there is nothing like the support of a loving partner to enhance it.
Oh, and to end a run in your panty hose, daub on clear nail polish.
My mother taught me that if my feet were cold, I should put a hat on. Mind you, she once let me leave the house and cycle all the way to school wearing a pixie hat with a bobble on a string INSIDE OUT so the bobble was caught on the side of my head like some macabre head tumour. Thanks, Mum!
My mom taught me that complaining about pain doesn’t lessen it, so why bother? She’s the strongest chronically sick woman I know.
My mother taught me that a good soak in the bath will make everything better. And this year is my first Mothers’ Day as a mother!
My mom tried to teach me to play bridge, but I just don’t get card games. She fared better with teaching me all she knows about gardening.
My mother-in-law taught me to never draw for an inside straight.
My mother taught me that your education is something no one can ever take away from you.
Something My Mother Taught Me:
“Our family NEVER drives in the left lane!!!”
I didn’t listen.
my mom taught me to save rubberbands. our rubberband ball is too big for the drawer now, and if it falls off the counter it will break toes.
My Mom taught me how to pack….anything. Suitcase, package for mailing, moving boxes, the dishwasher. It’s like a clown car of packing!
I’d like to say she taught me how to love my own children and family and treasure them but really I took one thing away from my relationship with her:
separate the beef, the chicken and the pork at the store when bagging it. I remind my customers all the time.
My mom taught me how to sew. And that even somebody else’s birthday can be all about you.
put some lipstick on and put your shoulders back.
My mother taught me to love reading and how to deal with extreme passive aggression – only listen to the words not the subtext.
Oh, that bike is reeeeaaally cool.
My mother taught me not to borrow trouble.
always. document. everything.
I really like your new bike.
My mother taught me to use the words “nether regions” to refer to one’s private parts.
Don’t share my mascara. Or earrings, unless I want The Hep.
My mother and I had a complicated relationship, plus she developed early-onset dementia when I was 20-something and died 8 years ago. But her evident dissatisfaction with her life taught me to not give up my own to raise my children and that I need to be a PERSON as well as a MOTHER.
I leave this even though, living in France, I’m pretty sure I don’t qualify for this contest (us overseas-ers rarely do). But for information, Mothers’ Day isn’t till 29 May here…
By the way, as a Brit who grew up (at least part of my childhood) not a million miles from Sherwood, can I suggest ‘Marian’ as a name for your lovely bike? She was Robin’s sweetheart and a feisty miss by all accounts…
My Mom taught me that you can be ‘one hot ticket’ after age 50 (by example), how to make the most amazing clam chowder in the universe (although I’m a vegetarian now but this stuff is seriously good), and that you must hug the ones you love and tell them that you love them every single time they walk out the door, whether they want you to or not, because it’s important and matters, and if you send them to school with a lipstick kiss-mark on their cheek, even better.
I have bicycle jealousy.
My mom taught me to make strawberry jam, how to knit, how to sew, how to make a bed, and many, many other things to numerous to list.
My mother taught me how to gracefully accept ribbing about one’s mistakes. And relatedly, how to laugh at myself.
My Mum bought me my first bike which was a red Raleigh Tomohawk. It was badass and I miss it dearly.
My mom taught me passive-aggressive behavior. Thanks, Mom!
My mom taught me that sometimes, a good laugh is just as effective as a good cry. And way more fun.
P.S. Nice bike!
Nice bike!
My mom taught me it’s never too late to try.
My mother taught me never to buy a chicken already cut up, because “maybe one of his legs rotted off and they just stuck another chicken’s leg in there.”
I looooove reading all of these!
My mom taught me to love Carol Burnett, Doris Day and The Sound of Music. She taught me to sing at the top of your lungs, to dance while cleaning, and that when the “sh*t hits the fan” it’s your girl-friends who will get you through.
This won’t really count as something “learned,” so feel free to leave me out of the drawing. Also? My mom would be so embarrassed because she’s a teetotaller and mortified of her wicked past. But she once told me that during her brief bout of social drinking, she only drank rum and cokes. So what was the first cocktail I toasted to her name? You guessed it. My mom inadvertantly saved me from asking a bartender what I should order and getting my underaged ass kicked out of a Bakersfield nightclub. Thanks, Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!
My mother taught me that no matter how bad things get, when a mom rubs your head gently and just listens, it will all work out. And I do this now with my child.
