More Things I Have Learned

On September 7, 2013 by Eden M. Kennedy

You know how people who have decided to commit a random act of kindness might drop a $100 bill in a street person’s guitar case, or leave their server a 1,000% tip? Well, there I was, thinking I’d give the pizza guy $20 for a $12 pizza and say, “Keep the change,” ho ho ho, aren’t I generous, when in fact I handed over Jackson’s $50 birthday money without a glance. Literally, I just took a piece of money out of my wallet and handed it to him with a big smile. Granted, the pizza guy seemed a little stunned to get what I thought was a $8 tip, but I have to say, knowing what I do now, his reaction was right on target for getting a $38 dollar tip for bringing my pizza three blocks.

It took me the better part of an evening to figure out that my wallet wasn’t a portkey and that $50 hadn’t just disapparated into Nevill Longbottom’s sock drawer. When I finally retraced my steps and realized what I’d done, my punishment was that I had to give Jackson another $50 because that $50 bill was his birthday money from Grandma Susan and none of this was his fault. I also made sure we didn’t order pizza from that place again for a month because I didn’t want our house to get a reputation for handing out money like it was Halloween candy.

Here’s another new fun thing I get to do because of lady hormones and whatnot: pluck random tufts of fur out of the skin of my face. I have had a luxurious thatch of lip down since* I can’t remember when (thanks, menopause!) and for years I bleached it into a lovely albino thicket, and then I discovered ripping it out by the roots via home waxing. And then for some reason I just gave up giving a good goddamn. As I have slowly become more and more dependent on reading glasses for close-up activities, I find that scrutinizing my face in the mirror is like trying to read the Bible through waxed paper. You basically know what it says but the poetry is lost.

*puberty

I will say that as painful as waxing can be, plucking is its own special hell. Especially when I find a hair literally growing out of my lip. I swear to God, there is little more painful in the grooming world than plucking your lips. Where will it end? My chin began to sprout long ago, as did my nipples, the tops of my feet, and the inside of my nose. I’m just one more missed period away from turning into a George Booth cartoon.

Speaking of dogs, here’s another thing I’ve learned that I have unfortunately had to use a couple of times when Peewee’s lost his mind in the face of another dog: to pull a dog out of a fight by its back legs. It works like a charm, assuming you are larger than the dog, and that the dog is too stumpy to twist around and bite you. And that the other dog isn’t also attacking you. Pulling back on the leash will work when he’s wearing a leash, so the back-legs thing is normally reserved for off-leash situations. And normally Peewee is more relaxed off-leash than on, but a couple of times now, I don’t know what it is — another dog looks at him funny? Their breath is too minty? — and the next thing I know I’m dragging Peewee away haunch-first and yelling apologies at the same time. He’s pretty well trained in most respects, but man. I understand the appeal of a baked potato-sized dog now.

I finally figured out why my drawing output slowed to a crawl, it’s because I don’t have enough creative brain to write and draw concurrently. I am 3/4 finished with the first draft of this novel thing and I’ve had no desire to draw while I’ve been concentrating on it. But I took a break for Jackson’s last week of summer vacation (Disneyland, we were in you), and after a week of doing nothing more creative than an occasional blitz of iPad solitaire, my drawing brain revved back up again.

eleanor_violet

amelia_violetThese were for two little girls whose mom wanted their names hand lettered. The owl and mice might have been a little predatory, so I went with quizzical birds for the other one. I hope that was okay, I felt a lot of pressure to please with those two.

dukeThis was for a yogabeans! fan. When I went over to the site to look for something to draw, I sadly discovered that the images for three of the four latest posts were gone. Just vanished. I don’t know if they disappeared when I migrated the site a couple of years ago and no one noticed, or what, but that was somewhat devastating to me. I mean, I hardly ever update the site anymore, but I still love it. And because of a technical oversight on my part the backed up images for those posts are on a damaged external hard drive and you know what? They’re just gone, I can’t fix it, and it’s just a huge bummer, so I took down the posts and now I don’t want to look at the site anymore.

KALIThis one cheered me up after the yogabeans! sadness. It’s Kali, the Hindu goddess of empowerment, consort of Shiva, and annihilator of evil forces. The person who donated asked for a drawing of “a female superhero,” though, so I made Kali into an Internet Troll Killer who has conquered that laptop and is getting ready to drink the blood of a h8ter.

colorKALI

Comments

comments

9 Responses to “More Things I Have Learned”

  • The trouble with a baked potato sized dog is that they’ll start a fight with a roast pig sized dog (or 3) and you then have to lean very far down into the melee to get hold of the tiny legs of your special special baked potato. It’s been an education, I got my first baked potato (ok, angry cat) sized dog three years ago. It’s weird. But I like him.

  • Ooooh – it’s so good to have you back! Not that I can begrudge the novel thing; every time I go see some novelist talk at a bookstore, I think “Okay, this time I’m really going to sit down and write the damned thing!” (it was Kim Stanley Robinson, last week, and I’m *this* close to signing up for NaNoWriMo to put my blood oath to it).

    Anyhow: finish the novel – we’ll still be here for you when you come back. In the meantime, thanks for the pics!

  • Nice to see the new drawings! I can relate to the odd hair… I seem to have some persistent earlobe hairs that bug the hell out of me.

    As to Yogabeans – you have something strange going on there I think at the DNS layer. yogabeans.com and http://www.yogabeans.com are doing different things, which probably is the cause of the problems. I don’t remember this issue but it could certainly cause the missing images. I suspect a custom DNS entry pointing www at Blogger.

    Email me and I’d like to help resolve it. People do love their Yogabeans. :-)

  • WOW, imagine my delight to open up a FUSSY post and find my kids names front and center (well, after depilatory angst, which I also share). They LOVE the cards and each was perfect for their personalities. Thank you thank you thank you! xo

  • “too stumpy to twist around and bite you.” thank you for this.

    re: the 40′s face hair. it’s a daily mowing here. maintaining average looks wears me out. i don’t know how really attractive women keep up.

  • I love the Kali-crushing-the-trolls drawing. LOVE IT. Also I’ve been noticing your site updates and they also look great. But I haven’t had a chance to comment until now, because, well, you know.

    Go Kali!

  • Oh! I think I’m the lucky yogabeans! fan! I love the Star Wars reference and I love that I maybe circuitously helped get everything fixed up over there. Also, sorry for the bummed out part.

  • Your posts always put me in a good mood. Looking forward to the novel!

  • I stumbled upon your blog relatively recently and have enjoyed it immensely. Until now, I did not connect you with yogabeans!, which I also loovvved and was disappointed over when you stopped updating. I’m happy that you’re still sharing your creative stuff and happy that I found you again, even if I didn’t know it was you at first. :)