1. Again this morning, Jackson walked out of the bathroom with his hair slicked back with gel, smelling of Issey Miyake cologne.
2. Jack’s friend just had all his teeth replaced for $20,000. Each new false tooth is on a titanium rod that screws directly into Friend’s jaw. For as long as I’ve known Friend, who is sixty-something, he’s been walking around with no teeth, and I hadn’t really noticed, he just looked like a dirty old man. Friend used to play guitar in a famous rock band and along with the new set of choppers Friend’s charisma has apparently returned. Or, as Jack puts it, “Oh, now I get it. He’s a handsome motherfucker.” His new girlfriend paid for the teeth.
3. I used to think you could safely go out into the world if at least three of four things — hair, face (with or without makeup), clothes, shoes — were working for you that day. If your mascara-boots-and-kilt combo rocked, it didn’t matter if your dirty hair was tied up in a rubber band. But lately I’ve been looking around and I’m noticing people with not just bed-head, devil-may-care hair but really bad hasn’t-been-cut-in-two-years hair and they just look like shit no matter what they have on, and they look especially ridiculous if they’re wearing makeup. As a matter of fact, a formal faceful of Mary Kay combined with any outfit that you’re not going to wear on television is a real problem. (Says the shoeless, makeupless woman whose hair, which hasn’t been cut in two years, is currently tied up with a rubber band.)
4. I used to work with Another Friend at a local bookstore, and I ran into her at the playground the other day, she was with her mom and her almost-two-year-old son who looks just like Miranda’s cute boyfriend Steve on Sex and the City. Another Friend weighs I’d say well over 200 pounds, but she is more okay with herself than anyone I know. Not just okay with herself, either, but smart and loves life and seems completely unselfconscious. You should have seen her come right on down the slide. I remember another coworker running the registers with her for a couple of hours and then saying to me in disbelief, “I can’t listen to another minute of how great Another Friend’s life is.” So when I’m old and withered and mean from too much yoga, Another Friend will be old and withered and just fine with herself, and I hope she’ll ask me over for tea. I’ll bring the animal crackers.
5. Weleda Diaper-Care butt cream smells exactly like Juicy Fruit gum.
6. I must really be in need of amusement, for I have just renamed my cell phone’s ring tones Vibrator, Frozen Tundra, Whimper, and Bang!
7. Can you spot the irony?
Me (as we’re getting out of the car, which has been parked in the sun): Would you leave all the windows rolled down a little bit so it won’t be like an oven when we come back?
Jack: Oh, so someone with a coat hanger can come break in?
Me (as we’re walking in to the grocery store): Would you press the remote thing that locks the car?
Jack (look of weary disgust): Where do you think we are, Compton?
Bonus question: How many miles do you have to drive, and at what speed, to fully cook a pot roast on your engine?