My mother taught me to slow down. I have a tendency to over-commit, and my mother is always the voice in my head saying, “You can’t do it all. Better to do a few things well than everything poorly.” Which sounds depressing, but it isn’t to me
My mom taught me so very many things……..use it all, you paid for it…….you can change the pattern you’re stitching…….it’s yours & it’ll be one-of-a-kind…..kill them with kindness……loads of cooking stuff……damn. I miss my mom.
I learned absolutely NOTHING from my mother. And that is why I have been on this long twisted road learning life through trial and error (many)..UGH…thanks friends for helping me find my way… happy friend’s day to you.
My mom taught me to keep a stiff upper lip, to be a strong independent woman and to follow my dreams. She also taught me that you should always fill your gas tank when it gets to 1/4 tank. I have never run out of gas.
My mom taught me how and when to curse. Always useful.
hmmm.. how to narrow it down?
the importance of family
I learned from my mom that if your husband pisses you off, leave the kids with him and go to the movies.
My mom taught me that we don’t talk about IT, that a gin and tonic is the best possible summer drink, and that you should always leave the descant for either the penultimate or the final verse.
My mother taught me not to worry about things I can’t do anything about.
My mom taught me that when baking bread you have to be the boss of yeast, otherwise, it will be the boss of you. Say to it, “I am the boss of you.” Perfect bread, every time. Thanks mom.
My mom taught me to dance in the kitchen while working and also that life is sometimes a bit#&.
My mom taught me that just because I am a girl, it does not make me incapable of doing something.
Because of her I can cook, sew, and garden. But also, I rock at taking a part the bathroom sink, rewiring a lamp, and building a kick ass fire.
My mom taught me not to let the double boiler emit steam, or your chocolate will seize. (Which means you have to do it again, and it will be a longer wait to eat chocolate soup. Or make brownies. We have different goals when we bake goods at Christmas…)
My mom taught me to pick my battles. I HATED this advice for years and saw it as giving in, but turns out she was right.
I also HATE when that happens.
My mom taught me that the Smurfs were demonic (as were He-Man and any show with magic in it). Luckily, we both came to our senses. I’m really glad the Harry Potter movies didn’t come out in the 80′s, because I would have been that kid who was forbidden by her hyper-religious mother to see the Harry Potter movies.
My mom taught me that saving change makes a big difference. She sent a family of 6 to Disney on the change she saved. I’m not doing the same thing for my much smaller family.
my mama taught me that sometimes visiting (and feeding) the elephants who are in town with the circus is more important than going to school. she was right.
I AM doing the same thing for my much smaller family.
My mom taught me that “because” is a great reason!
My mom taught me that there is always enough love to go around.
Mom taught me to balance on the back of a schwinn that looks very much like your bike! Nice find!
My mom taught me that it wasn’t a magic hubcap; the magic was inside me all along.
Also, she taught me how to make kickass potato salad.
My mom taught me that butter is better.
My Mom taught me not to lie and she taught me how to sew. Both character building lessons.
Always pack a pair of practical shoes. Unfortunately, her idea of practical shoes were not my idea of practical.
“If you don’t love it, don’t buy it!” Can’t tell you how many Benjamins this has saved me over the years!
My step-mom taught me it’s never too late to go back to school and do what you really want to do. My mom taught me it’s never too late to repair a rocky relationship with your daughter if you are patient and persistent and loving enough.
My mom taught me how to make a strawberry pie that’s so good that if you dropped it on the street, I’d stop traffic while I sent some bystander off to get me a fork.
My mom taught me to how someone can raise 2 kids, work full-time, finish her PhD, let us have pets, take fun road trips and still have time and energy to grow a beautiful garden. Actually she didn’t teach me those things, she did those things. I have no idea how to do them. Still trying to figure out her secrets.
Always keep a screwdriver and hammer handy.
Kate-I wish more mothers gave your mom’s advice.
My dad taught me why we no longer buy cars with carburetors – fuel injection baby!
This is a wonderful giveaway. Mom taught me to do embarrassing things in public and not feel self-conscious. I haven’t entirely learned yet, but she sets a good example. She also taught me to save everything (which is actually a bad habit but I’ve toned it way down compared to her).
My mother taught me, through actions more than words, how to be a strong, intellegent and empowered woman.
