It’s OK, I can take it

I know you’ve been concerned about my inability to answer the world’s most benign question (“How are you?”), so you’ll be relieved to know that I’ve gotten over it. It wasn’t the incredible depth of my self-examination that brought me to enlightenment but the fact that three weeks of holidays/school vacation/no alone time, ever, were finally over. For a time, it was all I could do to arrange my face in into something resembling human civility.  But now that order has been restored (my child is back in school! I had a week off of work! I doubled my morning coffee consumption!) my little human-relations problem seems to have resolved itself.

I didn’t manage to Popcorn Whisper this week, but I did post a thing over at The Stir where I use celebrities and E. B. White to explain Chinese astrology.

Even with only 12 signs, Chinese astrology runs on a 60-year cycle. Elements come into play (earth, fire, water, wood, and metal), as well as our old friends yin (female) and yang (male). So as we leave 2011, the year of the yin metal rabbit, 2012 will be the year of the yang water dragon, 2013 will be the year of the yin water snake, and so on forever until you don’t need to care anymore because you’ll be dead.

All right, I have to go, Coneheads is on.

Wrap it up

Here’s the other stuff I was doing this week when I wasn’t doing it here.

1. Over at Faking It, I decided to write about pretending to read New York Times best-sellers. There’s one comment, and in that comment the commenter tells me that I should read a book. (The book I should probably read is How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read. I have a copy of it on my shelf. I haven’t read it yet.)

2. At The Popcorn Whisperer, I was visited by the stars of the Twilight movies, and what did they want to talk about? The new season of Downton Abbey, naturally. Those Twilight kids are very class-conscious, I was surprised. Also, Bella has no idea where France is.

3. You might have seen this earlier in the week if you follow me on Instagram (I’m @toasteroven), Twitter (@MrsKennedy), or Facebook (you know where Facebook is), but here it is again because paisley for the motherfucking win.

Also, it’s Friday

Good morning! I have a small but important announcement, which is that I have three other posts up on other sites that might interest you.

If you go to this post about Christmas movies and to this post about my secret profane sweaty nerd boyfriend Louis CK, and then leave a comment on both of them, you may accidentally win a Dell computer. Yes, I’m doing this again because Dell seems to have extra computers lying around so why not give one to someone with the good taste and spare time to read my blog? Exactly. (UPDATE: we’re past the deadline and the computer’s been given away, but there might be something life-affirming for you there anyway.)

If you go to this post, on the other hand, you won’t win anything, but you may learn a thing or two about not losing your mind over the holidays. Plus, if I can get enough eyeballs on it I won’t lose my job over there. WIN-WIN.

Thank you for your kind attention. Have a wonderful day.

Day Seventeen

I’m really falling down on my promise to do some ShoeMo/wardrobe remixing here this month, but I did remember to take a picture of what I wore to work today, aren’t you lucky. I was kind of a hit among both the middle-aged and preschool patrons; I got gawked at by a couple of teenagers, but they were far too cool to admit what they really thought. I only mention that because when I’m happy with what I’m wearing, I don’t really give a shit about your approval, and that’s how I felt today. Yes, when teenage library patrons looking for books on raising chickens can’t touch you, you know you’re all right.


Red cardigan: Gap
Gray t-shirt under red cardigan: Gap
Skirt: Banana Republic
Tights: unknown brand, bought at The Sock Drawer in San Luis Obispo
Mary Janes: Dansko

Pardon me for turning this into a page from a Flickr set. It’s NaBlo, you do what you have to do to keep your head above water.

Also, let me direct you to some other things I’ve posted this week:

1. I know, you only had one glass of wine, the yams were burning, and the baby started crying — what else were you supposed to do? Ask for help?
2. Some holiday films that I’m praying won’t suck this year.
3. The Many Ways Children Can be Disgusting: A Timeline
4. When I read whatever parenting magazine may be on hand at the pediatrician’s office, I am consistently underwhelmed by what they assume that I and my vagina are interested in. (Part of a Babble Salon on the rise of mothers and the ostensible marginalization of fathers.)

Day Three!

I’m going to run out of those exclamation points very soon! Because I’m totally phoning it in today!

I have two actual, paid writing gigs these days so today I need to redirect you to the other things I’ve been working on, I’m afraid, because I have to leave the house in five minutes.

First, we have an open letter to Justin Bieber. My pitch for this was totally off the cuff, I had three other ideas and felt like I needed to send in one more, so I said, “Or I could do an open letter to Justin Bieber explaining how to use a condom.” I guess editors like simple, straightforward ideas that don’t involve Kardashians.

Secondly, we have Did He Need to See That?, an exploration of my decision to let my son watch a little R-rated gem called Bridesmaids.

