If memory serves, and it doesn’t always, but we can talk about my early-onset dementia/menopausal memory leakage some other time* . . . Jack’s mom only sends the Zabar’s box on New Year’s, Jack’s birthday, Father’s Day, and our wedding anniversary. But this! Year! It looks like I am finally worthy to receive the Blessing of the Lox and Cream Cheese, GLORY BE TO GOD AND HOLD THE CAPERS.
*You’ll have to remind me.
(more…)
First of all, congratulations to Autumnalyssa, who won the random drawing for a Let’s Panic! bag filled with all kinds of stuff, and whose mom taught her that you shouldn’t grow pot in the backyard if you have a gregarious six-year-old who might invite the mailman around to see her snail collection. Autumnalyssa’s mom might have been interested in talking to my mom, who tethered our dachshund in the backyard. Dachshunds + irrational barking = NO MAILMEN. I don’t know if dachshunds eat pot plants. Actually, never mind, they do.
Secondly, because I seem to have this need to blog all of a sudden but nothing in particular to say (WHY SHOULD THAT STOP ANYONE??), I will share with you my latest Craigslist selling success. And cause you to wonder why I did it, and for how much, and wouldn’t I have been so much happier keeping it?
(more…)
I like nothing more than a good holiday where I feel completely justified in buying myself a bunch of stuff that celebrates just how awesome I am. Also, if it’s a national holiday that excludes people who identify primarily as male, and divides women into uneasy procreational factions? EVEN BETTER.
I’ve been unloading a lot of stuff on eBay and Craigslist, so I felt like as long as I’m stimulating the local economy and a certain day is just around the corner, I could go ahead and buy myself a little treat.
(more…)
Unfortunately, I don’t have a photo of what I’m about to describe but I hope that I can do it in a way that’s horrifying enough to give you a mental picture you’ll be unable to shake for weeks.
We have a lot of snails in our neighborhood. They leave shiny tracks on the sidewalk and some of them are very small. Jack even found a misguided one in the food processor a few weeks ago. Jackson no longer delights in the crunch they make when you step on them, which I do by accident all the time. Snails have no business snailing around in the dark, and whatever instinct compels them to balance on the tip of a blade of grass before the sun is up is evolution just begging for fertilizer.
(more…)
Hulk last one to hear that new movie in works about Hulk’s life, Hulk’s struggles, Hulk’s search for love in cold, indifferent universe. The usual. People already know this story, think Hulk to self! Why everybody co-opt Hulk’s story, think they can make brutal poetry on the back of Hulk’s pulp beginnings? They not Shakespeare.
(more…)
Note: If you are someone who has ever appeared to be the slightest bit open to paranormal explanations for everyday occurrences, I will happily infuse whatever subsequent conversations we have with that topic so that you don’t have to look like the crazy one.
(more…)
In a startling shift of habit that was long overdue, I have stopped listening to music altogether. That’s right, you heard me. Stop before you waste a stamp sending me tickets to that GWAR reunion. I don’t care if Prince and Stevie Wonder are sitting on an overturned washtub in front of Starbucks singing the Jackson Five’s greatest hits and handing out purple jellybeans. I’ve listened until the meaning has been drained of every song I ever loved and now I’m not getting up off this couch.
(more…)
Jackson and I were looking for some entertaining bedtime reading so we picked up a copy of Dav Pilkey’s The Adventures of Ook and Gluk, Kung-fu Cavemen from the Future. It’s fun and it’s silly, as time-traveling cave boys with missing teeth and afros often are. But you know that phrase, When the student is ready the teacher appears? Apparently, if you give me a kids’ book full of Kung-fu Panda-style wisdom* I’m halfway to Buddha consciousness.
(more…)
Things our storage unit has eaten lately:
1. A box of my childhood photos that also included irreplaceable (non-digital) photos of Jackson’s first year
2. A bunch of Jack’s musical equipment that seems to mean more to him than it does to me (strange!)
3. The box containing my Yoda and C3PO Christmas ornaments, as well as the light-up, color-changing star/tree topper that I sort of loved and despised at the same time
(more…)
One of the jokes in Let’s Panic the book is about how the Internet is such a satisfying and entertaining resource for new parents. Alice and I single out six web sites for having been particularly helpful throughout our own early months as first-time mothers. The list is fake, of course–we would never go to the Internet for advice, my God! Who would do such a thing?–but it occurred to us that we should register those sites and put something up on them as a little reward for diligent readers (and not-so-diligent readers who just happen to see this post).
I volunteered to take care of it.
(more…)