I always thought my mom couldn’t teach me a single thing. Then I turned 25 and realized how much wisdom that woman had to give to me, her only daughter. She died when I was 28, but those last three years we soaked each other up and really had a wonderful relationship. I miss you, mom. Everyday, I tell my girls something about you. I wish you could have met them.
I love reading these.
My mom taught me that if you aren’t happy with how something turned out, call back and complain as nicely as possible and as long as necessary until it’s fixed. Her house was recently damaged by a tornado, and I think she’s had her gutters re-installed twice, precisely because she wasn’t convinced they were done properly the first two times!
My mom taught me that people need loving the most when they deserve it the least- and proved it by loving me despite my teenagerishness.
my mom taught me to (1.) balance a checkbook, (2.) include a personal anecdote in thank you notes so they don’t simply thank the giver for the gift, (3.) to make a manhattan and (4.) how to hail a cab.
How about something my grandma taught me, does that count? She taught me how to make the world’s greatest chili. As well as the world’s greatest fried chicken. And biscuits! Amazing biscuits. Basically, what I’m saying is she taught me how to cook foods that are terrible for you, but oh so delicious.
Potty-training… That’s about all I got from her.
My mom taught me that you can always pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over, no matter how many times you fall down.
My mother taught me that if you do something badly often enough, you won’t be asked to do it again. This is how she managed to get all 4 of us kids doing our own laundry, my dad to do his own ironing, and all of us to do the cooking.
My mom taught me to trim roses underwater so that they don’t get an air bubble in their stems and then wilt in the vase. Oh, and also to put on a little lipstick, please, you look so much better with some color in your face.
My mom taught me that “It’s Wednesday!” is a great reason to drink champagne. Don’t put off the good stuff until tomorrow, enjoy today.
My mom taught me to keep calm and carry on. She raised 8 of us, hardly raising her voice.
My mom taught me not to trust the person who tells you ugly things someone else has said about you. They are getting to pass on the pain without having to take responsibility for it. Nice people don’t do that.
My mom taught me to unplug the garage door opener if you don’t want your husband to gain entry to the house. Also, baby oil makes great suntan lotion. The pop tops from Tab soda make cute bracelets.
My mom taught me how to sew and I am grateful for that skill (even if I sewed through my finger in middle school). And to not “chaunk” (her word) my gum.
I already have a copy of the book (and no hope in hell to learn how to cross stitch), but I wish I could LIKE some of these comments.
My mom taught me that swimming is more fun than worrying about whether or not you look fat in your swimsuit.
My mom taught me that nobody buys the cow if the milk is free. I taught her that sometimes the damn cow isn’t for sale. We get along quite nicely now.
My Mom taught me: Say nothing that you can be held to; and nothing unless you’re compelled to.
p.s. I checked your book out of the library this weekend.
My mom taught me how to be a lady, but I wasn’t paying attention.
I love her, though, and she loves me.
My mother taught me to always write down the stories that went with photographs. She was a scrapbooker before scrapbooking was cool (and I’m so grateful to have all the stories – she died when I was ten).
My mother taught me that not all illnesses or injuries are doctor worthy. Probably because she had five kids.
My mom taught me how to navigate streets in my hometown. House numbers and the grid system were a total mystery until she explained it to me.
My mother taught me that it’s better to feel nothing than to feel heartbroken.
When loading the washer, put your clothes in at the 3, 6, 9, and 12 positions of a clock face. That way it will be nicely balanced.
thanks mom!
my mom taught me the art of talking to the wall.
its therapeutic, really it is, and so much cheaper then paying someone to sit there and respond the same way.
She taught me how to be kind.
My mom taught me to not be afraid to ask for help. Also to offer help when someone else has been brave enough to ask for it.
My mom taught me to never leave the house without my “bobs and lips” aka earrings and lipstick. I disobey her daily… but never when we’re in the same town.
My mom taught me to sing Dwight Yoakam at the top of my lungs when I am feeling blue.
My mom taught me to be kind. I’m grateful to her.
My mom taught me how to cook, taught to be a lady in society, to take care of others and give respect and be kind without expecting something in exchange. She taught all the good things, also to learn from mistakes, to share, to smile…all I am today is thanks to her, and I will always be grateful and pray God give her health for many years from now on. Love you mom :*:*
Most importantly, my mom taught me how to love…
my mom taught me to always wear clean underwear… because you never know.
thanks, mom!
