On January 18, 2012 by Eden M. Kennedy

I was looking around inside a 7-11 store today while Jackson was negotiating with the Coke nozzle on the Slurpee machine. (Are banana Slurpees new? I was disgusted at first, but then a wave of sense memory overcame me, and all my childhood summers of eating banana-flavored popsicles flooded my mouth, and icy fake-banana flavor sounds magnificent right now.) Jackson was struggling with getting the lid on his cup, and two older boys were waiting for him to get it together and get out of the way, and my first instinct was to help but then I thought I’d probably just embarrass him. So I wandered over to the refrigerator section with pre-made burritos, bologna, hotdogs, and ham, and I started thinking, “Those hotdogs definitely cause cancer and bologna makes me want to die, but I’d eat the ham. I wonder if I could live off of whatever I found in 7-11 for a month?” Thinking that, of course, tons of people make do with food from small markets, either by choice or because they don’t have a larger grocery store nearby. Our 7-11 has apples and bananas, small bags of flour and sugar, charcoal, a few cleaning supplies, 500 kinds of chewing gum, 20 kinds of lottery tickets, milk, butter, and beer, but no eggs. So if I were to shop at 7-11 and try to continue doing the Paleo thing, I’d be eating mostly packaged ham, apples, and water. I like to think I could make do anywhere, but I’m sure I’d be all, “One little bag of Doritos won’t hurt,” and that would lead to “One little six pack won’t hurt,” and it wouldn’t be long before I’d be practicing yoga in the nacho cheese dip aisle and living on Ben & Jerry’s. Now I’m actually barricaded inside a 7-11, indefinitely. I have a cot in the back room and I’m armed to the teeth. I’ve constructed a catapult out of cannibalized metal shelving and I’m mounting an after-hours attack on the Chevron station across the street. I’ve never liked the way they’re always .5 cents a gallon higher than the 76 station next to the freeway, where you can also get a free car wash. Yes, I’ll join forces with the inmates of Taquería Rincon Alteño and the laundromat, and soon we’ll control this whole exit. No one will use our restrooms except people who buy something first!



14 Responses to “Whoops”

  • I have long, involved daydreams like that too. Glad to know I’m not the only one!

  • You had me at “living off Ben & Jerry’s.”

  • Viva la Revelucion!

  • Ooh. I remember making artificial banana flavor in organic chemistry lab back in college. Horribly toxic chemicals went in: disturbingly banana-like smell came out! We also made a similar compound that was somewhat similar to something found in strawberries. It was … unconvincing. Probably what they put in Crunchberries. It wasn’t the most useless thing we learned in o-chem. Unless … wait. I got it! I volunteer to be the explosives manufacturer for your revolution.

  • Oh, I have such guilt-filled love for fake banana flavor! Someone last year told me the chemical name of whatever (probably extremely toxic) chemical compound produces it, and was long and terribly satisfying to say, and now I have forgotten what it is. Do you remember the little candies called Runts? Tiny fruit-shaped hard sugar candies? I loved those when I was little, and the banana shaped/flavoured ones were the best – I saved them for last every time.

  • Thank GOD I’m not the only person with a mind that meanders into scenarios like this…(and I know exactly what Chevron station your talking about….)

  • 1. You could change that category tag to “only people in/from Carp will find this funny.
    2. I grew up, and was in fact born (at home, not in an alley) directly behind what is now Rincon alteno and that particular 7-11 USED to be awesome when the owners were the nice Korean couple Soon and Yung. and there was $0.05 candy …and also dinosaurs roamed the earth. And they used to stock eggs and many more selections of actual food-ish items.
    3. Fake bananna is the best. Note to Miss B: Runts are still alive and well.
    4. I’d start some twinkies on fire and we’d make mac n cheese using the microwave, as I am NOT Paleo, when this happens.
    5. You do know you can get rad just-pressed carrot/carrot oj at T.R.A, right?

  • One of my favorite memories is receiving a 7-11 gift from a boyfriend of a slurpy (Flavor: Blue) in a container the size of a child’s sandbucket. It was probably 4,500 calories or something. It was like a giant joke stein of slurpydom. It cemented us together in ways never thought possible.

    Wait. Not like that.

    Anyway I am totally helping you make maltball bazookas.

  • I love fake banana flavour. And the banana slurpy things are great. Almost enough to make me willing to go into a 7-Eleven. BUT did you know that the honeybee attack pheromone is the same chemical? Not a super-useful factoid, unless you are a beekeeper. Which I am. No more banana candy before working the hives.

  • Apocalypse scenario is EXACTLY why I’d never live Paleo. Did you not think of where it leads woman? It starts with a c and ends with an ism. [cough] Hannibal Lector [cough]

    A commitment to carbs could keep you from going down that dark path. Also, Doritos!

  • Wow. That is quite an imagination you have there. I’m envious!

  • Sounds like the ketosis has gone to your head. Or maybe you’d make an excellent speculative fiction author in addition to your other authorships. (Not to be confused with author’s hips.)