Up tomorrow: shoe photos and a little wardrobe remixing!

And don’t forget the raffle.

and it’s also true that I lost the map

First of all, if you’re actually visiting fussy.org and not reading this through a feed reader, you’ll have noticed two new badges up in the sidebar. One is for The Popcorn Whisperer, the weekly movies-and-TV column I’m doing for Babble, where so far I have covered such pertinent subjects as The Smurfs Movie, Midnight in Paris, The Silence of the Lambs, Jaws, and a round-up of TV dads illustrated with hand-drawn Venn diagrams. The other badge in my sidebar leads you to Faking It With Mrs. Kennedy, the weekly current events column I’m doing for The Stir. So far I’ve written two things there: “Which world leader is the angriest THIS week?” and a thing about Andy Rooney retiring, and it seems I’m trying to become the next Gail Collins. The learning curve is steep, but I may finally have learned to balance serious news and irony by around 2013. If they don’t fire me before then, I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

You may also notice that my hair is two different lengths in my two sidebar masthead badges. This is because one photo is newer than the other, and reflects the fact that my hair, like the times, it is a-changin’. Yes, I am once again taking daily photos of my hair’s progress but I’m doing it secretly, using an app called Everyday, which means that eventually I’ll be able to post one of those movies of my head where the background keeps changing and I’m slowly growing a beard. Although as hard as I have tried, beard growth still eludes me, I’ve had some success with head growth. I’m finding it’s easier to do without the daily scrutiny of the Internet, however.

Crazily and on short notice, I flew to New York last week to shoot a video with Alice, M.J. Tam (who I kept calling DJ Tam, like she was toting a crate full of vinyl to the club), and one other secret special person sitting in a hot room with three cameras on us while we had a series of occasionally disturbing and amusing conversations sponsored by Clorox. Clorox scared up a nice lunch for us, too, and put me up in a decent hotel that happened to be a block-and-a-half away from the Carnegie Deli. (Did you know that the Carnegie Deli is open from 6:30 a.m. until 4:00 a.m. every day? I don’t know what they do with their 90 minutes of down time. Maybe they have a Bleach Break™.)

So I flew into New York on Sunday, we did the shoot on Monday, and on Tuesday morning I was flying back to California but I didn’t hear my alarm go off because I’d been up too late the night before*, but I magically awoke at 7:11 a.m. Since my ride to the airport was leaving at 7:45, I threw on some clothes and ran to Seventh Avenue.

*Jackson, who was home with a babysitter because Jack has an ongoing gig Monday nights in L.A., was having trouble going to sleep, so he sent me a series of sad text messages without really thinking through the whole three-time-zones-away thing. And really, when you’re ten years old and you miss your mom, you don’t care that she has to get up in less than six hours to catch a plane to come back to you.

I had promised Jack I’d buy him a t-shirt from the Carnegie Deli, but while I was there I got another idea.

Jack is the only person I know who would actually entertain the idea of a pickle-scented candle. But instead, while they were digging for a shirt in Jack’s size, I asked the hostess if she thought I could get through airport security with a cheesecake.

“Oh, sure, people do it all the time,” she said. “They’re frozen.” She had a Jamaican accent. She pointed to the deli counter behind me. “Ask him, he’ll get one for you.”

They had three sizes of cheesecake. The large was the size of my entire carry-on bag; the medium was the size of my laptop bag; but the small was just right.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen my husband as happy as he was when I pulled a cheesecake out of my purse.

For Jackson I brought back something fuzzy and green from the J. Crew sale rack:


Hello, nerd boyfriend.

MaxFunCon

It costs me $70.00 to fill up my car at current prices. SEVENTY DOLLARS. And then I have to do it twice a month, sometimes more. What else can you get for $70? Ten movie tickets. Thirty-five medium-sized Fuji apples. Nine-tenths of a Snowball microphone. When I was a kid I drove a Volkswagen Bug with a ten-gallon tank and thus it cost me $10.00 to fill it up. One-dollar-a-gallon gas might be the only thing I remember miss about the Reagan years.

I only bring this up because I drove down to MaxFunCon last weekend and whenever I drive to a conference I tend to forget to save my gas receipts for tax purposes, and I would have forgotten this time, too, except that I’d been strangely compelled to print out my last two gas receipts, and then photograph them. Like you do.

The pump just happened to shut off and charge me these oddly symmetrical prices for gas, so naturally I printed them out so I could ponder their significance a little longer. And add them to my collection of tiny bits of paper that have nowhere else to go.

I’ll just put them . . . here.