Expiration dates on groceries are merely suggestions. This usually works out well for us.
My mom taught me to put family first.
My mother taught me that you should never embarrass your mother.
I learned that there’s not enough Febreze or wintermint gum in the world to mask the smell of a lifelong smoker. I also learned that bad grammar makes you appear low-class, and that there is a subtle but distinct difference between being “tacky” and being “common”.
My mom taught me that whether or not you are confident if you can look confident no one can tell the difference.
My momma taught me to do all my lovin’ from the oven.
I have a very large ass. She really loves me.
My mom taught me to make the best, fall apart on the plate, practically melt in your mouth pot roast.
My mom taught me how to nurture relationships that are meaningful and to drop the ones that are really not worth your time. It’s a hard thing to let a friendship go, but some really aren’t worth it and I feel like those I do hang on to mean more to me now.
That bike is rad.
My mother hen. I love her terribly, but she smothered all three of her sons. Now they’re incapable of living in the real world. Luckily, I got away! You mean well, mummy.
My mom taught me that if you feel the need to be right all the time, you’ll be lonely… But she didn’t mean to.
That bike is fabulous!
My mom taught me how to have a discussion without having winners and losers. That everyone can have an opinion, and no one has to be wrong.
My mom taught me that a long nap, a showing of It’s a Wonderful Life, and a Route 44 Cherry Limeade from Sonic makes most any situation immediately better.
I learned that the floor isn’t really clean unless you’ve gotten down on your knees to scrub it. I think the last time I did that was when my first child was starting to crawl and I was protecting her from dirt. The second child loves dirt.
My mom is an amazingly strong woman. My dad was paralyzed when they were both 30, and my mom went from being a stay at home mom to being the backbone of our family. Dad had always worked and paid the bills while Mom handled the household. Mom took over everything while learning how to care for Dad and ensuring that my sister and I had as close to the same life as was possible.
Mom taught me that while life is hard, and sometimes sucks hard, we are strong enough to continue and to find our joy even in the midst of hell.
I’m not sure why I have a brain block on this. I know my mom taught me loads of stuff, good and bad, but people keep asking this question, and I keep drawing a complete blank. Like I emerged from my mother’s womb with all of the knowledge I needed in order to attain the experiences that I’ve attained and thus become the person I am today without any outside help. But I know that can’t possibly be true.
Well…I guess she taught me to have separate scissors for paper and fabric. It was kinda funny when she was up here to help after the most recent baby was born and I had to stop her from using my “good” scissors to cut a box or paper or something. That bit of OCD definitely came from her.
Oh, and don’t squish the bread!
SWEET BIKE!!! I want one.
My mom taught me how to can beans and clean chickens. Also how to be supremely passive-aggressive. Some of these things are more valuable than others.
My mother taught me height is not important, and as a result I didn’t think twice about marrying a lovely non-traditional man I tower over. Thanks Mom!
my mother taught me to never leave the house without a pair of earrings and to always wear more lipstick.
My mom taught me the icky history lesson that in the olden days ladies used “belts” to secure their “pads”. Because that’s how she rolled well into the late ’70s.
The awesome lesson she taught me was that the best fudge is from the recipe on the back of the Kraft marshmallow fluff jar, if you add a shitload of extra walnuts.
My mom taught me that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ll never be good enough.
She also taught me how to make pot roast in the Crock Pot, but it’s that other thing that’s really stuck with me.
My mom taught me sarcasm. And I’m awesome at it.
My mom taught me just the ride shade of yellow to look for when making scrambled eggs with milk. To this day, when I make scrambled eggs, people ask how I get them “just right.”
My mom taught me to clean the house before you go on vacation so that when you come home, you have one less thing to do. Plus, in the event that you’re robbed while you’re away, the thieves will at least admire your housekeeping!
I learned from my mom that you shouldn’t grow pot plants in the backyard if you have a friendly gregarious 6 year old who might invite the mailman into the backyard to see her snail collection. So I know not to do that now.
I’m sure I’ve learned other things too, but that really stuck with me for some reason
My mom taught me not to kill one’s daughter when she is young, because someday she might bear a child on whom you will heap a ridiculous amount of love. Yep, I’m glad my mom didn’t kill me when I was a teenager. She certainly had reason, but now being a grandparent is paying her back a hundredfold.
