Not dead yet

On October 26, 2012 by Eden M. Kennedy

My god, I’ve been sick. I’m so healthy most of the time! I must save up my allotment of not-so-hot feeling days and then have them all at once, once a year, when my immune system’s feeling just a little too smug. I could see it coming, days ahead, it was like a slow-rolling tsunami. I had plenty of time to cancel appointments and pack, tell my boss things weren’t looking good. It hit in the middle of the night, and all my hatches were battened except the one where I had to take Jackson to school the next morning.

There I was hunkered down over the espresso machine, making our usual morning coffees, a double cappuccino for me and a 12-ounce travel mug of milk with a shot of espresso for Jackson. (What, he likes coffee. I put half a packet of stevia in his because otherwise he’d demand four lumps of sugar, which = no.) We got in the car.

“Mom? Are you okay?”

“I don’t feel very good.”

“You don’t look very good.”

“Thanks, honey.”

I was hanging on pretty well, as well as you can hang on when you feel like absolute death. I really shouldn’t have had that sip of coffee, though. Nausea was not a welcome companion on our journey. Neither was Jackson’s morning playlist of Eminem’s greatest hits, even played at elevator-music level.

BITCH, I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

“Mom, are you okay?”

“I don’t feel very good.”

Jackson put his hand on my arm as we drove. He’s such a nice kid.

YOU DON’T
WANNA FUCK WITH SHADY
(why?)
CAUSE SHADY
WILL FUCKING KILL YOU

And in my head I’m all, “Help me, God, help me Oprah, help me Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me.” Except quietly and without punctuation. Helpmegodhelpmeoprah. Tomcruiseuseyourwitchcraft. Prayforusnowandatthehourofourdeath.

It was just comically awful: me feeling like a shit pancake, my son cheerfully programming his playlist of problematic white genius hip hop mayhem, my dog quietly farting in the back seat.

Naturally, I wasn’t done. I had to drag my animate carcass to CVS because Alka Seltzer Cold Medicine is the only thing that works, they don’t even have to pay me to say that, I will spread the word for free. Buy that shit. When the nice cashier says, “How are you today!” just croak, “I’m so sick” at her and she will give you your change with horrified fingers, it’s been proven in laboratory experiments time and again. I’m not even sure what that means.

I guess I must have made it home, and then I woke up and it was 2:00 p.m. And now it’s Friday, I think? How are you?

Yes, I was too sick to use a glass.

Fortunately, before all this went down I managed to put up another post at Babble, this one being a review of the latest J.K. Rowling book written in the form of Harry Potter fan fiction. I’m not sure what I’m going to do for an encore, I’m only halfway finished with Gone Girl, but maybe the cast of Twilight will have some opinions on it.

Comments

comments

10 Responses to “Not dead yet”

  • Aargh. I’ve been sick this week as well. Mostly chest stuff & an intermittent hacking cough. For this kind of sick, Mucinex is the bomb. Just sayin’. Glad you’ve come back to life.

    • Thank you. I’ve never tried Mucinex because Alka Seltzer Cold Medicine has raised me from the dead so many times before that my loyalty to it is unwavering. I realize, however, that other people have different bodies that respond to other medicines, and so blessings upon your head and upon your Kleenex box.

  • Hope you recover fully and in record time!! Your review of The Casual Vacancy was wonderful. I loved the book, couldn’t put it down and so my family hates the book since I “moved” to Pagford for the duration of my reading.

  • I’m so sorry you’re sick! My daughter, now almost nine, still recounts the time I vomited all over the side of the road after picking her up from preschool, when she was four. We make our way around the traffic circle… “Mommy, remember when you threw up RIGHT HERE?!” Yuck. Hope the Alka Seltzer does its magic and you’re back to you shortly.

  • In college, I got the flu (read: hangover), but had to catch a flight back home for the holidays. I was pale, sweaty, and wanted to tell my seatmate to shut the heck up. Instead, when his food finally arrived, I opened my mouth and threw up all over his tray. Wheeee!

    That’s how you make friends on a plane.

    Feel better, girl.

  • I’m sorry you’ve been sick. ASCM is my go-to, as well. And the night-time ASCM is what James Bond uses when he needs to feign death, it’s MAGICAL.

  • You guys are making me feel better and I didn’t even throw up.

  • NeoCitran!!! It is the European (and Canadian, also, I think — not British, though, because they have LemSip over there and it is vile and completely ineffectual) original version of thera-flu, except it both tastes nice and actually works (not to mention it will knock you right out, so it’s perfect for getting a good night of sleep). I buy a big box every time I am in Europe…and usually have to take some of it, too, since I almost always get sick when I’m travelling. It’s amazing magical stuff, and I would send you some if I wasn’t afraid there was probably some kind of weird law against it that would end up with the FBI at my door or something, but if you have a chance to pick some up during a trip or something you definitely should.

  • hope today finds you better. i am back to work today after 10 days of bronchitis. i went years without catching a darn thing, then last year & this year, bronchitis – it sucks. also, i am half-way thru Gone Girl, though i am skipping ahead to Amy’s sections – drove to work this morning thinking about Ford Fiesta’s. i’ve consumed coffee since i was 7 and turned out just fine! ;)

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