Because I knew I had a three-hour-plus drive ahead of me, I checked out a few audio books from the library for the ride, one of which was by Antonia’s father, called Sharpe’s Trafalgar. It’s one of a series of books with the main character of Richard Sharpe, a battle-scarred professional soldier who will kill a man as efficiently and horribly as possible while in the midst of an affair with a deceitful yet golden-hearted married woman, and then you will also learn a lot about nineteenth-century shipbuilding. The story could not have been more disconnected with the reality of driving through Encino on my way to a convention full of nice people I only knew because they sound real on the Internet.

I feel as though the maxim Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid had particular resonance on this occasion, for I had boldly signed up to go to a place where I knew basically no one, and a mighty force indeed came to my aid. Maggie decided to go to the conference just a few days before it happened and also got to the Lake Arrowhead venue first, got us registered for the same room, and instantly cut down my social anxiety by half. Maggie also happened to know 500% more people there than I did so she was able to introduce me to several handsome, self-deprecating, well-dressed, friendly people I might not otherwise have spoken to, and once again I was reminded how lucky and grateful I am for her generosity and friendship. Too bad I don’t have any pictures of her. I have one of Greg and Matt though, which also includes Jon’s hand and shoulder:

In looking up a link for Greg just now I realized that he’s the author of Rainy Day Fun and Games for Toddler and Total Bastard and I am really mad that I didn’t know that when I met him because I totally followed the blog tour for that book and got flamed by some guy named Anonymous as a result. Remind me to tell him that story next time we meet.

I really blew it on the picture-taking end of things, but I’ll show you what I’ve got anyway.

Here’s a picture of John Hodgman‘s benediction at the opening of the conference. He passed around several bottles of what tasted like liquor made out of brussels sprouts and then played a ukelele and sang La Vie En Rose with John Roderick. This simple presentation, along with the fact of the conference organizer, Jesse Thorn, being so kind and funny and such a gentleman, set the tone for the whole weekend. Jesse created this event with the underlying notion that creative people in general (and comedy nerds in specific) will come together to be awesome in a beautiful setting; that everyone will be open to meeting you; and that we’re all potentially best friends. It is in this spirit that people were encouraged to leave their bullshit at home. As far as I can tell, setting that intention worked. Jesse Thorn is a smart man.

And he is married to a smart, beautiful, pregnant woman named Theresa who claimed to have a copy of Let’s Panic! on her nightstand. She didn’t have to say that, but she did and I want so much to believe her.

What else? I went to a session on podcasting presented by Adam Lisagor. I’d been thinking about doing some podcasting myself and now I feel far more capable of doing what it takes to make that happen. Adam activated my dormant editing genes merely by teasing apart a couple of episodes of You Look Nice Today, and the clarity and delight that he brought to the process helped my brain-heart start to blossom.

I also took a “Yoga for Comedy Nerds” class with Neal Pollack, which we did on a high platform overlooking the top of a mountain and which I did without benefit of sunscreen. I can’t complain, though, because it gave me a hour to appreciate the beauty of our natural surroundings before heading right back into a series of darkened spaces to hear more hardworking people talk about what they do.

Hodgman interviewed Lee Unkrich, the director of Toy Story 3. Naturally I took a picture of the event before they even walked onstage. That’s just how I operate. Maximum listening efficiency was MINE.

However, the next morning I did happen to end up having breakfast at Mr. Unkrich’s table. I told him how my Barbie and my Malibu Ken used to sleep naked in a shoe box under my bed, which didn’t appear to shock (or interest) him in the slightest. I forgot to tell him how I’d just been to Dreamworks and that based on what I learned from that New Yorker article, purely on the basis of workplace mindblowingness, Pixar wins. Even though I thought Kung Fu Panda 2 killed. We’ll see if with Cars 2 Pixar can clear the bar Dreamworks has set.

On a final note, the whole weekend earned me my podcasting supporter badge! Now I just need to decide what to sew it onto. A sash of some sort, perhaps. Or a jaunty beret.

More stuff happened and more people were met but that’s enough for now, I think. Go see Maggie’s post for better pictures and another take on the whole weekend.

Lunch and other important topics

What did I just have for lunch? I’ll tell you: it was the end of a bag of Veggie Booty, a small container of quinoa salad from Cantwell’s, and 1/3 of a Debbie’s brownie accompanied by some Yogi Tea or other that Jackson chose last time we were at Whole Foods. It’s the sort of no-effort lunch that I excel at. My husband, on the other hand, came home at noon and cooked. Since lately we discovered something in his astrological chart that explains his drive toward culinary achievement, I don’t feel quite so lax in comparison. Well, yes, I do, actually, but I can blame my indolence on the lack of Virgo in my astrology!
(more…)