My mom taught me a lot of valuable lessons, but the most important was that if you’re gonna be a hoochie, go all out and own it. “Hoochie Ma” was always rockin it.
My taught me to own up and take responsiblity for whatever it was! Own it!
Also, smile and talk to people – remember everyone’s name. Which I’ve learned kinda freaks people out.
My mom is a teacher, and one thing she taught us is: being educated means knowing where to look up the information. Also, something that helped me a lot: when you have to take an oral examination, keep talking as much as you can. You’ll have a chance to show your knowledge and it limits the chance they’ll get to asking you something you don’t know.
She also taught me that an important part of leaving your day at work behind you is stripping down upon entering the house and getting rid of that damn bra. While I’m sure teaching that was unintentional, I’m still following her on that one to a t.
My mom taught me that “the vagina is an expandable organ” in response to my lament that I could only use slender regular tampons instead of the regular ones. She’s right you know!
My mom taught me how to love, how to be strong and how to be a great mom.
My mom taught me not to be so hard on myself, which came in handy when she passed on her shoe obsession to me and I felt guilty for buying so many.
Mom taught me how to sew, the value of good shoes and that it’s good to always have a book or two on hand for reading.
My mother taught me that a woman can never have too many pairs of shoes.
My mom taught me how to run like hell whenever she took he slipper off!
My mom taught me to always wear sunscreen.
my mom taught me an awesome pie crust. and how to cross-stitch.
I came in to your comments to see if Ian had said anything about your new bike, but there are waaaaay too many to scan.
Hooray for the book doing well, and happy early Mother’s Day to you!
My mom taught me that sometimes it is better to be raised by wolves.
I love both moms, the real one and the wolf one.
My mom taught me how to can tomatoes. Yummy in the middle of winter!
My mom taught me how to weave a lot of good rationalizations, forming protection against a fitness routine or too many fresh vegetables. Also that, served with a slice of American cheese (for nutrition), birthday cake is an acceptable breakfast food.
My Mom taught me to never pay for parking at a meter. She also taught me not to get upset if I got a ticket.
My mom taught me that just because the people you come from suck, that doesn’t mean you have to be awful too.
My mom taught me that the world would be a much happier place if everyone just wore sweatpants.
Great bike.
My Mom taught me how to knit and sew as soon as I could hold a needle. Also she taught me to always try to have fun no matter what I’m doing. That women knew how to have fun and people loved her for it.
Go to museums early in the day before they get all crowded. Also, check your seat when you leave the restaurant, to ensure you haven’t left things behind (book, umbrella, jacket, child).
My mom taught me to never talk to Purple People. She and my dad were (apparently) making a (funny-only-to-them) joke about how you’re constantly rattling off to your children a laundry-list of things not to do. “Don’t leave the front yard.” “Don’t run around corners.” “Don’t put olives in Mommy’s martini…. She’s on a diet.” So they invented the “Don’t talk to Purple People” rule whenever they left me and my sister alone. I was in college before I realized this was not a joke that all parents told their children. Maybe I was busy drinking those martinis I was supposed to make for Mom….
Also. Just found out I’m pregnant for the first time. With at least one. Maybe twins. Shit. So I totally deserve the “Let’s Panic” gift set. Can’t imagine my husband will think of Mother’s Day on his own. He’s asked me how old he is. Twice. This. Year.
My Mom taught me, well before I needed the knowledge, that the primary activity of playdates is moms chatting and drinking wine from large tumblers. If the kids play and no one is severely wounded, all the better. Lest I make her sound like an idle drunk, she also taught me the value of community service and pursuing many interests other than your kids/family.
One thing my mother forgot to teach me was what your mother taught you: “. . . not to buy more yarn than you can hope to knit in your lifetime unless you want your estate sale to be set upon by frizzy-haired women in comfortable shoes.” Consequently, my mother now lives in my master bedroom & both her yarn & mine (but way more mostly mine) fills up boxes & boxes in my garage. It’s too soon to know whether the yarn will outlive me or not (I’d bet on the yarn), but, unfortunately, I’ve already become one of those frizzy-haired women in comfortable shoes–& I did once buy yarn (some of which is still in my garage) at an estate sale.
My mom taught me to consider Prozac.
My mom showed all 4 of her kids that sliced hotdogs in barbeque sauce eaten with toothpicks underneath the dining room table was nothing but a PARTY! I had a fabulous childhoood…THANKS MOM!
My mom told me that I was weird, which bothered me once, until I realized how strange we all were, and how much she loved me because of my unique qualities. I love my mom. She’s the reason I’m the mom I am today. Happy Mother’s Day!
My mum taught me how to sew straight seams, how to cook by experimentation, how to have an internal life that is my very own, and how to be cheerful in adversity. Sometimes that last one involves singing loudly and speaking in a Pepe-Le-Pew-style masculine French accent in order to crack yourself up.
My mom taught me many things, but the first things to come to mind are: be kind, and be thankful. Even better, she sets a great example of both attributes.
My mom taught me that bathroom humor is the best kind.
My mom taught me how to make the perfect cup of tea!
My mom taught me to hide the evidence or at least to put my damn wrappers in the trash.
My mother taught me that properly fitted or tailored clothes are the most flattering. It took me a long time to realize she was right — the 1980s really did a number on me.
My mom taught me the following sayings, which she learned from my grandfather:
1. He didn’t know whether to shit or go blind, so he closed one eye and farted.
2. It just makes my ass want a soda cracker.
I have been looking for opportunities to use the second one, but I’m not sure what it really means, so no luck yet.
My mom taught me how to walk down stairs without looking at them. Mom claims it is important for ladies to have impeccable “carriage”. You wouldn’t think that would be a useful skill, until you had to be in a wedding party and walk while looking at the photographer.
Seeing that awesome bike reminded me that my mom taught me how to ride a bike, a process that was exceedingly traumatic. Hence, my own daughter (now 10) barely can stay upright on hers – I didn’t want to repeat the experience.
I learned never to take any of my mom’s advice ever. Yes, never, ever. Ever. No, not then either. ….And, nope. Never.
My mom taught me that life isn’t fair, amongst other gems. But that one has been the best prep for adult life.
My mom taught me never to loose faith in myself and believe that I can do anything. She’s the engine of our family and always knows how to put me back on track.
My mom taught me that the word margarita should ALWAYS be pronounced marg-you-rita, and it should be yelled more loudly the more of them you drink!
My Mom taught me to be a forgiving person. I manage that maybe 90% of the time, which is pretty good, I think.
My mom taught me how to throw a curve ball.
My mom taught me that good girls swear like sailors, eat takeout instead of spending time cooking, and don’t apologize to people who don’t understand them. (My mom is pretty badass.)
My mom taught me that everyone has their own reality. My is full of cartoon rainbows and vodka. Yay, me!
Ah, Raleighs – I had an old blue one I called Duchess.
As for what I learned from my mom, she taught me the proper way to set a table, amongst many other great things like importance of education, the need for a woman to be financially and emotionally independent, and that good posture is a necessity, even when talking to someone on the phone.
My mom taught me to always wear lipstick and toenail polish, and never rely on a man.
My mom taught me that kids are the greatest gift ever and worth sacrificing for. Other than that, I don’t recall many useful things she has taught me. She was too busy caring for her numerous kids.
My mom taught me to add vinegar to white rice so it will stay blindingly white while cooking. Secret restaurant trick!
My mother taught me to “Never be a Doris doormat”. Over and over and over again! Doris must’ve been a crazy slut!
When I was whining about a big pimple or telling her how “gross” I was, my mom said “quit your whining, I don’t make ugly babies!”… even today, when I’m not feeling my best, I can look at myself in the mirror and hear that in my head!
My mom taught me that I really can’t pull off a perm. Or bangs. Thanks for all the bad haircuts Mom!
My mom taught me to sneak snacks into the movie theater. And she called them “goodies.”
My mom taught me so much. To laugh, mostly, but also to live and take advantage of life – because it is short – and to love and be kind and think the best of people no matter how many times they let you down.
she taught me that when you canoodle with betrothed noodles, you may wake one morning with a mattress jammed against the front door, leaving the occupants (incld a 5 year old me) unable to get out of the house.
My mama taught me how to peel a potato with a knife, without cutting my thumb off.
When I was 17, my mother informed me I was too innocent, and she handed me a copy of “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask.” When I was 21, she called me long distance at college and asked me to explain the phone call she’d received a few minutes earlier because she suspected it was obscene. With the help of that little paperback she’d given me in high school, I was able to assure her that it was most definitely obscene.
Way back in my single days, my mom found a succint way to point out that I perhaps should officially end a relationship with one boy before beginning a new one with another boy: “You should use the restroom before you pour yourself another glass of water”.
My mom taught me to knit, which my husband probably hates!
My mother taught me to fear driving a stick shift. To this day, I sweat and hyperventilate at the thought of having to drive one.
I learned all kinds of hilarious expressions from my mother. Stuff like, “You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’” and “I’m gonna’ tan your hide!” She also told me, “Don’t sleep around or your gonna’ get a rep,” which had me laughing for days!
Your bike is beautiful. I’m thinking that if it was mine, I’d call it The Grasshopper. Probably sometimes with that Mr. Miyagi accent.
My mom always says that “no one feels sorry for the girl on the yacht.” I’m still not sure what it means. I think something about not complaining?
My mom taught me lots of good and valuable stuff – but she also taught me sugar is evil and I have craved it in great quantities ever since. I finally managed to conquer the craving halfway through my twenties, got a boyfriend, now am the mother of a baby girl and am trying to make sure she will never ever have any sugar in her life.
As my mother did with me. “And how did that work out for you?” asked my sister when she found out. Hmm.
Hello! My Mum taught me how to make the nicest cheesy baked potato in the World. She’s a rubbish cook usually, but her cheesy baked potato deserves its very own Michelin star!
My mom taught me to immediately put vanilla or cinnamon when you put eggs in baking something sweet so it doesn’t end up tasting “eggy”, and black pepper if baking something salty. Also, to always check if you left something inside your oven before turning it on. I’m a baker, so these rules are gold.
Oh, and of course she also taught me how to teach and be a good person. But the vanilla in eggs thing, that’s something else. lol
My mom taught me to make sure I my job paid me enough to take care of myself and my kids because you never know what will happen. She was a struggling single mom and she taught me a lot but that always pops up.in my mind.
To always be kind to others”, unfortunately I learned this not because she is, was or ever will be. A perfect example of how we love our Moms, warts and all~~
My mother taught me that you should “try the milk” before you “buy the cow” if you know what I mean. She is very progressive, and oh so European.
My parents married young and my mom stayed home to raise kids instead of starting a career. She wanted a different life for me, so she always told me to have my fun before getting married, and I took her words to heart. Of course she eventually regretted those words of wisdom; I was nearly 40 when I finally settled down.
When I was in first grade, someone on my bus called someone else a “lesbo,” so as soon as I told my mom that, she rushed to the bookstore and bought a book (with pictures!) about reproduction. I don’t know how or why that word flipped a switch in her brain (it was 1970), but my takeaway lesson was to just keep an answer simple because ultimately, simplicity is sometimes the best answer!
My mom taught me that everything works out in the end.
My Mother taught me how to butcher a chicken and milk a cow. She also taught me that “If you don’t stand up for your kids, no one else will either”, and quite a few other things.
my mom taught me to affect a crisp, no-nonsense telephone voice.
My mom taught me to be both hard-assed and compassionate; tight-fisted and generous. Nice trick, yeah?
Worry about yourself, not others. As in, take care of what you need to take care of, and don’t butt into other’s business.
My mom taught me to never, ever wear orange and green together. (She is Irish, and this was at the height of The Troubles.)
My mom taught me that to be attractive and self-destructive is like *catnip* to a certain kind of man.
I can’t sustain that kind of drama, however.
One good thing she taught me: Even older children like it when you read aloud to them. My ds is 12 and I still do it from time to time, even though he’s a good reader and likes to read. It’s a nice way to share a book.
My mom taught me how to make this awesome spaghetti sauce that just so happens to be in the crockpot now. She also taught me the importance of being on time to everything, since she’s always late to any & everything in the world.
My mother-in-law taught me (by example) that sending handwritten thank you notes is not as important as a phone call the day after receiving a gift/being treated out to a meal/being hosted – just to say thanks. (16 years later she’s started accepting/sending texts – but it HAS to be the day after.
My mom taught me that it’s best to hide the empty brandy bottles UNDER the bed. Because no one ever thinks to look under the bed. Unless, of course, they’ve already not thought to look in the nightstand drawer.
My mom taught me how to make spaghetti sauce which is good for producing delicious large-scale entertainment foodstuffs *and* attracting a mate. Win-win!
To pick and choose your battles – such as the ones she and I had when I was a teenager – and the ones I will surely have with my 2 daughters.
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